Cleveland Rocks?

Got to see M Tuesday. Only for a few minutes, but still the best part of the week thus far. Got to reassure myself that you’re tolerating the demands for compliance with arbitrary rules — better than I feel like I could — at least well enough for the next day or so. And then you should be out, and we’ll accidentally spend more in-person time together that first day than we ever have in any non-robots context.

You did a thing for me while I was there; a thing that I secretly wished for but you asked about like it was a favor I might deny you. A thing that might be the best piece of safety anyone has ever given me. I’m sure my feelings are heightened by the circumstances, but it made me feel like… I cried about it on the way back to the house. And when I told Shanda. And again two days later when I try write about. I’m still not sure what exactly I feel but it’s good in a way that I’ve clearly been missing for a long time. It’s a thing never felt like I had and am so happy to share with you, even though the act itself is small.

Fraking space bar seems to be busted. Either that or I’ve lost the ability to use my left thumb correctly while laying on my stomach. I just had the keyboard replaced on this thing. I’ll see if I can find something to clean it with tomorrow; maybe it’s just sticky. I suppose it’s still under warranty but I’d rather not go without it again. I’m also much less inclined to replace it now, given recent changes in my expected financial load, which gives the issue a special bit of spite.

M was freed today, ahead of expectations. Which is such a relief. I thought I might get a day of day job in but this is much better, even though it was mostly driving around doing errands. I’m sorry you (and I) are stuck in a too busy household** including some folks who showed up in spite of your clearly expressed and totally reasonable objections — and others that don’t need to stick around* — but I’m confident we’re on-track to get them all out of here by Monday. In the mean time you can at least have some time with your friends, access to communications, and can start work on the school appeal.

Got to make tacos with M. Which is symbolically fun for me. I sort of like cooking when I’m imagining it as care for others. Certainly more than when I imagine it as care for myself. It was also nice to remember that we actually accomplish things fairly well together, which makes me hopeful for our future plans.

To wit, I’m temporarily moving to Cleveland. I am not yet sure exactly that that means. I haven’t had a chance to talk to M about what you want, which is my main concern. I know finding someplace to live and is on your list but I’m not sure how I fit into that beyond making it technically happen. I see all the ways that people imagine they are helping without bothering to check if it actually helps — the ways they soothe themselves by “doing something” instead of figuring out the right thing to do, or providing “care” without caring about how it affects the target — and it makes me very worried about doing what you actually want, and not just what I want. That and my unshakable belief that everyone would be better with less of me make fear you’re temporarily tolerating me because I’m the least objectionable option you think is available. But spending some less frantic time with you sounds great to me, even if Cleveland isn’t my ideal locale. If I could find a way to actually help you and see you in person it would be amazing.

I don’t know where I’m going on Monday night myself. Apartments are on the list but might be hard to arrange in 2 business days. I’m gonna keep that quiet from the rest of the household†† because I don’t want it to change their plans for leaving. But housing should in general be easier once the number of people goes down. If nothing else we can get all our shit into a van, lie to people about how we’ve definitely got a plan, and spend a few nights in a hotel or a smaller vacation rental while we figure out a longer-term plan.

I’m finally leveling out enough to have the head space for Shanda (or anything else) again. I’ve been leaning on her pretty hard to keep me sane through all of this. And to keep bits of my life running back in Seattle. I wish Dog could be here with me but I’m also glad he’s there with you. Usually I’m the one demanding that you tell me about your feels, to be sure that you get them all out, and doing all my own sharing in part to encourage you. But recently I’ve been ranting at you non-stop just trying to keep my life together. On at all of in fact. I really appreciate having the option to shout my panic at you when I don’t have time to unpack it all myself. I wouldn’t be able to do this without your help.

I’m planning with Shanda to figure out how we’re gonna make this go. That’s one of the reasons that I need everyone else to leave — I want to be able to get back to a daily routine that lets me like be employed and manage several other people’s feelings all day and to talk to my wife about my day without standing in the murder-room basement of this 110-year-old house and hoping none the people I’m reacting to are listening†. I’ve already got a project planned to do some sort of remote-timecode-sync for Plex, so she and I can watch in-sync while we’re on the phone and pretend we’re on the couch together. Or at least so I can make her end pause when mine does so I can rant for a while in the middle of shows, as I’m wont to do. And maybe a standing-desk full-screen FaceTime entrance to this weekend’s D&D. I’m not sure I’ll be able to actually play like that — among other things I did not bring my character iPad — but I can at least be part of the socialization.

I hoping tomorrow I can get a little bit of day job done. I at least want to get to the noon meeting and find a minute to call my boss and talk about how I’m changing to working from home in real time and working from home 3 hours in the future. There are many parts of being in the West that I like, but the fact that I can sleep until 11 AM and still be 8:30 AM meetings is spectacular. It’s also a great excuse to ignore things that people ask me to do at 4:45 PM and think need to be done same-day, because I’m already off the clock. I think the time difference could really work for helping my boss think I work hard. And when I go back I just need to find an employer in Hawaii so I can do the same thing from Seattle.

That’s dangerously close to lighthearted there. And so a good place to stop before my brain fills back up with stress.

ZiB

*In a house they didn’t plan for or pay for that accommodates everyone that showed up and people M actually wanted, and that disappoints them in that I didn’t rent it long enough to let them lounge around until return travel is cheaper. Because their (often unacknowledged) anxiety and lack of effective planning is clearly someone else’s fault.

**I moved up to the attic today, so as to not leave M with the shittiest room in the house after all the rest were claimed. I know it was wishful to think that anyone else would save space in the house for the person I actually rented it for, but I’m annoyed that so much of the “care” for you is about managing other people’s anxiety. That’s often true for people who are ill or disabled but I still always hope for better. Or at least for people to acknowledge when it’s happening instead of blaming you for wanting something else. But the attic is good for me, once I fixed the bed by removing the frame: the lighting sucks and there’s no place to set things that isn’t the floor, but it’s nice and cold and I can sleep facing away from the window so it’s comparably dark. I’ll take it.

†I know other people are not nearly as concerned as I amabout covert observation by other household members, but it was a big part of my life when I lived with more people, and it had sometimes terrible consequences if you didn’t manage it correctly. I’m positive that’s one of the reasons I’ve spent so much time thinking about security, what it costs, and what it gets you.

††As I write this I see I’m quite focused on making other people leave. That’s probably a fine goal but I should try not to just hold my breath until then, because Monday is a long way off and many interim stresses await.