Circulatory Circumstances
It snowed today in Seattle. A thing not so rare as to be unusual but rare enough to be worth some extra engagement. It’s not actually cold enough for snow so it only sticks to grass and trees. [fig 1,2] And dogs and hats. [fig 3,4]
But it makes the world quiet and damp and cool and because it’s Seattle still dark enough to stand all the ground reflection. So I made Shanda open the bedroom window tonight; she’s been living without fresh air since I’ve been away. But sleeping in the cold without being cold is one of the few ways I know how to enjoy being warm. The sauna is another. But it’s hard for me to imagine that in the general case – for example, it’s difficult for me to really believe that a warm coat would useful to me.
Which I would guess is some sort of deprivation-based abusive punishment feeling. It’s one I isolated today after feeling good about Dog being warm and deciding I could probably expect to be at least as comfortable as Dog most of the time. It would be great if there was an easy way to identify all the feelings with that sort of motivation so I could reconsider them instead if reinforcing the. But I’m pretty sure it’s just a thing I have to live with forever as it trickles out, so I should find a way to feel better about it.
Got a few more shirts today, in good colors. One that might go with my leggings. And ordered a couple more bits of cool weather gear. Perhaps by the end of winter I’ll own the things I need to be genuinely comfortable and not merely survival safe on a typical winter day.
Watched the end of the season of The Good Place. That show knows exactly how I’m an Arizona Trash Person. How I’m proud to be a good liar and want to use that power for good. And how leaving might be the thing you have to do to save people from yourself and the pain of watching people hurt and not being able to help. Of watching yourself hurt and not getting the help you need. Plus the jokes. Professional jokes. Do watch. It comes in conveniently numbered 22 minute segments for easy intake.
Here’s a feeling I don’t know how to communicate well. Not to other people and sometimes not even to myself when I need to know it. Feeling that you can be reassured by the freedom to improve things if you want to, and how that’s not mutually exclusive with being okay with how things are right now. That you can want to change things even if they aren’t “bad” and that the option to change is a protection against being stuck with something you don’t like. That incremental improvement is valuable even when things are already fine – that drastic change is something you can do when it would help, not something you have to do at the first sign of imperfection. That you can have support not only with the doing but with the decisions about what you want to do.
Still no sight of V. I should have asked after you more carefully on Friday. I don’t want to make you feel pressured, but I am thinking of you. And I would love to get a taco from you, so I know you’ve read my message and it hasn’t made you hate me so much that we never speak again.
Did have good conversations with both Cowboy and M today. I worry sometimes while I’m waiting that it will never happen again, but it always does. Even if it’s only in tiny bits, it’s still real nice to have the sharing. And to hear you’re feeling support from a new source.
Shanda wants her third lobe piercings in the near future and I’m going to do my left eyebrow when she does. What things should I attach to my face with this new hole? Answers in the form of links or packages of face rings in my mailbox are preferred.
My nails started to abandon me, so today they look like this [fig 5]. I’m not sure why they decided to be done but I lost 3 in 12 hours and the rest popped right off when I poked them. But I’m sort of excited to feel like I can do them again right away; in recent weeks I have felt too busy for such indulgences, but today it seems easy.
It was good to have a down day today. I didn’t accomplish anything other than some laundry, a dog walk, an hour of TV, and the trash, but it did help me be calm for second. The day job still feels like a lot but hopefully I can make that better over time. Medicaid* continues to feel like a pretty big hassle too, but with luck that will be done on Tuesday. I’ll make some time this week to get back to reading, and point some of my anxiety at being excited to share about them.
ZiB
*Because without the right bloodlines it’s not possible to share an insurance plan, clearly a situation that reflects efficient economics and not abusive power structures.
— Sent from a phone.
