Christmas Cookies

Better today. At keeping all the pieces in the same box. I no longer feel like it’s necessary to manage Father’s emotions in order to be a good person. Which was the status quo, I just lost the thread when he broke though my no-contact protections. And I’m actually pretty happy about letting him know that he failed at the one thing he though he was doing – providing money. Ben has a scheme to manipulate Father into the idea that sharing instead if hoarding might better serve his expressed goals. I don’t think that’s a good plan (or a very plausible one) but I could play this role on it, if Ben wants to do it.

Once I cleared that up the other abandonment feels were largely manageable. It’s still a little anxious for me, but that’s hard to avoid because I’m doing things that are anxious even for normal people – flying across the country twice, telling your anxious boss that you’re leaving again in a week, trying to pack 4 weeks of robots and dog and Shanda and D&D and chores into a week, interfacing with the federal consumer intimidation and compliance squad. So some of that is going to bleed over into my more inherent anxieties.

Today, like the last several days, had a bunch of good things. For example, I’m trying Christmas. It’s one of those categories where it’s hard for me to even try because no one has ever explained to me how it’s supposed to work, at least not in terms I can understand. I’ve never been part of a household where social rituals worked correctly, and once I left my family of origin I was never interested in trying – I knew lots of bad parts about it and literally couldn’t name any good parts, even if I imagined doing it with other people. But now I’m in a household with people that actually like me, and who seem to have some idea how stuff like this might produce things I like. Other bits of this household have been amazing for me so I’m happy to try this too.

Bought a Christmas tree today, the first I’ve ever had. And the first I’ve ever wanted. There as literally no crying from anyone involved. I got to have opinions on trees and location and no one hated me for it. There was no sitting inside a tree for 80 minutes as we drove home. M’s friends and decorating cookies and people wanting to be around each other, and in chatted with your weirdest friend about the power of chaos. I also hung lights outside and cooked potatoes and eggs and generally had a nice time. You liked it a bunch too, which made it great.

Went to Windi & Jazzi 30, in support of percussionist I don’t really know. But M is worried about something hard in their life, and I like college jazz bands, so I went to watch them stand near the real musicians* and to talk to them afterward about how people care about them enough to show up. Some of the concert was iffy, and the selections for the concert band were show tunes targeted at ancient donors, but the Jazz I ensemble was quite good. The concert band also had a tiny person on a big stool to allow them to reach the mouthpiece on a contrabass clarinet. They sat a head taller than the rest of the band and stood a head shorter – shorter than their horn too. Also the timpany player had hot makeup – not quite @BPS but close.

I ship out tomorrow, which I’m not looking forward to. Air travel is a thing I don’t know how to deal with other than through endurance. Combine that with my other recent dress and it could be real tough. But I have exciting things planned in Seattle and M keeps talking like you’re going to let me in when I get back to Cleveland. And some of the travel is easier because I am home on both ends instead of only one. Both with my stuff – I have now moved entirely out of my travel equipment and consumables – and with my access to household social support. Shanda won’t be back until the next day but Dog should be there, and he probably still loves me.

ZiB

*If you weren’t in band this joke will sound mean. It’s not. Or if it is the percussionists won’t notice – they can’t read tone.

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Sent from a phone.