Breakfast @ Tiffawnies

I didn’t really eat Monday ¹One of the reasons I like weed is that it makes me more interested in eating. It doesn’t really address the underlying issue, and it doesn’t necessarily help me eat meals, but on days with weed I rarely go to bed m without having at least a piece of bread or something.. Had a slug of milk before I left for the day job but that’s about it. Shanda made breakfast foods after robots but I can’t eat a meal like that without special accommodation, and you were too busy to help me with it. I thought about making a sandwich at like 2 AM but decided I should just sleep and try again tomorrow. We were making progress on food and at one point I felt safe enough to imagine exerting control, but that has all fallen away now and I’m back to never thinking about food.

Back the the usual schedule of unacknowledged calls. Which is mostly fine, but I’d like to make progress on a couple of bits I know won’t happen without my nagging, and experience shows that’s just not worth worrying about without fully interactive comms. I’d also like to imagine a life where 2 weeks doesn’t stretch to 12, or one where the highest stress doesn’t always mean the least support. I believe that you are independently in control of your life, even when that life is tough. I also believe that a it might be less tough if there was sometimes less control. Not that I’m one to talk.

Here’s maybe a therapy topic – I feel safer when I know I can handle higher than typical doses of a poison or drug without losing control of myself. There are lots of reasons for this, including but not limited to the murdery ones from Propane Accessories. But I should try to step out of it. When I drank more one of the reasons I kept it up was because I felt safer knowing that I could be okay even after lots of liquor – could be largely unaffected by typical amounts. I also felt safer knowing I could get most of my calories from drinking, which is useful because alcohol is widely accepted, even at events without food, is non-perishable, has high caloric density, and reliably excludes Mother.

Or maybe this is the start of the story they need about survival dependency. I don’t like being needed because it interferes with my ability to flee (unless there is a very high level of commitment and skill, or societal support). I don’t seek validation from others (or myself) – I just never feel valid. I am not afraid I’ll lose relationships by failing to meet all of someone’s needs, because I don’t imagine my relationships can last in the first place. I don’t avoid conflict because I’m built for righteous rage. I don’t put aside my own emotions for other people’s because I don’t think my emotions are compatible with humans. But we are human and dependency, at least sometimes, exists. I need them to have a non-pathological viewpoint on this fact, so they can see the bit I have been so alone about. But I haven’t been able to find any examples to cite for pre-reading, so maybe not this week.

Did all the grocery shopping today. Live and in person. Somehow it was busy on a Tuesday at 2 PM; this is why I used to shop at 2 AM. It cost too much and required a car for half a day, and there was much consternation for much of the trip. But it’s done now, and there’s some relief about it. We got to talk about some of the other bits too, so it feels a little less like I’m being hurtled toward a thing where I will have responsibilities but no path toward acceptance or integration. That’s still adjacent to our current path, but I now believe that it’s possible – not certain but possible – to recover promptly when we are pointed that way again.

Watched some more Mr. Robot. “407 – Proxy Authentication Required”. It’s layed out in a fixed, (CGI-aided) contiguous set, and played intentionally as a stage play. Announced act breaks and thunder as punctuation and a score that feels like ST:TOS. There’s literally a weapon on the table in act 1 that get to murdering act 5. Plus some really great camera work – starting in over-the-shoulder setups, tight on faces for all the characters, then cutting to a sweeping master shot that gives us physical relationships and pulls across to give us perspective on the emotion ones through perspective and lighting on foreground objects. It’s amazing.

C came over tonight and we worked on their RPG. We spent some time trying to throw out the mechanics they don’t care about, and finding ways to wedge the other parts into the central premise of the game. It’s coming along, and I think we made good progress on several bits that were unwieldy or unbalanced. I’m gonna take a pass at some of the narrative sections on my own and see if they like what I write. Maybe there’s an art heist here too.

One more day of day job. Technically I’m on queue until Sunday night but most of the ENE staff will be out so it’s unlikely that I’ll get many cases past Wednesday afternoon. I do want to get my current ones cleared though, so I can be actually free for the long weekend. I also need to vacuum all the places the robot doesn’t, like behind the doors and on the stairs and the 1000 other places that accumulate bits of Dog yarn and debris and stains. Or that rug that’s too black for the drop sensors. And if I get a chance, I want to poke the robot code a smidge to aid in the next round of auto testing. Hopefully all that is done before therapy tomorrow so I can attempt a call and smoke myself out and lean into whatever rest I can find before Dog is back from his walk.

ZiB

—
Sent from a phone.

• 

•