Birthday Bonus
I started one of these that could have gone out on Christmas, but it was full of extra sad story so I’ll save that one for my birthday. It was also hard to finish because I was exhausted from supporting Shanda’s central-time early morning punishment session with your family of origin, and then felt supervised instead of connected when you were done.
Christmas went fine, after we gave up on those morning plans. I advanced the plot on the boots and coats heist, I delivered a birthday present in recognition of the way Christmas erases birthdays, and I got Shanda on board with the idea that maybe our Christmas is helping other people with theirs for 10 minutes. It fits your idea that everyone should be in seperate boxes, which makes it eaiser. There’s almost certainly balance to be had though – I feel like the people who came to our house for Christmas could have been all in the same group, even though you feel anxious when I suggest it. But overall togetherness was pretty good in the second half of the day. I even got a short message from M, which helps with feeling connected.
Then there was the part of my life where I gulped down a gallon of glycol, after not eating all day. The not eating is sort of my default, but consuming a huge amount of fluid without eating is not the way I usually accomplish that. Then up early for a second day to go feel trapped in a hospital for a while. It was better than previous experiences but still difficult to tolerate. The attention that doesn’t really care how I feel, the physical vulnerability and confinement, the insistence on warmth, my shame about a lack of medical history or family, and those god damned socks. Being allowed to go without socks would make my hospital experience 15% better all by itself. In any case it’s done and we’ll see how cancer-y my colon is in a couple of weeks.
No therapy this week but last week I did trauma work about fleeing when I left for undergrad. It’s a thing I have said out loud to my therapist is a central trauma more than once but I could never really get their attention about it. Like many people they have trouble believing me about things like abandoning the Kids. But in the previous week they finally followed the thread I was dangling – sort of insultingly drew a parallel to a thing I had explicitly linked more than once – so we got to work on it this week. It was also a relief for them to skip off the topic of education, which they are clearly intimidated by, and I get better therapy when my therapist isn’t too worried about doing it right. I don’t know that I got to new trauma feels but it is at least a start.
Finished Mr. Robot (USA Networks). The last two aren’t as thematically cool as the rest of this season, but they ramp the crazy back up to show us what we liked about S2, and to pull the whole show back into Elliott and away from the world he is trying to save. This show and I had lots of good times together; I might re-watch it all in one go just to marvel at the pretty pictures and be inspired by the anti-capital terrorism and the survival of our heros. If you haven’t watched any you can try by just grabbing an episode from S4 and just enjoy the self-contained theme. You won’t know what the bigger plot is but you can still appreciate what the show does.
I am still working on getting all the bits of my life into a unified group again. It’s getting better but there have been lots of pressures pulling it apart. I’ve still got some time to chill though, maybe even time for a lights project or two, which should help. But for now: dogs and naps.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
