Appropriation

Watched the finale of Veep (HBO) S07E07 “Veep”. It includes such gems as “Right now, every Sunday pundit and poli-sci major is treating this brokered convention like it’s a big-titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough that she’ll do some dirty shit, but she can still cum.” I expected that she’d wind up back as Veep, so the series could punish her ambition with some manufactured symmetry. But it was one step better and saw her get what she wanted but actually regret being alone — even just for one second — after pushing away everyone who could put up with her. It showed her daughter not only absent from the funeral but literally celebrating while watching it on TV. It played her last laugh as an architectural sex joke at her funeral and then preempted her from public attention — exactly the correct treatment for a dead narcissist.

Last week I watched @MMF’s Robocop analysis: https://youtu.be/jdy1ln1vmv0 They give the movie a trans reading, which I think comes out well. It’s an 80s action film so you have to start at “what is human” to even approach anything like a gender read – there’s only one significant female character in the movie – but I think they get there. And like all their videos it’s thoughtful and fun.

I got my wig today. It’s very colorful, which I like. And more comfortable than I expected – I wore it for a couple of hours and out when I walked the dog. It’s currently too curly but probably I can beat it into a better shape with some tools. After I obtain some tools. And figure out how to use them.

But perhaps the most import thing I discovered is that I don’t feel entitled to hair. Not my own, not a wig. I have trouble feeling like I’m allowed to look at it on other people. It’s one of the ways I feel inhuman. On of the ways I’ve learned to not need. I’ve been getting better at looking at other people’s hair – at least when I imagine it as intentional expression – but the others parts I haven’t worked out yet. Literally the only things I’ve done to my hair for decades are cut it off and ignore it.

So that’s a thing to work on. Another one of these layered issues, where I have already made improvements but there are still many things to change before I can stop feeling terrible about it. It can be really discouraging, to do the work of changing your feels and still be stuck in basically the same place. To not even know how many layers there are before you get somewhere that isn’t heaped with self hatred. For a long time I just didn’t think about hair and was happy to never have it enter my mind. But I got past that avoidance, saw why it started, grieved about it, and found a way to feel like I could pay attention to and make decisions. But it turns out those decisions don’t matter because there’s another barrier 1 inch down the road.

Shanda got a written warning at work. Which is mostly BS about their own bad management and your correct refusal to comply with demands for overtime. There’s maybe a whiff of truth to it in that you have decided to let yourself resent some parts of the job, and that presumably makes you bad at them. It’s easy to do even if your job isn’t being abusive, and yours definitely is trying to be. Still, I’m sorry you have to out up with being threatened by a corporation. And that your nervous boss is taking out their fear on you. I don’t think this is a big problem but it’s annoying to have to deal with. Maybe you could see it as good motivation to actually talk to a recruiter.

Talked to J again today. Which I’ve been enjoying. My brain likes the regular feedback. I got to talk about Mr. Nobody (2009), which is too abstract to be really popular but is a very good film ¹Which I’m tempted to watch again, now that it’s in my head. I’ve got at least one more film on my short list but I’m gonna have Plex remind me about Mr. Nobody. Consider watching it with me so I can philosophize at you some more. Or just to see an impressive performance form Jared Leto.. It indulges the impulse we all have at times, to not make a decision, to not take action, to stay safe by keeping our options open. To avoid closing any possible paths until we know which one is right. And it shows us what happens when you make the choice, when you do A or B, so you can know what will happen and avoid any mistakes.

Except of course you still don’t know. Even after living out his whole life he still doesn’t know if A or B was better. And it doesn’t matter. Life isn’t a place you get to once all the pieces are lined up, it is the choices you make. With imperfect information and insufficient time, losing paths that hold great opportunities and taking on terrible pain. But literally the only thing we can do is make decisions. They are all desperately important and utterly meaningless and they are literally the only thing in the world that you control.

Dug out a little at work today. 6 new SRs came in since Monday and at one point during the day I held 9. I’m back down to 3 active cases now, and one of them is still the research case. I think that’s winding down now – I’ve got a couple of tests to set up tomorrow and I’m sure I’ll have to babysit the comms about it for a while, but I think my part of the response document is done. Other SRs will have to wait until Thursday, but that should be okay, as the oldest one came in over the weekend. I do need to slot some release work in before Friday though. Notes are done but the checklist and bug cleanup are not.

I’m mostly feeling better today. I skipped my morning meeting with only medium intention, but I think that was for the best. M offered me some reassurance in the morning, which was surprisingly useful, and Shanda helped me have lunch (and hired someone to do a 2nd dog walk since she can’t). I got a bunch of stuff done on the house too. Laundry is all clean and dry, the dishes are done and away, the groceries are in, the mailbox is clean, sheets are stowed, and I got my 20V charge cable swapped out. I even started cleaning my nails up for some paint, but gave that up once Shanda and I were both free, so we could have some time together. Bedroom cleanup and putting laundry away are still on the list but the week is starting to feel manageable again.

Shanda told me about B’s new romantic interest, and how it was finally working out. You had been sort of confused and worried about this new person. About whether or not their relationship would be romantic. Which was presumably just you mirroring B’s own insecurity about meeting someone and not really knowing how either they or the new person feel. But it seems to be going well and I’m glad you are all finally happy about it instead of anxious. And I’m glad you can engage with B’s emotions and help them.

Watched a couple of @BPS and tried to imagine that disability was a thing I could claim. There are 1000 valid reasons I can, but like any other external identity or label – abused or NB or even partner – I feel disqualified on the basis of being too privileged and too inhuman. I haven’t drafted any significant responses to their recent videos (though we did interact about #BeardedQueen). In part that’s because I’ve hardly had myself together. I part that’s because their videos are about a week when they didn’t have themselves together, and so the thinks and feels are constrained. But I should get back to it soon, and I hope they can too ²Technically did, since there’s often 2+ weeks between recording and publishing. But mostly I let my brain ignore that, since our interactions are generally mediated by YouTube anyway..

Therapy tomorrow. I’m still not sure I have a feel ready to do LI at, though it does feel like I might be able to find a minute to think about it tomorrow. And I’m told that there may be some Hoagie Perogie available afterward, so perhaps I can do some crying and some weed and some pastries. Maybe I’ll grab a car before my session so afterward you can come with me to the park and sit outside with Dog for a while, since you’ve been trapped by your injury.

Got to sit outside for my favorite kind of sunset – the one happening to people at higher altitudes after mine is already done [fig 1]. I know the day star keeps me and trees and slugs alive, but I like it best when we don’t share a room.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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