Alone
Another day of waiting alone. Staying up late watching progress bars and worrying. Getting 3 people and a dog to Cleveland is apparently all I can work on from Wednesday until Sunday, and requires staying (or getting) up for 4 AM airport tasks most of those days. Plus waiting for delays and cancelations, booking and rebooking, being locked in a tube (or hallway, or train car) too close to strangers for a dozen hours, and dealing with whatever cargo process Dog needs that I still don’t understand. Not eating or sleeping on anything like a schedule. And being lonely.
Today while I was up late, trying not to panic — trying but mostly failing to help — I managed to make M’s day even worse, and make you justifiably mad at me. It’s not great sometimes, when our panics misalign. When I can’t figure out (technically or emotionally) how to communicate effectively. When my own fears about being out of comms and being trapped push me into a place where I have trouble keeping your state of mind at the forefront of mine. For what it’s worth, I am sorry. I really hate when people are trying to help but not actually accomplishing it, and I hate that I was one of those people to you. You deserve better. I will do better.
I’m still gonna pick you up from the airport. I’ll try to make that happen without making things worse**.
There were other things for this The Screed, when I opened the email to write it earlier. I attached pictures I was going to talk about. There was more to say about New Family Values, now that I finished it. And talk about this week’s therapy. For now though, as my panic finally subsides a notch, I’m going to try to sleep for 3 hours before I go back to the Cleveland airport* for the 2nd of 4 times this week.
ZiB
*Ohio’s busiest airport, if the in-store advertising is to be believed. You wouldn’t guess by looking at it.
**And try to improve my own mood before then, because being mopey and needing constant reassurance is probably not the best approach at being better, and I was feeling a bit that way even before today. I wish could figure out how to stay at some speed between “ashamed to express my own needs” and “helpless and cannot be reassured”, but that’s hard for me even on good days.
