Sniff It

Here’s a thing I can never figure out how to communicate as a coherent set of non-contradictory facts. Or at least can’t figure out how to induce the right feeling about them to make them feel safe and compatible:
1. I believe you and in your ability to manage the things that are important to you. I believe that the decisions you make are sensible and useful for achieving the life you want. Even when I don’t understand exactly what that is.
2. You can have help with any decision that seems hard or scary or that you are not confident about or that you don’t have the time to make or that for whatever reason is difficult for you to manage alone. This isn’t a burden on me the way you imagine, even when it requires work on my part, because it’s a thing that helps me feel like I am actually supporting you, and that brings me great comfort.

It’s always my goal for you to be in control of your life, doing what you want in the way you want it. I’m also available to help you figure out what that is, and I think I can do that without taking control from you. I believe it’s possible for us to work together to make your life better and easier – particularly went it feels like better and easier are complicated – in a way that doesn’t diminish your control. I know the concept of having help with decisions feels dangerous and uncomfortable and maybe new, but I’m willing to do anything you like to make it feel safer. For example, we could practice with low-stakes things until it isn’t as uncomfortable. Or you can practice doing it for decisions in my life until it feels like a thing you can control.

My favorite game to play with Dog is now “Do you wanna sniff it”. It’s a simple game that he and I both win, sometimes dozens of times a day. It works like this: I am holding a thing and can see Dog, and if I have his attention I say “Do you wanna sniff it?” and offer it for inspection. He 100% of the time does in fact want to sniff it and proceeds to do so enthusiastically. It’s particular good if it’s got a distinct inside and outside so he can sniff both, or if it has recently been outside, or if it has contained food. I know Dog would sniff things whether I offer them or not, but I like to imagine that he’s excited to have me offer everything I touch, and that I think of sharing wirh him when I touch things. I would be.

Because I imagine that all my relationships are bounded by the ever-decreasing supply of tolerance that people have for me, and because I’m very worried about presenting myself in the least demanding way to make that supply hold out, I have traditionally discouraged all the things I imagine might make people think of my when I’m not around. I didn’t want to spend any of that tolerance on times when I’m not even present to absorb the benefits. It’s a thing I even encouraged Shanda to do, and that for your own reasons you were often eager to undertake. But this is not really how I’d like my life to go. I think I’d like to imagine that other people think of me when I’m not present. That I’m on the list for sharing and that you sometimes relate other parts of your life to me. That the things I say sometimes have an impact. It rubs a little on the idea that thinking of me is a burden to others; like a Weeping Angel that merely holding me in your mind is dangerous. But I’m hoping with some practice I can figure out a different way to feel about it. That if I can imagine other people thinking about me without being harmed maybe I can find a piece of safety I’ve never had.

Hiked up to 29th Ave W with Dog and Shanda today, on the backyard forest trail. The dark, cold, wet weather continues to inspire me to be outside, so the climb didn’t feel quite so dreadful. I have this problem with walking, where I feel bad for not doing it, but when I do it I feel like I’m bad for putting on this show – real me would never do this so it’s fake. I’m bad for manipulating others with this display. It’s a great bit of depressive narc training I got about why things can never get better. I feel that way about a lot of things – that being recognized for doing good things must mean that my motives are impure. That all recognition is insincere and that I should read inattention as love. I try to squeeze skills out of that terrible training. It’s worth addressing, the idea that sometimes I can’t feel good about a thing I do unless it hurts me. But it’s rough to do the work.

Poked the woodworking again today. Looks identical to last time but it’s all much smoother now. Next is drilling and color. I am not doing great on certain projects (hooks, tea shelf) but I am doing projects in all classes each day so I feel like it’s still mostly working. Like I can keep using the same method to eventually do the rest. And like that won’t feel terrible when I do it.

Hard day again for Shanda. Sort of still happening since Thursday night. Made good accommodations for it on Friday but the feels were still going. Had a harder time dealing with it today, and couldn’t get to feeling the feels until quite late. Things went well given that circumstance, but still a lot of anxiety today. And lots of waiting for it to get better. We did move the needle on you seeing my feelings though, which is always good. I feel so opaque sometimes, even as I literally document my life and my feelings.

I realized the other day that I never talk about sex here. And don’t worry, I’m not threatening to share stories of poly pagan goth clown cult orgies. But in thinking about it I realized there’s a whole separate class of quasi-secrets for things that I learned later in life. Things that were not part of my life when I was under 12 and that when I learned I was able to keep entirely separate from Mother even though I was engaged myself. Things like cranberry turkey stuffing sandwiches or sex or managing my education or finances. Things that I don’t intend to be secret and don’t in general act to protect as secrets, but that I also do not acknowledge outside specific (usually prompted) contexts. I should probably figure out what those are and convert them into a sharing/secrets model I like better, because the current one is sort of “secret until someone says the magic word” and that plan doesn’t work with the sort of sharing I want to do. Though I’m currently not clear on how to do that, because the weird spot they occupy in my social brain makes them slightly invisible to me in the same way I make them slightly invisible to other people.

Feeling a little stuck on some pending insurance tasks. I’m waiting on the clock to deal with mistakes in processing my insurance for my last therapist. I paid cash, submitted a claim, and then the insurance company decided the provider was in-network (which is likely a mistake but it’s hard for me to know) and paid them a second time instead of paying me. They’re just sitting on my claims for the new therapist. And there’s Medicaid. And claims for Dog for his eye and whatnot.

More than occasionally I have anxiety about waiting for other people to do things they tell me they want to do. Particularly when we can’t talk about it; when I can see that the doing itself is hard, or the deciding to do is anxious or avoidant. I know the relief from this is just for me to disengage because it’s not my task. But I always wish I could do something to help. Something other than just making you feel pressured.

Looks like there will really be a game tomorrow. I’ll have to get my character back to level 2 so I can drop into the new story. I hope I can invent some cool way to appear. Last time around I was going to come in with my own team when we had guest players lined up. I was going to “translate” for a partner who didn’t speak, in a Psych (USA Networks) sort of way. I can probably work something out though. I’m a world-class liar after all, and if I ask the right way the GM lets me roll 1:1 odds on a story wish.

Talked to DerbyK about weird attacks from people who can’t be bothered to be self-consistent let alone introspective. Fear about managing ourselves in relationships. Fear about the way our lives might hurt people we love. About the unpleasantness of feeling forced to take sides, or to communicate with emotions that share pain instead of togetherness. And about how you help me feel normal by sharing your daydreams.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.