Relentless Reticent Rescreed

Had my first session with a new therapist on Wednesday night. Not ideal circumstances – I only made it home to M’s a couple of hours before session, after having left Seattle at 10 AM the previous day. But it think it went pretty well. Certainly better than any other therapy session I remember.

As I’ve described before I often feel misunderstood, and because of the way I was abused that makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong. In particular when there’s a mismatch between my perception of my own self-awareness and psycho-education and the one the therapist sees or believes or assumes. When I feel I know what’s happening in my life and describe it to them and they come back with a statement that assumes I don’t know avoidance is, or can’t identify my emotions. I probably ought to assume they’re wrong but I end up assuming I am, that nothing I think I know is right, that everything I have recommended to others is wrong, that I have to start back at 0. Because it would be intolerably narcissistic to assume I actually knew what was happening in my life.

In any case, this therapist didn’t make me feel like that. It felt like they believed the work I was doing and the things I knew. Which was good. And I was specifically checking for incremental improvements to their understanding of me, which seemed to be happening. I’m not sure if it was good, but it was certainly better, and that’s reassuring in terms of feeling like I’ll be able to find help.

They were also very willing to pay attention to and prioritize my specific treatment goals. That’s not something I have trouble expecting but it is something I have trouble making happen. It also was the first session I’ve had that didn’t leave me feeling defensive and anxious about the next one, so that’s good. I won’t be able to keep doing this if it always feels as draining as I’ve come to expect, but that didn’t feel like a problem this week.

I’ve been thinking about the times I’m induced to feel socially trapped, and how it relates to the somewhat different way I feel trapped when traveling. I associate it with interactions where Shanda is stressed and waiting for something external to make her feel better but the pattern is broader. It happens when I can see someone having a hard time and feeling like it can’t be made even a little better. When they can see things are hard but feel there are barriers that prevent even minor relief. I read that as a sort of learned helplessness and it makes me sympathetically sad – I’ve been there many times and it’s the worst. I’ve learned things that often let me get away from that feeling but I still don’t know share that, at least not in ways that seem effective.

Depending on the severity it probably /can’t/ be shared in the moment, but I also can’t seem to figure out how to share about it later once the moment is past. And that makes me hopeless in the way that makes me think I can only help by leaving. Makes me feel like what I see as care is bad for people and they should be protected from me so I don’t burden them with it. These days I can usually counter my own insensible reaction to that stressful situation – I can often just hang with it, being reactive enough to stay present but not so much as to be demanding. Still, there’s so much distance, and it’s filled with pain. It’s a place I’d like to spend less time but I don’t yet know how to do that.

I’ve been thinking about the ways The Screed doesn’t work like I want in terms of people talking to me. I’m pretty good at feeling connected just by talking at you and eventually checking to be sure your eyebrows are where I expect, or that the number of tacos seems accurate. And I know it helps you feel connected to me. But man I wish I could figure out how to know things about you that aren’t merely subtle reactions to me or eavesdropping I get by happenstance.

I figured out one limitation; one that I mostly impose on myself and therefore could remove. I share all of the things here, don’t get any feedback, and then feel like that means I can’t discuss the topic again. I didn’t get any response so no one wants to hear about it, and I certainly couldn’t repeat myself in person to try a different avenue. If it was too overwhelming to handle in email making people talk about it out loud would be even worse.

That’s sort of silly though. For one thing I can’t – and in many ways I don’t – take a lack of open repsonse to mean that I had no impact, or that no one cares. But more importantly I’m allowed to mention things twice and to press for a response when I want support or discussion or feedback. I’m allowed to publish my life and still talk about it with people whe I see them. I’m going to have to practice to not feel dumb about it, but I think it’s worth trying. I wish I had this idea 3 months ago.

I’m the same way, I should recognize that I pick people who I know have trouble sharing. Because the have trouble sharing even. I know that one of the things I’m doing on purpose is to go first, to take the risk, to build the safety we both need. Which is great and I love and I want to do. But it also is inequitable of I do it forever, and I need to build relationships where that isn’t what I’m doing all the time. I still expect that someday I’ll train you to help me get what I need, but I should also add people who don’t find sharing quite so daunting.

Which is the thing I’m actually doing on OKCupid – practicing talking to people who don’t need someone to stare past their sunglasses and pinpoint the one feeling we both have but aren’t talking about. Again I love doing that but if that’s all I do it puts me in a place where patience is my whole life, and that will always leave me frustrated and often lonely. Right now I feel like it’s not safe for me to share with people¹Even though I have shared episodes of The Screed with several people who are on the opposite side of that line and have had pretty consistently good feedback about it. E in particular has gone out of their way to pick out soemthing the feel connected about, even in a sea of things where they have no context. So I should ask them about sharing. who haven’t been traumatized into silence. Not because they might hurt me but because I’m dangerous to them. That’s the same sort of limitation though, where I could just stop making up reasons that the thing I’m good at can’t be applied to help myself. And with practice it will presumably stop feeling so impossible.

I think that’s sort of the thing I was feeling about Don front the train and yelling at people to promote sharing. I need to imagine that it’s not just the weary and oppressed that need more sharing it’s everyone. And if I can do it for people who can’t talk to me it sure shouldn’t be harder for people who can. So I don’t need to yell at people on the bus, but I should imagine that I really can talk to anyone. And that I should find opportunities to do so, because it will make the world better for both of us.

I also should remember that I like the part where I am being patient and making small gestures and helping people find a path to safety. I want to help them to a place where trust is easier and I want to apply the right small bits of pressure to make that easier. But I shouldn’t feel like I’m failing just because that process isn’t always symmetric. And I should build my support network so I can have what I need even when the help I’m providing and the help I need aren’t aligned.

It’s painful to watch people you care about have a hard time. To see the space between what is happening and what might someday be, and all the pain that can fill that gap. It’s hard to find a place I can stand to provide enough support for change while still being safe enough to avoid communicating failure. Incremental improvement is my bag and I want to celebrate it and build processes to keep it happening. I should align those goals – my improvement and theirs – so it’s eaiser for both of us. That’s one place where more feedback and more directness²Hard Conversation was hard, and I did react strongly to it and freak out a little. But only for a minute, and I don’t think in quite the way you were worried about. For me it was hard largely because there were so many parts that I knew were happening but had no influence about. Parts I had been worried about for a long time but … Continue reading could really help me.

After two days traveling I spent Thursday in a hospital waiting room³A planned event that went as expected – it’s why I’m back to Cleveland one last time. I’m intentionally not sharing details but it’s all good. It’s great actually, that it happened in the first place. A big improvement that I was worried would be too much, but that I am so proud you were able to pull off. I know … Continue reading. Also not great for my anxiety. Or my sleep. Or my day job. It’s lonely, sitting in public places and waiting. It reminds me of being abandoned in public when I was young, not being sure when I’d get to leave or eat or be warm or safe. I suspect that’s part of the reason travel is so hard, particularly when it triggers other abandonment feels. I’m glad I traveled to help with the surgery, even if my helping is mostly waiting and being in a nearby room.

Friday was good. The first time in 3 days where I wasn’t mostly waiting. Did most of my day job (but am still holding 4 SRs). Took the new granny cart out to get rid of the old broken granny cart. Figured out how the bus works in Severance Circle to get to the post office. Watched Austen Powers and did my nails with M. Got to chat about all sorts of things and play with a pig. Got lots of stuff done and had a nice evening.

Slower day Saturday, at least until evening. Built a circuit to try to make the Nest work with a 2-wire setup but it didn’t work – the coil load was too low for the parts I had on-hand. I brought wire to do a replacement run but I’m not sure I’m going to find the motivation (or be able to reach) to do that tomorrow before I leave. Ran out in the afternoon to 3 different stores to find bananas that were ripe enough to eat same-day, after the ones we had delivered were 100% green. That was sort of an adventure with a lot of waiting for rides, a driver who stopped to pee, several driver cancelations, etc. But I got everything else I needed done earlier other than filling emergency water jugs (but that became implausible once full-kitchen cooking started early in the afternoon).

I’m worried about V and Cowboy, who are coming at a similar situation from different places. They’re both feeling pretty isolated, which makes anything tough. But they also both reached out to me, which I think is fantastic. And I’m asking them to do it again, even though it’s hard – because it’s hard. Not only will it help me tamp down my own fear for another couple of days but it’s also the way to keep yourself tethered at a time when you’re at risk of drifting away⁴This would also be a great time to contribute some anonymous social support to your fellow readers. It will make me feel supported and I suspect it will help them to, even if it’s just to let them know that you spent a minute thinking about them and believing that they matter enough for you to act..

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.