Saturday

Shanda slept super late today. Late enough that I did morning dog. But she seems to be doing better today. Less body pain, and a better mood to match. Got projects done, took the dog for an early walk, even opened the mail (which she almost never does). I hope that bodes well for the weekend.

Talked to M again for a minute. Then sent 200 questions via email because I can’t stop talking but don’t want to bother them.

Dave talked at me too, several times even, but not interactively. He doesn’t get 200 questions because I don’t even know enough to guess what to ask. And I already had my new person warm fuzzies from asking the first 2k questions 20 years ago.

I checked in with A today. Last week they was worried about classes in the terrible way we ask high school students to be worried. This week they seems a bit more confident. And more interested in making their own choices about what is important.

B is coming today and staying the night. Then LS will be here Sunday afternoon. So there will be too many people in my house all weekend, or at least that’s what my feelings tell me. I’m not so rationally convinced though, since I’ve had extra people in my house (not even counting dog) for the vast majority of weeks in the past few years. Some of those were hard – Melissa was hard – but in general it’s not that bad. It’s funny the way we think ourselves incapable or disinterested in a thing even as we do it repeatedly; the space between what we want and what we’re doing is dangerous. But there’s a whole Monday on Shanda’s calendar that’s nothing but me, so even if today is a bust there will still be plenty of good times alone.

On Tuesday my package goes live. I’m anxious to see how it is received. It’s simultaneously nothing important and the only thing I can think about. I worked up a Trogdor icon to try to promote initial engagement, but historically it has been weeks or months before there’s much feedback. We’ll see how this one goes. Once it’s live I’ll at least be able to switch my anxiety from preparatory to reactive. Instead of worrying about typos and other imperfections I can no longer fix I can worry about how counter-productive my efforts were overall.

Why does my phone A) have autocorrect but not spell check, and B) require the system dictionary to have Phone permissions? I’m never going to give the dictionary access to my call logs or phone number, which I guess just means I don’t get one in system text boxes, since there doesn’t seem to be any way to select a replacement.

Since I added Dave to the screed I have wondered if I should add others***. DerbyK would probably go for it. And I told Cowboy months ago I intended to make him a better friend. I did the work for a while, but it didn’t get easier fast enough to sustain. He wasn’t always up for interactive text, and was least comfortable with the parts that are most valuable to me. He respects me a lot but it’s the sort of respect one pays with distance and reverence* instead of connection. He might be up for it as non-interactive text though.

Eventually I’ll find some combination of format and distribution** and content that lets someone respond. I write because I want to share and not to motivate direct responses, but I imagine someday it won’t /only/ be shouting into the void. I should at least be able to work out some more taco-like deals.

Watched @Zac and Malika live wandering about Vancouver on the live stream. I saw they were in Yaletown and looking for lunch, so Shanda and I hopped on chat recommended The Flying Pig. They went there and ate and even liked it, and we sat at home and were jealous. It’s like Twitch Plays but IRL. It’s sort of like sharing experiences with people, but I get to do it from home.

ZiB

*Not unlike K’Tuck, who I guess could also be on the list. K’Tuck is even on the same side of the line as me, and won’t have the same sort of trouble Cowboy does. But he still talks to me like he’s across the line, protecting me from his crazy and his pain.

**I fear missing the opportunity to share more specifically with individuals by sharing more broadly. And I fear having to censor my thoughts about others too much. But I’m becoming less convinced that needs to be a dichotomy, particularly when the broad version is so often one-way communication. I like to imagine writing to specific individuals, but without frequent and direct feedback that’s a pretty fuzzy distinction. I can maybe understand it as investing my effort more efficiently; sharing broadly to reach anyone who might care and investing more specifically when and where someone else engages.

***If anyone has an opinion on this please let me know. I have a particular investment in the existing participants and don’t want to fuck it up.

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Sent from a phone.