Saturday

I had a discouraging interact with S today. Yesterday we talked about the work restrictions on young people and how it makes gainful employment very difficult for people who aren’t old enough to be eligible for any public assistance. He asked a question like “I don’t see young people camping on the sidewalk/highway margin — where are they”. Which I read as sort of like “are you sure young people are homeless”? Not a challenge per se but at least a sincere question. I did what I could to answer impromptu but I was not super satisfied with what was communicated. There conversations are always hard for me because I feel like I it becomes my obligation to explain a terrible thing someone doesn’t want to think about merely to be able to relate to them about my current life.

So today I started texting him a better discussion, wherein I described some of the modes that being homeless takes for young people and some of the challenges that are distinct to people who aren’t legally allowed to be considered as people§. But it didn’t go well. He literally told me to stop texting because it was bothering him. I can chalk a bit of that up to his old man phone issues — he only recently got a smart phone — and I can try to understand his reaction as overwhelmed, but it still feels a lot like rejection for accurately answering a question I was explicitly asked.

It’s the sort of thing that makes me appreciate having an ego back channel like The Screed, because that context sometimes makes it easier for people to see me and not just my perceived attack, but I’m pretty S wouldn’t be able to look at me anymore if I sent him anything like The Screed. I’m also annoyed that it means I don’t get to talk about his theory of intentional robot rule changes, which I wanted to bring up in the hopes of offering a perspective he clearly don’t have easy access to.

Talked with Shanda again today. I’m more convinced that we’re converging. It’s still pretty easy for her to stare at my emotions and imagine they are about her and not me, but I no longer feel like we’re at gaslighting-as-defensiveness, which feels like a big improvement. Unfortunately she was only here and awake and not busy for like 90 minutes today, but those 90 minutes were pretty good. And she texted something other than logistical coordination for the first time a long while.

Dog’s feats of athleticism are sometimes amazing. In that they’re 147% enthusiasm, -50% planning, and 3% luck. Today he fell on his back trying to jump someplace he could have eaisly stepped, hit his head getting back up, and then almost didn’t make his second knee-high leap. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that he’s 12. He acts like he hasn’t figured out his body yet, like a puppy. But the lechery and constant heart burn are sort of old man giveaways, so I guess it’s more like he’s overestimating his physical capabilities like someone who remembers being good at parkour but hasn’t tried for 30 years.

I feel like I’ve got things back under control with A. I was a little nervous that I had scared him off, but today I was reassured that all is well enough. Presumably always was. M was on hand today too, versitile fruits and otherwise, which reminded me that I was promised other texmex delights, Dave*. Talked with you about the false safety of familiarity and its relation to the capacity for improvement. And about crayons.

Ortega makes my taco pop.

ZiB

*Historically when called out by name Dave will respond by destroying his homework instead of submitting it. So I assume he’s currently deleting the draft he’s had ready for week.**

**I have been told that pissing people off is not how to get them to open up. And I agree it’s not ideal; less invasive options are usually preferable. But my experience suggests it’s one of several methods that might be effective when other channels are blocked. If applied carefully. I hope.

§Except for punishment purposes — there’s no minimum age on punishment

— 
Sent from a phone.