The Privilege of Patience
My landlord now feels like they fucked up, which is great. They haven’t gotten to feeling helpless yet but we’re on the right path. They’ve emailed again, after I stopped replying. They were angry but also afraid and still demanding my compromise beyond the bounds of law. So I will continue to bait them into admitting crimes by not talking and then sending a certified letter to them demanding immediate payment. I hope they ignore it an I get a judge to declare they owe $6k instead of the $2k I am demanding presently.
I like being good at this, when my brain will stop yelling about how I’m unethically manipulating people. Shanda likes it too, which is all the worse when the brain gets yelly. It’s proof that not only am I bad but people like me for badness. It’s proof I have become – perhaps always was – a narc like Mother. It’s so hard for me to judge when I’m allowed to be good at influencing how people feel and when I should not. People often say that I’m doing the right kind of manipulation but can never explain why or how.
This is sometimes why I think I should do management consulting. I’m good at handling billionaires, good at using their feelings to influence their actions. But it can also feel like my job is kicking puppies when I engage in the game with them. It reminds me how much work it is to keep yourself braced against encounters with a narc.
The day job didn’t get much attention this week. I did finally log in today and do email and SRs. Which is better than I did other days this week. I’m back on the queue next week, which should finally be okay again, now that I’m not holding 4 months of work in my own queue. And I’m glad to have checked in and cleared my doom pile before the weekend.
Got A/C installed today. Just a single head split unit up in the bedroom. It won’t keep the whole house cold, but it will keep the bedroom at any temperature I select even when the world is on fire. It’s slightly awkward to mount with all the slanty roof lines but we got it in over the bed and it should be great. It also lets me eliminate the electric heat upstairs, and provides and air filter, which has been of some import lately. Mostly I’m excited to get a mechanical project done at the house, and to get back the security of climate control that I gave up when I moved.
I’ve started seeing a nutritional therapist, to see if there’s something to be done about my eating disorder. Results are mixed thus far, which is to be expected in early days. They are able to avoid being disgusted with me, at least with notice, which is great. And they’re open to the idea of oppression impacting ongoing choices and to try framework-less problem solving, which are both very useful to me. They also consistently overestimate how powerless and anxious I feel, and underestimate my breadth of experience, which is not great. We’ll see how it comes together.
I am trying to get my regular therapist to do their assigned reading. I’ve been off script for like a month now and they have not used this opportunity to catch up. But I’m doing the book again, even if I have to drag them along a little. Hopefully next week will be better.
I rarely come back to these if I fall asleep before they are done. It can be difficult for me to fit any new pieces on once I give up the initial focus. Today instead of a Screed I used all my writes and researches on parenting and landlord tasks. Both went well – one made me feel loved and the other smart – but together they consumed most of today’s brain power and all of my words.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
