Languid Layoffs, Angry Armor
If you just start it’s often not as hard to keep going, once you’ve made it past the bit where your brain won’t engage. But it’s not really any different over there. You’ve just given up some of your dread.
It’s been a medium weekend. Things are hard because Shanda is having a hard time, but I did accomplish things that I like and mostly avoided feeling burnt out. That’s only a minor success on an absolute scale, but it it’s a big improvement over the version where sustainable isn’t an option and it feels like negotiating your survival. I’ve spent too long close to that survival place in recent weeks and I’m ready for it to be different.
I keep missing DerbyK. The last time we talked it was just before your decided to get married. I hope we find a spot to talk between then and the wedding. And I’ve got got surprises for you even if we don’t.
For a while there I did lots of individual writing, in addition to this public rant. I’ve left some of those for too long. They aren’t actually hard, if I just agree to do them. Having the printer back online will help too. I’ll make it a point to get one out this week, so I don’t build up too much dread.
Some of you tell me that you’re too angry. I don’t think anyone is too angry – our feelings are just the size they ought to be – but I see what you mean about how it bursts out and can hurt people. I can see how it makes you feel out of control. Here’s one place you might exert control to use your anger – in social settings where you feel intimidated. Try out some of that anger as a salve to your fear, as a way to have control at a time when you might otherwise feel disempowered. When you’re afraid that a cop or a Karen will keep you from what you need maybe find some of that righteous rage and give it a new home. You don’t want to be out of control, but you are allowed to point your anger at the places where you need protection. Your brain wants to do thay anyway. You just need to help it pick better targets than yourself and the people you love.
I got my therapist going on a new textbook but it had been difficult for me to keep up with it myself in recent weeks, so I’m not sure yet if we can work it together. They have a somewhat stubborn resistance to making the imagery more abstract and we still haven’t had an honest discussion about the interaction. But I think I can get back at it this week. Maybe next. We’ll see if I can find time to generate a reaction to the book and a plan to discuss it.
It looks like my day job is finally going to do something about my department. Part of it needs to stay because of corruption compliance reasons, but I have intentionally kept free of such entanglements. But they want to move SRs to India, and that will definitely mean my specific job goes away. Which I’m all for. I don’t want any more SRs. There are other things I could imagine doing for F5 but I’d honestly be all for some severance pay and some time off too. And until then it means no one cares about my SRs, or at least that there are no longer any consequences if I don’t care. So 6 months of that will be great too. Maybe I can stick around long enough to get my 10 year vacation from them – in another 11 months they will owe me two weeks time and like $15k for a vacation. Maybe we won’t still be in lock down then.
Cowboy sent me a note, one full of well-intentioned lies. Just like you knew I would read it. But I’ll hang on to it anyway, and see if I can have a different feeling about it when I’m a different person.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
