Dishes and Other Forms of Self Abuse
I did all the things today. Applied for Medicaid, installed plumbing and hooks and bars, walked my granny cart to the grocery store, cooked supper, washed all the dishes, did my laundry, assembled a vacuum cleaner. Did scheduling for next week, got to have an uninterrupted, low-distraction conversation with my wife, sat on the couch and vegged for 40 minutes – I even mostly slept until after noon to burn down my deficit a bit.
And despite all that, the presence of visitors, and a very late start it still felt like a day that was both productive and reasonably relaxed. Not exactly lazy and low key but a decent balance and a good preparation for a (hopefully) slow day tomorrow.
I started on some feels talks that had been pending and making me anxious. Shanda was having trouble about dog travel and housing applications but I think made good progress on both counts. It’s tough to be apart but it’s teaching us both better self management and providing some opportunities to disrupte old, maladaptive habits. I felt like I was allowed to stand up for myself instead of just taking abuse for 20 minutes when you got upset about a thing I couldn’t even influence. I’m a little afraid that saying so will make you feel bad but I thought it was pretty good compared to similar interactions in the past, and I hope you can too.
Also got my foot in the door with some M feels. It’s still just the edge of discussion but it was such a relief to see you invite me toward exactly the place I hoped to go. I’ve been holding my breath a little the past week and I wasn’t sure the promise of change you offered was reliable – I couldn’t quite see the path. But I shouldn’t let my anxiety have quite so much influence on my confidence in your plans. It would be easier if you let the next step leak instead of playing quite so close to the chest – waiting too long for other people’s avoidance is often a problem for me and I want to prevent it. But I don’t know how to do that yet, at least not when I’m floating in darkness. Probably we could meet somewhere in the middle; I’m still so loosely attached that I fear slipping away. But I’m no longer pointed at desperation.
Had a nice day on Sunday. After a small amount of departure drama we finally got to the gym. It was great. Sat in the sauna for 30 minutes, which was enough to convince me that I want one at home*, then had 10 minutes of cold shower. M had a massage but I feel like I got the better deal. Did actual gym things afterward and got to start some feels talks, which really helped with my anxiety. I’m looking forward to going back and I’m relieved our next session is already on the calendar.
Made an impromptu move of some amphibians on the way back from the gym – like the students here all the pets becomes homeless over break so we’re taking some in for short-term care. The move could have used slightly more planning but it came off eventually, and I wandered home carrying bags of live animals and chatting with a werido pulling an aquarium and my gym shorts home on a granny cart**. After much water moving they are now living on our dining room table. Where it took all of 10 minutes to decide the filter was too noisy and order a new one. Free upgrade for your tank. Or at least I hope you think it’s an upgrade, since I didn’t ask. It might just become a fish filter I own in mid January, but in the meantime it will be quiter.
I snuggled with Penelope (Pen-el-ope) the guinea pig today. It made me miss Dog. I’ve been sort of just avoiding Dog feels, which was a big help while he was missing and a moderate help while I’ve been gone, but petting this little buddy and having her snuggle under my chin was too much. I miss Dog. It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other. Hopefully he still loves me when I get home. I’m not worried about Shanda like I was last time I was headed west (traveling Wednesday) but I am worried about Dog even though it’s safe money to bet that he’s galloping glad to see me.
Had some feels about pets in general. I have a learned, cognitive belief that I don’t like small pets. I know this is because A) it’s what Mother told me since I was too young to know better and B) it’s a protection against the way she used to kill my pets. But actually holding one doesn’t feel that way at all, and it’s nice to be able to distinguish between my actual feelings and the way I was conditioned to respond. I like my big dog but I could definitely do small pets too.
Also had feels about pets and abandonment. About the way I don’t want to interact with other people’s pets – or have my own – because I fear that simply being near me will harm them. And because I want to protect myself from getting attached because inevitably I will have to leave, and it’s easier to leave if I don’t have to give up so much. To avoid loss by avoiding love. It’s the same feels I have about people. Which is sad and infuriating and made me cry a little. But it’s good to grieve and to heal, and M gave me a hand hug to help make it better. I’m not worried about leaving Penelope, even though I’ll only be living here a short time. Instead I’m glad to know her, and to have M share her with me. I feel like it’s a thing I can keep even after I go, and not just another thing I’ll inevitably have to abandon. I know I say this a bunch but living here has been so great for me. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done.
I did this today [fig 1], which I’m very excited about. Every time I see myself I’m surprised and happy. I feel pretty inept as one does in any new task, but other than it taking forever I so don’t care. I wish I knew I could like colors earlier, because I would have done this years ago. M walked me through it and didn’t even threaten to touch my face while that happened, which was super great. I’m anxious to try again and get better at it, and to coordinate with my clothes and earrings and nails. I feel a little like a 4-year-old smashing colors together when I do some of this but I’ve decided to understand that as a good thing. I already know how to be subtle in ways few others can even appreciate, so I shouldn’t feel bad for choosing not to be when I so desire.
Somewhat more tasks on the calendar for tomorrow, but I think a manageable day if my day job doesn’t get in the way. I’ve still got a couple of SRs kicking around but nothing ancient like I had last week. And I’m still not on the queue so there’s a decent chance I’ll have a slow week. I am handholding all of engineering through a self-created emergency, but I’m pretty good at that, and it’s a great excuse to not do SRs or other boring work. I’ll have to figure out how to get some down time afterward but one week at a time.
The robot team played on Saturday and isn’t advancing to the next level of competition. I haven’t gotten specific updates from anyone but my impression from Discord chat during the day is that we played in finals but lost. Which honestly sounds fine to me. I feel like we wrote good software, and I’m glad T found the confidence to participate in that while I was gone. Some lower pressure robot building for the rest of the year would be great. We could get some work done in better libraries for next year, more consistent motor controls, refactored config systems. And we could do fun things that we never get to play with. Competitions are honestly my least favorite part of robots and I’m totally okay with being done with them this year.
Talked for a minute today about the politics of social sexual behavior as it relates to gender. I continue to be very sensitive claims that people with penises have an eaiser time at this. There are certainlu gender segregated rules about this, like all things in the patriarchy, but there are rules for all sides. When an 11-year-old boy is repratedly raped and his rapist eventually becomes pregnant the headline reads “boy impregnates woman” because he’s not a victim, he’s hero. For being raped over and over. When young men feel the same social pressures about sexual activity that young women do we talk about it like they should be grateful while telling young women to be fearful. And we translate those rules into assumptions about the frequency or severity of harmful scenarios based on gender, even though many such scenarios are symmetric – we apply different punishments to men and women but we apply punishments pretty much universally. Hell, we sometimes apply both versions of such punishments to people who refuse to conform sufficiently to one of the permitted gender roles. All of which is to say – please remember that the existence of privilege is not the freedom from oppression. I feel so excluded sometimes from feminism, which I want so badly to align with in my own fight against the patriarchy.
Also I should try to work out the specifics of my sexual abuse enough that I can stop being triggered by well-intentioned discussions that aren’t even about me. I have trouble coming up with specific examples but I’m pretty sure that’s just repression because my reactions are so outsized. And if I look around the edges there are lots of things I do remember that make it hard to believe it wasn’t happening. It’s just like tm physical abuse – I can’t remember a single strike, but the pieces around the edge are so obvious that it must be my dissociation. It’s simply implausible that Mother’s impulsive behavior*** and ongoing discussion of hitting didn’t result in hitting.
I haven’t got a priorities list for my life or day job ready for next week but I know what I’m doing tomorrow and I think I’m gonna be okay with delaying the rest so I can have an easy night at the end of with my easy day. I might even get a chance to read for a minute.
ZiB
*It would be a great thing to put in the back corner of my garage. But I feel like major home projects probably have to wait at least until I figure out how to pay for all my homes.
**That thing is the best and makes it like 40% easier to not own a car. If you walk anywhere you should own one. I’m definitely going to get one for Seattle. You should maybe own one just for hauling things around your home. Talk to me about folding, stair-climbing hand trucks.
***I literally had to stop her from buying a pony once. A pony that was “for Alex” even though Alex didn’t want one. And we didn’t have any way to even get it home, let alone care for it. Emotion-driven impulse was everyday life, so the idea that talking about hitting wasn’t at least sometimes related to hitting is pretty unlikely.
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Sent from a phone.
