Nutritional News

Very exciting news today. Gave me many smiles, and hope for a whole slew of future joy. But I’m going to try keeping it to myself for just a minute, at least until we’ve been able to celebrate together. I’m not great at keeping anything, and I’ve never been able to see how secrets are anything but expensive, but I’m going to give it a try. I am hoping maybe it lets me feel a different kind of connection, and to define a boundary I’m actually inside.

I sent boxes last week, braving the post office (but not the bus). I’ve been behind on my mailing schedule, particularly with the recent household stress, and it was good to get them out. One of them was full of love and safety and I think it might have made your feels pop out for just a minute ¹I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure you sometimes get stuck with no feels coming out at all. Which sounds stressful. I know you can handle that for a while – that you had to for a long time – but I think there are other options now. I know it’s scary sometimes, that letting the edge of that damn down feels like losing control, and that … Continue reading. Another was full of long-necked dinosaurs and dead plants, another colored bits and googly eyes, another came with scaled down kinship and horny, big-eyed birds. I got to see some of you actually use the pieces I sent, which not only connects me to you, but also helped find my past self. Gifts were insane in my past life, and while my smart brain has learned what is “normal” my dumb brain still predicts the insanity. It’s really useful to be close to a normal reponse, and give my brain some other experience, even if it is decades late.

Powered through 7 SRs today, which will be great for my quarterly stats. My held count crept up to 3, but that’s still pretty good given the backlog. Also got my deadline work for the week done, so if the rest of the week is quiet on SRs there’s a good chance I can close the week with 0.

Talked with Shanda about changing our eating. My physician has recommended that I find a trauma-informed nutritionist (think food-related therapy, not vitamin sales). It’s not a terrible idea, but I’m not sure it’s plausible yet, at least not without upsetting recent improvements to our eating. I’m also not sure any plan can survive the instability of our food supply related to long-term stress. When you’re in day 10 of tension it gets really complicated even to get food, let alone eat like a human, unless I do it completely alone. And I’d desperately like to have my eating stop being so alone.

I had lots of trouble eating today. At like 11 PM, after only managing a few bits of dinner porridge ²I also had two marshmallows and about 6 croutons earlier in the day, for a total of a few hundred calories. I like diner porridge, generally speaking, but today I couldn’t handle more than a few bites., I gave up and used drugs to make it easier. I am not excited about the drugs-as-a-tool plan because there are lots of reasons I don’t want weed to be a routine daily requirement, but it sure does make eating easier. I’ve got lots of specific traumas about food – punishments, rot, swallowing, starvation, segregation, lack of water, etc. – and no sensible experience to draw on. It all adds up to me never feeling like eating is a good idea, and often being unable to do so unless I make myself choke it down. My concept of what food I like is based on what it’s easiest to make myself eat, and how little I can think about it to make that happen. I know better ways to eat, and if I’m feeding others I can sometimes make them happen. But I have had a lot of trouble getting myself to feel differently about wanting food for myself.

My therapist sometimes imagines they want to talk about this, but I don’t think they’re up for it. When they get close to the topic it feels like guidance counceler pamphlet time, which is always discouraging for me, as it’s a strong indicator that I can’t have actual help. I’m also pretty confident they’d have fearful disgust reactions to some parts of my life, and there are only so many of those I can take in a relationship. My life has been full of so many things that disgust and scare people, and I know there’s a limit to what people will tolerate. I know there’s a limit to how much I can tolerate before I need to protect myself.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s topic is. That part about the safety of death from Broken Things might work, though I’m not sure how long it would take to spin up my therapist on that. Last week I tried a thing about becoming part of broadly shared emotional experiences ³Like at a sports game or a party, or other experiences where people use words like “universal” or “human”, and which my brain says are not for me. I’m allowed to see what it is, maybe even mock participation, but only as an outsider. Even if I could be part of it I shouldn’t, or so says my brain, because there aren’t any situations … Continue reading, which made them excited, but which also took a long time and never quite landed right. I’m not convinced the bit they were excited about is actually what I’m trying to do, and often that makes it difficult to get someone aligned with what I do want. There’s maybe something more practical I could get them to talk about, if I spend a minute constructing a story they can hear. We’ll see what I have the time and energy for tomorrow.

@JCVIM reminds us that being locked inside is a good excuse to play dress up [fig 3], and gets @Gina to do so [fig 4]. I think that’s a great plan. I mean, take your days in no pants, and whatever else you might have rare opportunity for in regular life, but I think there is lots of fun to be had the other way around too. Wear something that reminds you of an adventure you had, or one you want to take, or something that you’d never wear outside the house. Then send me a picture, if you can, so I can (anonymously) share your work. Silly or serious, fancy or plain, pants ⁴Season 4 of Killjoys gives us this wisdom about people and pants: Tight pants are best pants. This might be less literally true if you are not a debutante space cowboy carrot, but the spirt remains – style isn’t everything, but it’s always something. or none, I’d be excited to see what you pick. I think we could all use the change of pace.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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