Catchup
I got back to writing a couple of days ago, but haven’t gotten back to this. For most of that time I was doing other things with my Screed time, but at a couple of points in there I got stuck in the trap of imagining that I want to “catch up” and fill in the gaps for the things I skipped in previous days.
But that’s neither good art nor good reason. I will likely revisit parts of my last week, but my goal here isn’t to carefully document my entire experience. It’s to use writing to make my life – and when I can yours – better. It’s to find a specific sort of introspection. It’s to keep you engaged in my life, even if only vicariously. It’s to keep myself engaged with imagining you.
It’s a common trap though, to imagine that you are “behind” and will need to – that you could – “catch up” after you choose not do something. It’s a lie corporations tell us to steal more of our labor. It’s a punishment we give to children in school. It’s a thing many people will ask you to do, just so they don’t have to accommodate you. So it’s easy to do to yourself.
It happens to all humans, but it happens a lot to humans who have lived a life with lots of survival choices. It happens when you have to prioritize some specific project or task to keep yourself safe, even if it’s harmful in other ways. It happens when you’ve lived a life with lots of emergencies.
But it also means that you are probably already holding your breath, trying to push through until your task is done. It’s okay to be in that state, but it’s one you should respond to instead of ignoring. It means that you need to breathe in the immediate future, even if it means changing your plans, or giving something else up. You might be able to hold your breath for minutes but you do need a plan to breathe again ASAP.
So hold your breath, when your life demands it. Grin-fuck whatever shit-sandwich you have to to get what you need. But don’t imagine you can do that without giving up something else. It has a cost, and that cost if doubled if you refuse to admit it, or try to hide it. Especially if you’re trying to hide it from yourself.
Imagine that many times you won’t be able to “catch up” when something interrupts your plans. You’ll still be tried and stressed after whatever made you “get behind” in the first place, and you’ll have your usual workload to keep you busy. Sometimes there are things you do have to accomplish, because sometimes you’ll have urgent and important goals, but probably less than your brain predicts. You have worked hard on reducing the number of emergencies in your life, and I’ve done many things to ensure you are safe even when they come up. Many times it would be safe to start fresh with a new plan for whatever it is you can handle today, even if that means things from yesterday’s plan never get done.
You like the idea of starting over. In many ways it already feels safe to you. The freedom to not be tied to a style or an address or a project for any longer than you want to stay focused on it. In fact it can be hard for you to stay with projects that require many work sessions, because it feels stifling and imperfect to keep all the pieces you built along the way. But starting your plan over – starting fresh without catching up – feels too overwhelming and dangerous. It almost certainly was, when your life was harder, and so your brain predicts it will be again. It still feels dangerous even though the consequences are now much smaller.
It feels dangerous because you never got to practice doing it safely. Your life often didn’t allow it. But it does now, at least when you can find time for it, and you don’t have to do it alone. Checklists and plans for being safe and staying in communication are sort of my thing, and I’d be happy to help you practice anything. I’d probably be excited.
Lots of people imagine I can help them give up things. Physical stuff, partners, parents, places. I have done it for lots of you. One of the things I help people give up is the idea that they aren’t doing enough.
Sometimes I even do it for myself. Like this week when I got an ADA letter and applied for an accommodation to work at home. I have worked at home for about 2 decades, but I’ve always done it contrary to policy and often clandestinely. As recently as 2017 it was a threat to my job security. But I don’t need to feel like I should “catch up” on missed office hours, or like I should hide my absence, and my life isn’t so dangerous that I should let myself get pushed around about it. I like fighting with school administrators, and this feels like that same sort of fight.
I know it’s hard to believe me, when I say things won’t be that bad. You’re right to imagine that I don’t know what you need and can’t possibly tell you what will be safe. You’re right to sometimes hold your breath for a minute or a day to get something you want. But you’re also free to change your priorities and see what happens. You know from experience that I can help you recover from anything, and that I am never without a plan to make things different.
It’s fine to put a lot of work into a plan to get something big done. But imagine that there are many paths, and you can walk them at different speeds. If the one you’re on now is making you hold your breath more weeks than not, maybe there’s another option to get what you want.
Here’s an example that more than one of you will think is about you. It’s not, at least not in the individual way your brain worries about. Imagine an organization that you like participating in, that has benefits for you and includes people you care about. Imagine that it demands more of you than you can give it right now. Under other circumstances you’d be happy to help, but right now you just can’t find time for the work (and the drama, and the wasted time). And at the same time you’re afraid to step back, for fear you’ll lose the parts you like. Maybe you’re afraid that without your labor the organization won’t provide what you want from it. Maybe you’re afraid to give up a thing that showed you how to find new parts of yourself, or to feel accepted. Maybe you’re afraid that you’ll lose access to other things in the future, by giving up this thing now.
Those are all valid fears, and it’s totally rational to have mixed feelings. But don’t be trapped thinking you can “keep up” with something that’s not sustainable. You want the life you can have when you reach your goal. But you also need to live the one that happens in the way there.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
