Exponential Decay

It snowed here this week. Even stuck around overnight and on the streets, which only happens a day or two a year, on average. They didn’t switch to snow routes on most routes, but they did add chains to all bus drive tires, which is a pain. Loaded 65′ articulated bus going 45 MPH with chains is pretty bad on the list of physical vehicle comfort even for public transportation. Then the bus threw a chain, just past the Aurora bridge, and we had to wait for the transfer to the next one. It’s a trunk line so it runs every few minutes, but it’s also busy so we can’t all get on the next bus. Eventually I continued north on another bus, toward robots, only to have that driver hit his maximum hours at 90th. So off the bus again, waiting for yet another one to fetch us. This was at least at a Taco Bell, so I got a burrito while we waited. I didn’t get the first bus at this transfer either but I did get to hang out with a man shouting angry words while emoting happiness. I was on headphones and found him quite tolerable that way; I liked how he kept the normies away while I ate a $3 burrito at a bus stop on the side of a highway across from a 50s motel.

I tired to heist my therapist a little. It might have worked. It at least made things go different than they did last time we had the same conversation. I talked to them about how I frequently cannot get help because when I ask for it people respond with fear, and thus are unable to render aid. Which is fine. The first rule of first aid is to avoid getting hurt yourself. But I sometimes do need help, even when it makes you afraid. I don’t know if it worked like I want, but I at least told the story and saw a repeated conversation be met with restraint instead of fear.

Other bits went less well. They continue to not understand, or can’t hear, some of the ways their pamphlets don’t fit. We had a conversation where the second thing they said after I presented the day’s topic was “you’ve clearly thought about this” ¹Which I read as moderate intimidation on their part. Not necessarily inappropriate, but defiantly a sign that they felt challenged instead of at ease. It’s tolerable but not great., and the same topic ended with them attempting to provide reassurance about how it was valuable for me to have discovered and said out loud this topic.

The topic was about the many ways its difficult for me to obtain help, even when I can ask for it and know what I need and can communicate about it and can induce feelings in others to help them understand what I need. The topic was the scam. It’s real and true but it’s with purpose, and so being praised for discovering my feels on the topic feels a lot like them not seeing me. At least not seeing the scam ²I might need a therapist who can be more help with heists. I’ve said that to this one. They didn’t have a reaction. This one is impressed sometimes when they can keep up, but they aren’t really up for helping with them..

Did HA4H today. My intial plans for monitor plus record didn’t work, but I did get it set up before the end. I also got the pendant 100% assembled and polished and whatnot, and wrote a new light program for it. I want to tweak it for better performance across different lifting conditions, and for a bias toward blue colors (at client request), but I’m happy with the hardware and the basic light algorithms. I also thought about sending these sorts of things out for the art heist, and what I’d do differently now that I finished a working thing with these materials. @BPS was mostly distracted but they drew this [fig 2].

I realized that I am fearful avoidant about writing that I can’t finish in one session. Even if I like doing the research or work to make it go, even if I get started, I don’t like to think about picking it back up. It’s related to the way I can’t keep anything, and to the way I needed to have no discernable strengths or weaknesses for so many years. So I’ll have to invent an art scam to help me find a different perspective. I’m open to suggestions.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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