Detained

I’m trying to avoid the thing where I don’t feel done and don’t send what I’ve written, so I’m just sending this and I’ll write a new one tonight with the other bits.

When I’m at the hospital, particularly after the treatment I sought is complete, I feel like someone will use my disability as an excuse to deny my agency. I am already being detained, and they insist that I satisfy them to be released. They don’t have the support of state violence by default but they can declare an emergency in which they do, and under which they can compel more “help” for potentially days at least and perhaps much longer.

So I’m afraid in the same way I would be in an interaction with a cop. “Am I being detained? Am I free to go?” At the hospital I’m not afriad of getting shot, but I am aware that state violence is a threat if I fail to perform the role of normal human well enough. If they decide to detain me only a penance of time and an appropriate performance will ever get me out.

That feeling is specific to situations like medical care and police interactions – places where authority has teeth, and where compliance may be demanded in order to avoid further punishment. It’s not my only barrier to getting help, but this one makes medical care in particular very high stakes.

I know what it’s like to be on the other side of a lock. It makes me crazy. I makes me vulnerable to predators. It’s proof that I’m not a real human, and eventually it becomes correct in that claim. If I was incapacitated and Shanda wasn’t available to intervene, I might still end up under Mother’s “care” at a hospital. They’d be helping her hurt me, not helping me. They’ve done it before, and little has changed to protect me.

ZiB

—
Sent from a phone.

• 

•