Well-Formed, Fully-Qualified, Uniform Resource Locator

Played Rimworld today. It’s still difficult for me to imagine that I want to play games for myself. But today I had the right sort of anxiety to want to manage a survival sim, so I poured it into my pawns. I learned new things and blinked enough so it was a good time.

Worked on TV maintenance today for the fist time on a long while. I used to imagine archival as a thing I liked doing, but I lost that somewhere. I did work to give up motivations about hoarding and fleeing, but apparently not enough work to be able to like it without those bits. We’ll have to work on that.

I realized yesterday that I’m ashamed for feeling relieved when I fled and abandoned the Kids. At the time I felt guilty about running away and leaving them to fend for themselves ¹In retrospect my leaving helped Mother cope with some parts of life, which offset some of the parts I used to manage. Plus she never hated them like she hates me, so she didn’t transfer many my punishments to them.. That still stings when something pokes it but I think mostly I’ve grieved it. I haven’t done as well with the guilt about liking my life without the Kids. As you might expect I resented the parenting I did, and was glad to have it be done. I was glad to abandon the Kids – a clearly corrupt and shameful desire.

Tried to help Shanda stay on task for her date. It’s still a thing that comes with a week worth of stress. You should plan some time off with me that doesn’t include date prep week. But I’m glad you’re doing it because it lets you see how you react differently to me than to other people in similar settings, which I think is enormously useful. It would be great if we could get it down to just like 3 days of stress and not planning though.

Thought some more about day job. I was wondering if there’s a version of job where I can do a less burdensome version of performance. I could maybe make the play acting I already do about Capitalism extend to my whole social identity in the office. That would let me have alternatives to small talk ²and other interactions people think they want to have with me but really shouldn’t without running a whole second scam. It would feel a lot like Sorry to Bother You, but that’s just life these days, so it’s worth trying if I can figure out how it’s shaped.

Started Witcher (Netflix) because C kept asking about it. It pays better than I expected. It’s a murder-heavy Hercules: The Legendary Journeys – not serious about the silly world they inhabit, but still interested in being decent film. I’m also stoked to see Doctor Who S12, which should have two episodes by the time we watch it tomorrow. I’m not sure yet what my next show to just visually gawp at will be. Euphoria was good with the makeup and the cosplay and way everyone was fracking hot ³seriously even the evil old patriarch is hot enough to hate fuck. Mr. Robot was great for its perspective shots, but now it’s gone too. I’m sure there’s something pretty to be had this season but I haven’t found it yet.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.