Frosty Foam Filigree

Dog got a Christmas present today. He wasn’t really up for waiting. Someone sent a dog toy and he sniffed it out of the pile of wrapped presents and couldn’t leave it alone. It didn’t even have food in it, but it clearly had something Dog assumed was for him. I had discouraged him from it last night but today he dug it out while we were away. Didn’t rip it open but did move things to get at it. So he’s got a new faux animal to murder, which he seems to like.

Went out to lunch today with Shanda, and got bits to prep for the week. It’s been difficult to get you on board with plans in general for this week and with colonoscopy plans in specific. But I think progress. I don’t need a ton from you but it would be nice to have your help with food and with feeling safe after the procedure. I’ve had real bad experiences with recovery and I’d like to build some compensating experiences to make it easier.

I could see before that our recent transitions ¹I do not understand transitions as a source of stress. I don’t really understand what makes them different than other times to even define them as transitions. But I can see they are hard for you, at least in part because they disrupt the Plan. Somehow there’s safety for you in the plan, even if the Plan doesn’t really do what you want. So … Continue reading were hard for you, when I left for WI and when I returned. I think it went better than many before, but there’s still lots of room for things to be different. I could see thst your broken toe is still hard on you, both in terms of pain and in the way you don’t want to accommodate it. It’s tough to be injured, and worse when you’re ashamed about it, so I can see why that has been challenging.

I didn’t understand until today that you’re also working on feels about “winter break”, from when you were 12. I can imagine lots of hard feels related to such breaks. For me it was a hard time to manage food for the Kids, and a long time to be stuck at home if Mother didn’t want you to leave. Also a cold time to be outside, and a time when fewer warm places were open to the public. We should talk more about your break feels, so they don’t have to be so overwhelming. And so you can stop resenting me having mandatory vacation these next 2 weeks.

Tried to advance the plot on the boots & tubes heist but met some resistance. Excuses for things a week out, backpedling on previous claims. So I’m going to make a move to force interaction and make passive escape more difficult. I’m going to show up with a bribe and see if I can just yell shoes and coats and make people move. It works more often than you’d think. I also need a plot to get better access on the other side of the 3/5th agreement, but I’m still looking for an in there.

Got a call today, which makes me smile as always. Heard lots of things that made me happy and proud, both in the recent past and in your coming plans. Found out you already had a plan I was hoping to be able to sell you – I’m so excited to work to make it happen, particularly after hearing it has been difficult in the past. We got to talk about the edges of some things that have been off limits, which always feels like a relief and safety to me. And I got to hear you just exist for a second, which is one of my favorite things.

Slept late today – after noon before I finally got out of bed for good – and accomplished all my goals for chores and prep and whatnot. But I had trouble eatting. Shanda wanted sloppy joes – you like the kind I make – but for me sloppy joes are trash food. They’re what I cook when we have a pound of meat and nothing else but condiments. Or what I did cook when I was 8. They taste like survival to me and I don’t want any. They smell like something I’m not going to eat any of until two days from now, when I’m sure the Kids don’t need it anymore. That’s why it’s so hard for me to make them for you, and so hard to like eating them.

Had good talks about how I can’t use the kitchen properly. My drive-by appliance use, where I can’t risk standing near my good while it’s cooking or processing because that would attract too much attention. The feeling I have every time I take cold food out, about how it’s not worth the risk to heat it. Not worth the dirty dish, not worth being caught using an appliance, not worth exposing myself in the kitchen, not worth letting anyone know my food preferences. It’s tough to live a life where you’re ashamed and afraid to be caught with human food in a human kitchen.

I still would like to knock out an SR or two this week. It would make my January go better. It would also be cool to get the recently burnt out stair lights restrung. That one I might be able to get C to help with, or at least sit nearby while I do it. I sort of expected C tonight but they never showed. I think we’re still on for tomorrow though.

I am often ashamed to have lived a life that made people be correctly afraid of me. To have been wretched enough for even children to be able to smell that I was not a safe person. When your life is bad enough it shows and people do not like it. I spent a lot of time learning to be invisible not just to hide from narc abuse, but to avoid seeing people be disgusted or afraid when they noticed me. My life is better since then and I am no longer so hard for people to see. But it’s still what my brain expects. It still means a lot to me when a 3-year-old imagines I’m safe enough to touch, because that has not always been true.

ZiB

— Sent from a phone.

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