Airlines, Attachment and Aloneness

2019-12-14 /

It’s been a while, and longer still at low rates. I still need a plan to deal with writing when I’m in an official busy state – the low rate version is probably okay but the none isn’t ideal. I use this to plan my life.

But I have some excuse. I’m in Wisconsin, traveled Thursday to get here, and wanted it to be a surprise until last night. I had travel bits to write but I didn’t want to be restricted so not talking about it was easier. Plus there’s the fleeing feels I have tied up in travel, which are hard enough to pick apart even when I’m not keeping secrets.

It’s the first time I’ve come to La Crosse 1I also toured my first neighborhood, the one where I lived on the porch. I was hoping to attach some geography to my memory. The porch has been redone since I lived there, so I didn’t get to see that, which is disappointing because I cannot recall the room with any clarity and there is no one I can ask. I also walked the path I took to school, … Continue reading for someone who is alive and lives nearby, at least in a very long time. I was back for a day to help Melissa get out of town, and I was back for a day for Caleb’s funeral, and I don’t even remember when I was here before that.

I came to WI to see DerbyK for a good but hard day. To try to get you to dial back the activity – or at least dial up the support – for a day that was bound to be full of feels. I came for a party, to help us extract the joy from a turbulent time. And in general to see you – I don’t think we’ve been in the same room since we became friends. It was exciting to surprise you, even if it was a day when you didn’t need more stimulation. It’s possibly the first time I’ve ever traveled for purely social reasons.

Picked at my travel feels. Here’s a thing my feels predict whenever I travel, even though I know better – that I’ll never be back. That I need to get my household and life into some condition that will never need me again – everything from trash to Dog to each of you. I don’t consciously think that I’m never returning, but my feels to yell that it’s important for you to be able to do this yourself, because I won’t be able to help you next year – something I know some of you understand. So I try to prepare my life so that you don’t need me anymore.

My brain knows that if I am not prepared to abandon everything my escape my not succeed. I can get away, but only if I choose to let literally nothing stop me. Not things or friends or even the Kids. They’re all points of vulnerability – they’re all burdens on my ability to flee – and so I have to let them go before I even consider going. I have to be ready to just run – I’ll prepare what I can but the list of things I’d actually stop for is very small. I can’t hesitate to take my chance when it comes, so I have to be prepared to take nothing with me.

So I spent a good part of the last week getting my life into order, in case I never come back. There is of course no sensible way to do such a thing. It’s not rational. Most of the time I wouldn’t even recognize what I’m doing. But I don’t start packing my suitcase until I’m ready to give up everything. And then I start putting things in a bag, in the hope that I can take some of it. I am already dead and this battle will let me earn back my life.

But I did get good things done. For one thing, I has a color [fig 1]. Bleached and toned and dyed myself – the first time I’ve done anything to my hair but cut it – and I think it came out pretty good. I haven’t worked out what happens next, but for now I have real short bright blue hair 2I have been wearing a 5′ Santa hat recently, because giant hats are fun, and because it’s a way to think about long hair. It’s exciting in general, but particularly for children, and now with the blue hair I can double down and take off my hat to become anime Santa. It’s a big hit with toddlers., and that’s pretty exciting. It was even sort of good when it was just bleached, but the blue is better. I particularly like how it turns my top fuzz into colored halo.

Lots of other things too, but for tonight only pictures. A roast sage and jalapeño chicken thigh with butter and croutons [fig 3], a lighted pendant [fig 4], and a tiny pour [fig 5]. [fig 6-7] is not mine, but it is new to me this week and I got to have all the feels about it. Probably different feels that it will give you, it that’s your problem.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

Stars for Later

Stars for Later
↑1 I also toured my first neighborhood, the one where I lived on the porch. I was hoping to attach some geography to my memory. The porch has been redone since I lived there, so I didn’t get to see that, which is disappointing because I cannot recall the room with any clarity and there is no one I can ask. I also walked the path I took to school, and had some Kindergarten feels. I still need to sit down and have the feels – I’ve been too tired today to make it go – but it’s on the list.
↑2 I have been wearing a 5′ Santa hat recently, because giant hats are fun, and because it’s a way to think about long hair. It’s exciting in general, but particularly for children, and now with the blue hair I can double down and take off my hat to become anime Santa. It’s a big hit with toddlers.