Propane Accessories
Did shopping today. For us and others. Got 9 gallons of propane, 3 dog toys, 4 acrylic inks, and a rounded red tumbler of dubious utility. Lots of other little bits and bobs too. It’s helping Shanda with holiday feels 1and with some art feels. Which is good because there are a lot of holiday feels already in your brain and more planned before the week is out.
Made progress on several art heists, in small but real ways. Physical mockups and plans for further construction, testing of materials and preparation of tools. I made progress on the @Vi heist too, though I don’t know yet how it’s an art heist. I feel like she’d appreciate a slow control system for the light strip. She’s the person I’m afraid won’t be impressed. I might be able to say something about pattern and how it becomes meaning when we assign it life; she might hear me if I can phrase it in terms of a microwave countdown.
I was thinking about the medical use of consciousness-altering drugs, like in surgery. That sort of loss of control is usually terrifying for me. When I come out of it I am afraid 2and not without reason – I have been abused in after care, but the actual losing control part doesn’t really scare. But I remember how it feels now. It feels like the times mother practiced killing me, when I was very young.
It feels like learning to let go not of my need for breath but of my desire to control when it comes, and trusting that it makes me the goodest boi. It feels like accepting the burn and the sick of the poison, and trusting that it will strengthen me into a being worthy of respect. So I’m actually not afriad of the physical loss of control, because I’ve practiced not being afraid. But I am afraid of being hurt after I come back, when I’m still vulnerable but no longer protected by memory loss or isolation.
So that’s a thing I should bear in mind, while I’m imagining medical care. It’s a thing I should bear in mind when I feel like I need to tolerate drugs instead of letting them affect me. And I can feel it on the edge of a sexual abuse story, though I don’t think they are the same story.
Watched The Good Place “The Answer”, which made Shanda cry about there being no answer. I really liked how the trash people can see that his story is sad, not persuasive. And how he can eventually see that there is no answer that will satisfy his anxiety. None that will allow him to stop making decisions. Not without being a terrible person. Do watch.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
