That is Not a Hair Question

Talked to @Yana today, about Paramore and color, about confidence and the way our pasts can sap it from us, about writing and art heists and the way we imagine inspiration. I’ve been reluctant to show my attention, because people often don’t like it when I believe the things they say out loud. But @Yana met me right there when I pointed at her feel, and didn’t seem to hate me for it all.

Did robots, though not until late because traffic was killer. Didn’t get a lot of work done personally, but did catch T so we could coordinate. Talked to S about the pineapple appearance at GeekGirlCon, which required sort of a lot of explanation about what a convention entailed. Have they really never seen a trade conference? Anyway, they seemed to like the idea of sending our team, though I’m not sure I convinced them it would be easy to get on the schedule. Spent most of the time hanging out being nerdy about Math, which was a nice change of pace.

Didn’t get a call but did get upgraded to noticing that I had called, which gives me hope. Didn’t make it to the office today but did talk to my boss instead of just ignoring it, which is good for me. Wrote an email that will get me in a small amount of trouble with the director of CorpOps, but I didn’t make them feel as bad as last time so it probably won’t get my boss fired. Framed a picture, wrote a postcard, assembled a desk toy, walked a dog, planned holiday heists. Poked Shanda to make you leak a little more about adoption feels.

Talked @BPS about hair and hate and hats. I’ve been thinking more about hair. I can imagine having it now, and liking it. I don’t know about the shape but it can have colors and attachments and those both sound great. But it’s still hard for me to imagine the space between here and there. @BPS had a similar problem, hating their hair as it grew out. But they did it and wore hats for a while and eventually felt better about it.

My life often hasn’t let me stop doing things I hate, so I’m reluctant to try a thing that is likely to make me hate my hair. It’s also right on the fleeing feels, because chopping my hair off 25 years ago was an early step in fleeing, and I’m always up for more fleeing. It doesn’t help that I have neglect-related hat feels, that make it hard to want a head cover – I own a bag full of hats but can’t wear them for reasons like warmth or fashion.

It was useful to watch @BPS recover, and to see myself not very worried at their intial dismay over intermediate hair. It has convinced me that my next barrier is deciding to do it most days, particularly when it starts to trigger feels about hair pulling and lice and access to hygiene. But I might work on hats for a minute, because that would give me more tools, assuming my hat feels aren’t also 12 layers deep.

Talked at @BPS about the personal essay from the perspective of people without a past ¹https://youtu.be/sBeyesnA6Fo. It’s a problem we share, for different reasons. Yesterday ²https://youtu.be/GOMO_qYbahU I tried to offer reassurance about letting go, but that’s only ever marginally effective. It’s hard to learn to let go in the way @BPS sometimes needs to, to be trapped and unoccupied and unable to control your body or your future and still not panicked.

It’s hard to do even when the circumstances are much more tolerable. Some of you haven’t had more than a few breaths in the past couple of years at least. Some of you hold your breath all week most weeks. I am not immune myself ³But I have spent the past decade trying pretty hard to increase the number of spaces in my life for breathing, and it has made a huge difference.. I can help you, if you let me. You already know that I can make it easier for you to let go – it’s one of the things you like about me. I know my experience is not yours, and I cannot bear your pain for you, but I can help you feel it and eventually step past it.

You should watch their video about giving up control. It can help you. And if you have time you should watch their video about the personal essay, because it will help me.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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