Pre-Melted Non-Dairy Cheese-Flavored Food

Did HA4H today. I started out thinking I’d do day job while it happened, but I ended up disfracted with art planning, which I suppose is the point. We talked about what makes food New York-food, including the possible influence of water and microorganisms. Vi proposed that no true Scotsman judges a pizza by its toppings. BPS retorted that they can have whatever toppings they want because they are old. I silently judge them both because my pizza snobbery and WI origins let me know that cheese defines a pizza. We talked about saying no. We talked about nesting with plants and with dogs. I ranted about names and the absence of dreams. There was discussion of the virtues of aresol paint. And everyone ended up hungry. 

M is melting a little. I think you’ll do fine. I think it will be hard even though you do fine. I still think it would change how you feel to have a few minutes of direct attention. Without it the only parts that leak to me are your whole identity reduced to the most recent source of stress. Sometimes I can read a lot from that, but my magic grows weaker with time and distance. There’s been a lot going on – life is a lot, particularly in your neighborhood – and I can see that some of it got stored up instead of let out. Like many humans you don’t have time for letting out feels when you’re busy, and having feels pent up makes it easy to keep busy almost forever. I hope you can make time to feel different in the near future, so you don’t spend too long stuck here.

Spent a long time arguing with my laptop about whether or not deleting things makes more space available. The answer is yes, but lappy gets to make demands about when you get it back. Did some day job about embargoes and release notes, though mostly not until after hours. I did make the noon meeting. And had real food by like 6 PM. So a medium day in terms of accomplishing personhood.

I prompted my therapist this week about better interactions. It was not very effective. They did somewhat better paying attention to things I claimed to already know, but not great at using that information, even with prompts and pre-reading. And I’m no closer on trust about fairly fundamental target. So I’m still not satisfied with the situation. I feel like I can’t have help because my pain will be seen as evidence that I’m mismanaging myself. Evidence that I should want something else. The help I want is in make my desire less painful to obtain. I don’t need to resolve my mixed feels, I need a story that lets me not hate getting what I want.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.