Rain Falls from Past to Present

I know that I can, with research and practice, induce a wide range of feelings into people who will hear me. I am confident in my proficiency, and expect that with time I can work at the words and deeds to find the ones you need. It’s why I write to you specifically, and not just to the void. Because I think I can sometimes hijack your brain and induce specific feels.

Sometimes this feels like a resounding relief to you. You feel seen and connected and in control. Sometimes you feel loved when I name a feeling you don’t have the words for.

Sometimes this feels like an attack on your value, an accusation that you are a disappointment, and proof of my villainy. You feel attacked and defensive and afraid. Sometimes you feel hurt when I name a feeling you don’t have words for.

Sometimes this feels like an attack on your identity, a demand that you must comply, a signal that your seperate feelings won’t be considered valid (and proof of my villainy). You feel attacked and resentful and angry. Sometimes you feel oppressed when I name a feeling you don’t have words for.

Even if I guess which reaction will occur, it’s still really hard to protect myself from being accused of causing the hurt or the oppression that you are triggered to. And that hurts. Not a lot, individually, but it adds up. Eventually it makes whole topics and feelings forever off-limits, with no reliable hope that list will ever get smaller.

I’d also love to be able to use this skill to talk about my feels, but somehow I can’t generate reactions (or can’t comprehend them). I can literally attach shiny, waggly 2″ flags to my god dammed eyelids and have lots of people pretend not to notice when they first see me. Or somehow they read it as about themselves, even though I’m clearly not talking about you ¹You would know if I was talking about you. I’d use the word “you”..

That’s my reaction to therapy today. Life sucks and we’re all dying. The hard part is supposed to be sharing the feels. That’s what people tell me. But the hard part is getting people to see the thing they already know but will not think about. And I still don’t know how to do that without hurting myself. Or how to ignore it without ending up alone.

It doesn’t help that even when you say you like it, and even when you point out that I learned this the hard way, I’m still ashamed of it. Ashamed that you noticed me doing it. Ashamed that I liked doing it. Ashamed that I liked getting a response.

I’m not dying or anything, but I am having a lot of day. And Shanda has a lot of her own. I did get a light setup today, which is a thing that’s been hard for me in recent years. I thought about rain in a prompt from @Yana, and decided to do an oppression read on Truman Show after J talked about it. And I made the noon meeting.

You should talk to me before you leave. I know there are 200 reasons you can’t, but I think you would remember liking it, if you did it.

*[Free-floating footnote, from original construction] ²This is almost never true. I usually do think about you specifically when I write to “you”. And I send you different messages with the same words.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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