Pain-o Lessons

Exhausted today. Skipped most of the day job and slept late and was still too tired for robots. Went anyway though, since we’re competing this weekend. In many ways our robots looks good – it’s packed very small and cleanly – but it’s still a ways from working. Cleaned up the software framework a bit to get it ready for the usual last-moment coding. We’ll see what comes together on Friday.

Had sort of a rough night with Dog. I couldn’t make him stop barking at me after I ate. We went walking and had food toys and offered attention but he wasn’t having any of it. I was going to give him some alone time but things got complicated when Shanda got home. You still can’t help me with Dog. Often can’t even let me deal with him when you have decided that he is upset. I know he reminds you of your childhood trauma – of neglect and loneliness – but that’s not what’s happening to Dog. I know it’s hard for you to work through, but it has to change. There as to be space between your feels and Dog’s, and between the present and your traumatic past.

Just like any toddler Dog sometimes needs to shout and play in another room, without our ongoing direct attention. He only sometimes knows what he wants and often wants things that are bad for him. It isn’t a punishment to be away from us for a while. It doesn’t hurt him. It’s not neglect. It doesn’t have to make him afriad or lonely. He lays around alone most of the day and ignores us. We give him lots of attention, including checking on him when he calls from another room. He is fine being alone for 40 minutes while we do something that bores him. And often he’s less agitated if he gets to do his own things while we’re boring.

You need to be okay with it too, both to let him be okay with it, and to let us actually have space from him. We at least have to be able to talk about it, instead of going instantly to defensive when I bring it up. I can help you let go of those old feels about abandonment, but you have to decide its what you want to do. I promise it will get eaiser with some practice. And once you feel better about it I can help you make Dog feel better about it to. I know lots about training people to be okay without me. It’s the way I imagine I’m most useful in life. Let me do it in a way that’s good instead of a way that’s about fleeing.

Didn’t get a call today, but I also wasn’t home until pretty late, which I’m sure didn’t help. Did get a video of L that was lots of fun. It reassured me that Halloween plans mostly came through, and reminded me of helping the Kids learn piano ¹Which in turn reminds me of the way I’ve never been able to allow myself to get good at it. Like sewing I know it’s not for me, so even if I help other people with it I can’t do it for myself. I’ve owned keyboards almost continuously since I left Wisconsin and at times I’ve used them quite a bit – plenty to be proficient in basic … Continue reading. We teach very young people to play but we don’t make instruments that fit them. Different key sizes would be slightly complicated (though not a lot in electronic instruments) but pedal placement is arbitrary even on concert instruments, and almost none of them are adjustable at all. Cars have adjustable interfaces but not pianos. Why would we want accessibility in one of the most common musical instruments when we could have a tradition invented by billionaires in the 1500s?

Tomorrow I’m going to try to do the early meeting, 2 SRs, and then ditch the day job. I want to run out for a haircut and some weed and maybe dragon stays if I get an estimate for their size in time. My goal is to be home and done – including a Dog walk – well before supper. I could really use an early evening, and some time for this week’s small chores before I’m stuck back in the business. Melissa is supposed to come by tomorrow ²Someday we need to be able to talk about Melissa again too. It’s okay that you needed time away. It’s okay to set strong boundaries about her. But you and I have to be able to talk about her – our boundary can’t be “never mention it”. Avoidance is part of the reason you feel so bad about her, so we have to get past the avoidance so you … Continue readingto get the last of her shit. I don’t know how likely that is but it would be great to get rid of it if we can.

Today was hard, but I did eat two real meals, told my boss I wasn’t working, accomplished the robots work I had planned, tried a call, walked Dog, and even dealt with Melissa without feeling too bad. Yesterday I did a ton of chores and decent writing and mostly avoided anxiety. I need a few days off from tight schedules – I have some planned a week from Thursday – but I feel like I’ve been doing okay managing to my capability and telling people about it and prioritizing personal things I need and feeling okay with all of that. Which is not always how busy weeks go.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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