Hold Time

The Internet was down yesterday, while they physical installed new cables on my block. So many lift trucks. They haven’t announced better service yet but I’m hoping when they get done with the installs there will be fibre. Just in time for me to move.

Failed a disk enclosure today. Technically I’ve got the redundancy to stay online with 1/3 of my disks down, but I’m too afraid to let it run with no redundancy. It just needs a new power supply, which I hope to have tonight; 16 wires to solder but should only take 30 minutes once I get the hardware. If that doesn’t get done I’ll swap the disks into the other enclosures and fire it back up, but for today I’m just letting it be down instead of moving everything (and straining the power supplies in the other enclosures).

Got through a Medicaid call. Somehow it’s both due for renewal in November, canceled immediately if you miss the deadline, but also not eligible for online renewal until February. So I called. It only took about 90 minutes to get through to a person, which is pretty fast for Ohio. They saw my mismatched dates issue but didn’t fix it; hopefully that doesn’t bite us later. They did assure me several times that the renewal was done, and that they didn’t need any more paperwork, but I’ve heard that nonsense before — nothing is done until they’ve mailed you a letter saying it’s done. We need M4A not because it’s a great plan but just to get fraking rich white people onto this system so it stops being a target to punish the poor. After the main call I listened to a 29 minute (not kidding — 29 minutes) disclaimer about all the ways the state would take away my benefits if I bought groceries as a store that also sells pornography, or if I quit or refuse to accept a job that pays 30 hours/week * 80% of minimum wage, or if the person I provide care for isn’t related to me by one of the approved legal relationships (which vary based on my and their age and the kind of care required). I must report changes within 10 days and must do so by calling, waiting on hold for 2 hours during the business day, and then arguing with a poor social worker who is required by law to hate me — and that’s the short process after I’ve already faxed all the paperwork they need. Failure to do so not only makes me ineligible for 6 month to 3 years, but also might require me to repay benefits — not as dischargeable debt but as IRS seizures. This system is designed to punish poor people, to let the rich live out fantasies about why they are superior to the poors, and to funnel money into HMOs. HMOs that are entitled to collect your federal benefits even if those benefits exceed your claims. Because corruption, paid for with oppression, literally costing people their lives, after they’ve already given their time and energy and dignity and hope. Fuck the patriarchy.

Scheduled myself an appointment with a trauma-informed physician. I’m still pretty down on the concept of institutional medical care, for both real reasons and the false ones my brain believes, but I am trying to have hope. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll have a story about an interaction with a physician that I didn’t hate. For now I’m just trying to imagine that physicians exist who are prepared to deal with all the bullshit that has been piled up between me and adequate care. The medical neglect and abuse, the psychosomatic illness, the shitty physicians, the deference to parental authority, the false claim to provide relief against social harms, etc. We were all told that physicians would help us, even with private things. My experience — and some of yours too — is that private things are likely be shared with abusers and used to justify punishment. I’m no longer worried about secrets or punishment (other than from the state) but it’s still pretty hard for me believe that a physician will be useful to me. Maybe if I already know what I need I can manipulate them into giving me what I want, but I definitely can’t trust them to even not hurt me, let alone to help.

Fought with a website about password security, made a payment that required talking to a live human in 2 different calls, made plans about getting my daily life back together after 2 weeks being sick. Got some pictures of a pencil box that were really special, made rectangular hamburgers to fit our rectangular buns, applied for reimbursement for some of the robot stuff, got a package together, chatted with V after a long while away. Tonight I’d like to try some dragon makeup after therapy, and maybe a call if I can connect. Thursday I’m doing a late game and trying to get part of the band back together, if our health holds out. Friday I’m gonna try like hell to get to robots. It’s been a weird week, and plenty busy.

ZiB