Favorite Flavors
Mostly slept today, after Shanda and I both slept terribly last night. Skipped my morning meeting but felt okay about it. Shanda was having a hard time being busy instead of having feels, but by 3 PM or so we made progress on that front, and got some of those old feels pointed away from me. Worked through a Screed over the course of the day and got through shopping and dishes and other small backlogs.
You talked about being 9 and not being allowed to have preferences or feels. About not feeling like you’re allowed to be a seperate person. About clothes in particular, but about identity in general. Sometimes you think I can help with that and sometimes you feel like it is my fault. Sometimes you like it when I pick exciting new things for you, and sometimes you hate me suggesting things you might like.
It can be hard sometimes, when people feel like I overrun them, even when I’m already standing down the hall and around the corner. People who have been engulfed or enmeshed or in other bits of codependency like the way I can keep myself very seperate from them. But that rarely provides me protection from their trained and triggered responses. When things are tough I’m still too close, because there’s no amount of distance that would make you feel safe. And when things are better you can’t remember or imagine ever feeling distant.
I understand why you have mixed feels. You certainly have the bad experiences to back it up. It would be great to move toward a life where you can see all those feels at the same time, instead of jumping from one to another, or assigning some to me. A life where you can talk to me instead of fearing that I’ll become your mother or your ex or whoever else couldn’t respect your seperate existence. Where you can imagine that my love and help is available without giving up yourself. Where you can imagine that I want to help you define yourself, distinctly from me.
Heard a snipet from M. Things sound complicated. I’m angry about how you’ve been treated – are still being treated – by the organization. I’m glad you have the support of friends to mitigate some of those harms, and maybe reassure you that you’re right to feel mistreated. I’m proud of you for not rushing past something hard. I’m worried that you’re stuck in mixed feels to scary or overwhelming to face. I hope you’ve been able to start making plans again, even though it’s easy to focused on the one thing. Keep plugging away. I’ll keep looking for ways to help you stay pointed at resolution and relief.
Finished Veronica Mars today. It continues to feel on-topic right through the end. Shanda was a little sad about the ending, but I thought it was exactly true to VM. Today is still not the day to write about it though. Maybe I can find those words tomorrow before therapy.
No idea what I’m doing in therapy yet. Complaining about being dismissed about medical care, but that will only take a moment. Maybe training my therapist to have a better model of the costs I see so they spend less time poking at problems I’m not having. I always feel terrible about training people to take care of me – I know that real boys don’t have to do this. I know that if what I needed was reasonable it wouldn’t be so hard to get. I know that it’s my job to be in charge of my own care at all times, and expecting anyone else to participate is an unreasonable burden and unethical manipulation. Not to mention I’m terrible at training people, or at least I feel that way when I have to do it while I’m already in distress. Or maybe just how I feel after a couple decades of being told I’m asking for too much. Whatever the case it now feels like a dangerous but necessary chore, and a barrier to me having any help – even my own – when things get real hard.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
