AP HJ

2019-09-09 /

I’ll have good things to say about Booksmart (2019) when I get to writing. And about the play. Today was too hard for writing though – a hard day for Shanda and lots of energy devoted to making it less bad. But we watched a movie together and it worked correctly. And I found this, which applied pretty precisely 1The play last night pushed some buttons too, when it screamed about practicing the reality of close relationships, and about the ways we know we will sometimes fail. . I suspect you might find it applicable too, as you try to repeatedly imagine your new self: https://youtu.be/h2e4UKTo9y4

Got all our chores done today. I’ve got packages and cards to mail. The laundry is done. We cleaned out the freezers and agreed to do less food hoarding. We did meal planning. We planned a very busy week for Shanda and hopefully a lighter one for me. We talked about her dates this week, finding a new place to live, and we made progress both planning and practical on the studio. I got good news about dragons and engineered the failure I need for phase two of a cosmetics commitment scam. Ordered a frame, found good dresses, used my new beard trimmer, dealt with the trash. And still had time for a movie and a walk and other good times. And time for many of the old crusty toothpaste feels.

On Monday my job is to be on a boat with my coworkers all day. There is drinking, which will help. And I’ve decided it might give me time to write. I’m still a little twitchy about it though, in no small part because I’ve got a survival fear about being trapped on a boat and not being able to leave without great personal expense. I’m afraid of not being able to flee. Survival afraid. I also realized I don’t ever feel like I can set down my outerwear if I take it off, sometimes not even at home. If I need to flee I might not have time to stop for my jacket. I might need to leave right now and abandon everything I’m not already carrying. At least for a while, and maybe forever, on no notice.

Shanda tells me the weather will be cool and rainy tomorrow, and suggested I plan clothes based on the weather. Even beyond the fleeing feels I can’t bring myself to make weather-related plans because that would require me to imagine that it’s safe to react to the weather. But if it does rain that will be the second time this week. It has already made my moss green again, and the air damp, and the sky grey. Seattle 2I moved here where I don’t need a coat to survive most nights, so I could be less afraid about needing a coat to survive. It seemed easier to go someplace the weather wasn’t trying to kill me than to imagine I could expect reliable access to indoors. is finally becoming a place I like physically existing again.

There are lots of things I haven’t written. Being sick didn’t help. But I should try to make to go over the next couple of days.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

Stars for Later

Stars for Later
↑1 The play last night pushed some buttons too, when it screamed about practicing the reality of close relationships, and about the ways we know we will sometimes fail.
↑2 I moved here where I don’t need a coat to survive most nights, so I could be less afraid about needing a coat to survive. It seemed easier to go someplace the weather wasn’t trying to kill me than to imagine I could expect reliable access to indoors.