Hi, Zombie
Took good advantage of the long weekend and spent all day laying low. Watched some iZombie, which in addition to being funny and puney is full of oppression. It was before too, but it’s been a while since I watched, and oppression has been on my mind lately. Plus there’s a dance episode and Ferris episode and wig disguises and codependent brain switching. It’s a good time. You should have some.
Made some improvised sticky rolls with cherries, ate leftovers, felt good about getting chores done on Saturday so we didn’t have to work. Dealt with more feels about the pain and anxiety of being 10. Shopped for things we had been avoiding like long socks and beard tools and hip bags – it’s hard when your brain tells you you’re wrong for wanting or thinking about a thing. But it’s also good that Shanda can finally agree with me about some of the hard past we both lived, and the way it still bends and twists our lives. It’s good to have it stop being so seperate, even if that’s still the default reaction.
Got meal planning done, continued the work to get Shanda’s clothes under control, got through all the regular laundry. Thought more about our next house, about home automation projects, and about possibly owning a bike* to help with errands and transportation and high-speed Dog maneuvers. Ordered a place for Dog to splash and imagined how I could put a computer in charge of protecting me from West Nile.
Thought for a minute about the way @BPS is worried that leaving means that things might be blinked out of existence, and the way they’re trying to challenge that in their works (both ADs and otherwise). Thought for a minute about the way Shanda is worried that relationships might disappear if she ever looks away. I’m not afriad things will be different after a moment away because I’m prepared for everything to be gone at any time; if it’s not attached to my person I’m ready for it to be gone forever. That’s the oppression feels, making me “strong” by making me “prepared” for loss. And in the process making me immune to security and comfort. I can understand your fears about leaving. I’m an expert at loss. But probably we should all try a version where we’re a little better at holding on.
Poked at L feels again, even though I know they’re hard. But I don’t know any way to make things work like (I think) is wanted without some prodding. Having the feels will be hard but saving them for later is no picnic either, and definitely not without cost. I wish I knew an eaiser way but all I can offer is that it doesn’t have to be alone. Not for her or you.
Talked about how only some of these are for writing and some of them are just to make sure I know what’s happening in my life. Consistency not in doing the same work every day but in doing the work I can every day, keeping my shit together for the days when I have the space for cooler things. Like all the other parts of my life – not waiting for the right moment but making moments and using them when I can.
ZiB
*Recumbent tricycle. I’m a crazy old man and I need sitting and hauling capacity. And something I can’t fall down from.
—
Sent from a phone.
