Habitable Homestead

I think I want the old office to be a studio space. Someplace where Shanda and I can leave things we’re working on out between sessions. And someplace our tools and supplies can live without being so tightly packed away – where there’s no intermediate unpacking step required before it’s possible to work. The room has been really dead since Shanda moved upstairs ¹I moved upstairs years earlier to deal with the way my presence can make her resentful when she’s stressed at work, but that’s another story.. And the whole space had been sort of an avoidance trap for both of us. Shanda has been afraid to clean her old space, and I’m annoyed with my decrepit but still necessary computer and all the abandoned projects in the closet.

But we got it cleaned up recently and I’d like to use it. To pick up some of those old projects, move in some new ones, and trash everything else. Long ago it was an electronics and computer workspace but that hasn’t been true for a long time, and is only occasionally a thing I need. Now I think it could do art and electronics and makeup. It could be big enough for both of us and it already has lots of table space. It has a medium amount of storage space, if I can be bothered to clear out some of the old computer bits, and/or buy some furniture. It would also be great to be able to makeup together (and to have a chair). I’m not sure my next home will have as much space for such things, so I should use this one while I’ve got it. Should figure out what I need from it and what I could multi-task in it.

I still can’t seem to find a happy medium between being able to carry everything I own on my person and collecting all of the things. It doesn’t help that Shanda goes all hoarder about anything that ever got within 6 feet of her feels, from clothes to junk mail, to that giant chest of bad memories you keep. But it’s me too. I want to hoard food (though that doesn’t take a lot of space). And I’ve been carefully curating a supply of mostly useless and uncoordinated computer bits and household tools since I lived in a dorm room; it’s size-regulated but I haven’t been super selective since last time I moved because I’ve had lots of space.

That and the media; I’ve been giving serious thought to either giving it up completely, or at least getting it to a Colo and off my power bill and uplink. I like my media hoarding – it’s the only thing I’ve ever collected that I actually like ²When I was young I had a collection of pins and buttons. I didn’t get to keep it near me or look at it or use it, but Mother let me keep a bag of them in the house and add things to it occasionally. I remember thinking I had sooo many pins and that many of them were fun. I even got to sneak a couple of non-pin things into the bag if they were … Continue reading. But it’s maybe more trouble than it’s worth, particularly as I watch the ancient machines it runs on slowly die. It’s definitely something I want to balance against bits I’ll use more often.

I’m a little afraid that if I go full purge it will trigger me to flee, or at least make fleeing feel easier when I’m otherwise motivated. In some ways having boxes full of optical media and a 40 year old Skill saw make it harder to run away. And when I’m sitting in a subway station trying to convince my brain to get back on to a train that will let me catch a flight home, anything that might tip the balance to staying seems valuable. But I don’t want to be anchored, I want to feel safe enough that fleeing isn’t attractive. I don’t want to look at my pile of computer bits and wonder where my life will go in 8 years when my last USB hub goes away to college. I want to have the freedom to move and the security to not run away.

So mixed feels all around. In some ways having nothing is easy and attractive, but it’s also full of the fear of my past, and of myself. I want more space for activities but also less space for anxiety. I want a space I can leave messy but also the freedom to clean it up without significant social negotiation. And I want to figure out what my next home looks like so I can get to building parts of it here instead of being frustrated with making improvements to a place I’m leaving.

I’ve been poking some of you about your spaces – creative space in particular – and your feels about them and what you want next. You shouldn’t read this as evidence of projection; we both should be thinking about what we want and how to get it. I wish it was a thing we could talk about, instead of negotiating seperately at the same time. But like so many other things it gets within shouting distance of a feel and becomes to slippery or anxious to hold your engagement. You don’t have to share my desires or goals or choices, but I’d sure like your perspective on what you value, what you want for yourself in the future, and what you think I might like ³This is a generally true statement. I want your opinion and perspective on lots of things. On things that are only about me, on things we both do separately, on things we share. I try real hard to throw out topics and feels that might give you a place to jump in, but thus far none of them have been sufficient. I don’t know what it is I do that … Continue reading.

Talked to M just a little. I’m told there are good times and hard times and progress and dread. I’d love to know more about the way those balance, or to get any feedback about other recent topics, but my brain tells me to be ashamed to ask, or even to want to know. And I think yours tells you that anyone knowing would be dangerous or burdensome. I could really go for that thing where some bit of safe-enough sharing happens often enough to become routine. Where the lack of it is something I’m allowed to worry about, instead of something I do worry about but am not allowed to admit or discuss. Where we can look to see the direction of change in our interactions, even if we are still close to the start. I know there are a million reasons you can’t, why your priority is elsewhere, why a day becomes a week becomes a month. But it’s hard not to want. I like to imagine I could make some things in your life easier, to earn back some of the attention I hope for, that I could be worth the time and effort. But I don’t really know if that’s true.

DerbyK had some exciting news that makes me proud. I’ve been working on being proud for more than a year now. Traditionally that word has sounded like a trap to me – it’s a thing people say as part of manipulating you. It’s an indication of possessive thinking that’s dangerous at best and abusive at worst. It’s never a thing I would do to another person – tell them about my pride for them – because I wouldn’t want to hurt them like that. I know that’s not accurate but it’s the lie I have believed. I am proud of you though. And of all the people I care about. I’m doing better with the idea I should share it, though directed at me it still feels like panic. Like any other praise is feels like the first step of a plan intended to hurt me.

I’ve been really happy with my UV cured nails. They’re in great shape a week out, with only minor peeling up from the back [fig 2] on one of them. So I’ve ordered some supplies to at home, along with some prefab soaking wraps to get it back off. Nails are another good thing to do in the studio, and a thing I might find easier to accomplish if I could sit near people while it happened. I like it a lot but it’s on the list of things I’m afriad to get good at lest I be required to be responsible for it and unable to stop. Like the robots team or sewing or even my day job. I need to stop looking for the perception of incompetence to protect me from being trapped in my own life. It’s not even a very good lie, and it makes me hate learning certain things, which is a real drag.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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