Glittering Glamorous Gams
I spent all day today at home with Shanda. It was good. I helped her do all the best crying and calming. She helped me practice stillness. Together we achieved fence – inspection and repair and decontamination – and Dog is now rated for untethered flights in the back yard. It’s been on the list for a year and finally got done.
We talked for a minute about keeping control of your attention so you can know and get what you want. And we poked at the feeling where new ideas mean stress and failure to you – feel like a demand for commitment to a thing you don’t want to do forever. But they’re just ideas, and you can consider them without being stuck in them and without giving up control. Making changes is exerting control, and being frozen in the status quo – not just in action, but in thought – is one of the worst forms of being trapped. Without the freedom to make changes to improve your life things are pretty bleek.
Didn’t get to talk to M. Haven’t much for more than a week. You assured me that today was a good day though, so I hope you can tell me about it soon. I’m really glad you at least popped up to say you were busy with something you liked. I’m excited that school is going again soon. It will be good to get back to a routine. I hope we can find ways to keep it from being quite as stressful as last time.
Back to work tomorrow. Finally off the queue, after two weeks on. I’m doing okay on backlog but still not excited to do work. I poked a recruiter on Friday and have to set up a meet with them (and update my resume, which was on the list for this weekend but was boxed out when Shanda and I didn’t have enough time together). And I think I’ve still got a rug cleaner on my call list. But nothing big planned so far; a slow week would be welcome. Might give me time to get my glasses in and have the right lenses installed.
Ate okay today. Better than the all pizza diet of yesterday but still not great. Had a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, some pizza later, and fried chicken bits at night. Tomorrow I think we’ll be back to real food. I’d love to talk to you about food, since I know it’s hard for you to do even when things are good (and sometimes impossible when things are bad). But that sort of sharing overwhelms you – the kind where people know and care about what’s happening day to day – so we don’t get to do it. Someday maybe we’ll find the thing that’s safe enough for you to invest in, and then practice doing it until it feels easier. You own a colorful pocket reference for a relevant procedure, if you want to try but are finding it difficult to get started. I know adding a new thing seems overwhelming, but the goal is to help it take up less of your anxiety mind space for a thing you are doing anyway. And it will give you an option to get attention and praise and support and reassurance for a thing you have already decided you want to do.
Talked to C last Thursday. They’re disappointed with their test scores and their lineage story. Passed their classes but with rough exams (against perfect homework, so shitty exams). Got testing that told them they were further removed than they thought about a piece of heritage that felt safe to them. But I think it mostly taking it okay. We talked about transient lifestyles and the oppression of authority and how much it can cost to buy your way out of violence. About adoption and the perception of physical safety and shitty health insurance.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
