Day 1.5: The Happenstance

My life is hard right now so I am going to write a bunch of these. Possibly every time I need to calm down. Hopefully not many as chaotic and hopeless as last night’s, but no promises.

I appreciate your support if you have any to spare, even if merely in being a wall to shout against, but feel free to unsubscribe if this feels like too much to you. I can never tell because I always feel like I’m a burden, hence these low-self-regard disclaimers.

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Eventually I calmed down and got settled into the house. Didn’t even have trouble being restful for sleep, though I did have some trouble actually staying asleep. But today I’m mostly better. Less dying at least. I’m no longer afraid to be here, or feeling like there’s nothing in my life but pain and emptiness. Fucking flashbacks.

M’s mother and mother’s mother came to the house today. I’m not super stoked about it but it’s the best way to coordinate and have influence and stay up-to-date. Since my day is mostly waiting, having other people around is not the worst. It’s certainly easier to buy food and cook and sleep at normal times with other people in the house — I made them food today even though I’d never be able to do it for myself. And filling the time even with inane conversation is often better than not filling the time, or trying to stay focused on 2nd-rate TV.

Mother is attempting to be useful; not entirely succeeding but at least working toward some goals that M actually shares. It’s not ideal but it’s not as bad as I feared either, at least not in the technical sense. That could just be because M is being externally threatened but motives don’t matter, at least not in the short term. I don’t know yet how it’s affecting M socially.

Mother’s mother is less useful, at least from my perspective. She’s not terribly sympathetic about the idea of anxiety in specific or mental illness in general. Even superficial discussions easily veer toward “I’m more godly and you aren’t and that’s why you have trouble and I don’t” if it gets anywhere near her. Even though she’s super anxious, at least today. And the dynamic between the mothers is itself sort of a problem, to the surprise of no-one.

M has gotten, as you might expect in such circumstances, a less than accurate diagnosis. Which mother agrees is wrong, but it’s tricky to talk about a diagnosis that includes trauma when the source of it is right here. For the next couple of days it’s probably not a big deal — it’s not like you’re getting individualized care anyway: SSRIs and group time for everybody. But it’s a ridiculous standard of care — it’s not just inefficient or ineffective, it’s downright harmful. The only way you might avoid that harm is by the happenstance of having people who know better in a position to help. It sure makes me want to get you out of there and into something better ASAP. But I’ll have to talk to you directly about that because I don’t fully trust mother’s planning, and I don’t know how you’re doing.

I feel like I’m still missing something in the school’s involvement here. I genuinely don’t understand the basis for or purpose of their decisions, and baring any sensible reason all I can come up with are illegal reasons. Presumably that’s not happening in an organization with staff lawyers and official policies, but who knows. That’s a problem for after you’re back though, so I’m gonna try not to worry about it until then. Well, I’m gonna do some research to establish a likely position and next steps, and then not worry about it.

I did get to talk to M for a minute today. Like literally 1 minute. But even that was a great relief. And I should get to see you in person later today, even if only for a few minutes more. Hopefully soon I can make you a taco.

I’ve been thinking about how I might construct a mutual treatment challenge go for you and me, M. I’m thinking maybe there’s a version of this where keeping rough pace with each other makes it easier to adopt the perspective of providing care instead of receiving it, which I know is problem for both of us. I’m not sure about the logistics, but I am finally feeling motivated to make it go — I have a better understanding of how it might help me with the things I currently manage mostly via avoidance. And about how it might help me recover when things are going poorly. I know you’re not in exactly that same place, but I suspect you’ve got plenty of relevant motivations right now that you could shout at me when I’m not keeping up.

ZiB