21% ABV

I did actual work today, for like several hours at least. Which is good for keeping my job, and an okay distraction from the household, but not a particularly fulfilling day. Still it’s nice to be done for the week, and I’ve taken Monday off — to facilitate moving myself and getting everyone else out of the house — so I’ll be able to ignore it entirely for a few days, and that always feels nice.

Hung out with nerdy college students tonight, as they were kind enough to not shame me into leaving. It was one of the better times at the house this week. Actual talking, reasonably high levels of respect, very limited food-related anxiety. And they reminded me about the social aspect of dating apps — the bit where you interact with people you already know about people you don’t — which is something I should do. It has been fun to do with Shanda and I should do it myself too. I will need some pictures though. For all sorts of reasons I don’t have any of myself, and that’s like the 2nd step of many platforms. Also I have to find one that doesn’t make poly a weird side quest; I get that monogamy is the overwhelmingly common assumption, but it doesn’t feel like a lot of work to make it checkbox just like smoking or drinking. Presumably there are some that don’t assume cis-binary-monogomy, though none of them seem to market that fact. All of the assumptions about how people ought to interact in romantic relationships feel like capitalism giving patriarchy a reach around and calling it love.

Was supposed to see an apartment today but that was reschedule for Monday. I’ve got a showing tomorrow but the landlord can’t quite nail down a time for that even after taking ~30 hours in which he said that would happen, and needs to call me back tomorrow morning to schedule a time for later tomorrow morning. I forgot what a pain it is to look for residential real estate, particularly if you’re in a hurry. I still haven’t figured out how to make the money go though, so another day or two isn’t the worst for me. I should make plans for a few more days in a short-term rental though, so Monday isn’t any more of a clusterfuck than it already will be. And for the transportation and storage of goods.

I told the robot team I wasn’t coming back for a while. Which was sad for me both to think and to do. Several of them did interact with me during the meeting though, which was nice even if limited. I feel like a dick for stepping out on them in the middle of the season, but that’s how emergencies work. And I wouldn’t be the person I wanted to be if I let the obligations that other people can handle without me keep me from the things where I can have the most impact. In a world that makes it hard to help people and easy to say you can’t, I want to be someone who can and who does. I already am, I just don’t now how to integrate it into my identity yet. While it’s been very stressful to be here for a lot of reasons it has also been really great for me in many ways, and I expect the balance of those to improve rather than degrade as time goes on.

Talked to DerbyK today about the healing power of kink and the balance of anxiety and desire. About how you like the things that scare you, and about how I’m the Taliesin of many people’s journey to discovering that fact. About how power comes not only from the option to choose specific actions, but also from the the ability to choose between delegation and direction. And about the dynamics of dating apps and their limited suitability for both our goals, even though we are looking for very different things.

Reached out to BC yesterday. I don’t know if I’ll hear anything back; I rarely do. But I think it was a solid effort, and well worth making. It’s something that might have been easier to monitor if I were in town, but also might feel safer to them while I’m not. I wouldn’t have known how to do it if I weren’t here, so it’s worth the trade even if I have to spend more time on the wrong side of the sunglasses.

The household is still a codependency mess with high stress and low respect. I don’t have anything much new to say about it, just more silent screaming. It’s hard enough to deal with on my own behalf — to spend the whole day trying to be invisible and silent so as not to provoke the kraken, while still accomplishing a demanding schedule of tasks and dealing with my own emotions. And then I watch people piss on M and it’s all I can do not to scream at them. But only until Monday. And I plan to have all my and M’s stuff packed by Sunday, so hopefully on Monday I can alternate between being gone (apartment viewing) and managing other people’s panic about their own plan, without having to do much for myself.

I think my plan for housing next week is another vacation rental. For less than the price of a decent hotel room I can have a 2 bedroom with a kitchen, and then I won’t have to worry about the speed of the apartment hunt (or getting furniture or whatever). And then I’ll be sure to have a place for Thanksgiving cooking, since M wanted to do that. I am trying to imagine that holidays are a thing I could do in a non-terrible (non-family) way, and so I want to give this a shot. Cooking with you the other day was fun and went well so I’m happy to do it again. And it will give me pre-cooked food for days, which makes the rest of my life easier on following days. Also we’ll get to use your care package bits, which are things I always hope you would like and use but never got to see or hear about until I was here. I’ve felt so validated to see how you actually liked some of them.

I’m going to call Mother tomorrow and (with luck) do something that pays for that apartment, or at least enough of it to make my life easier. She has so much it’s literally a hazard to society and I could use some, as could M. I don’t want to talk to her — I have only exchanged a few sentences with her in the past several years — because I don’t like the person I am when I empathize with her enough to communicate effectively. Not to mention the inevitable abuse both during the conversation and for the rest of time. I already know that the best way to make this work is to convince her that I’m vulnerable and that only she can save me. I know how to protect myself in such a plea — to be separate from the interaction I’m having with her — but I also hate being the person that does such things. The transactional nature — the prostitution — is hard to take even when things are great, and things aren’t currently great. I still think it’s the right thing to do though; I can get money from other places but the world would be better if she had less — certainly better than if other people I knew had less — and I am uniquely qualified to make that happen. Maybe I’ll get to talk to M about it for a minute first; you’re currently in the middle of a similar situation, and maybe we can cry about it for a second to help me believe that I’m not a terrible person.

Talked with Shanda about all my daily stresses and feels, and the many ways I need your logistical support in the coming days, but I was also finally calm enough to talk about how we’ll keep the household running while I’m away. About our larger scale hopes and feels about ourselves and our relationship. About the sort of things we talk about regularly under non-crisis circumstances. It was a lot to get going again after a week away from our daily lives, but also very reassuring to be able to resume some of the things we’ve had on hold in recent days. About how I want help defining bits of my identity, and about all the ways this past week has improved our lives regardless of the challenges.

Got some unexpected support from S yesterday. They’re not in the loop on the details to nearly the degree you are here, but I think they’re seeing this as an opportunity to do more to provide support, and to feel connected to their community. They’re nervous about unknown the details, but still willing to help — even inventing ways to help without really knowing what’s going on. It’s both a relief to me to have some extra help, and I think really great for them as a way try a new, more openly caring lifestyle, and to feel like they’re having a positive impact on the world.

I know M worries that you’re demanding so much of me, but I feel like you’re helping with so many things I’ve struggled with for so long. Not just me but Shanda too. And even S. And probably in cascade many of the other people we love. It’s easy for people like us to imagine that the only thing our need can do it burden others, but we should endeavor to believe others when they disagree, even when our feelings object.

ZiB