I Want To Get Into Your Pants

The company I order my colorful and enormous leggings from has ceased retail operations. I wish had known it was coming because I would have ordered a few more. But today I found out they are continuing to operate as a private label manufacturer, and that they have no minimum order size – they will do one-offs. That means I could get custom prints, which sounds real exciting. Or would be, assuming I had design. It’s not really my strong suit but maybe I can make something geometric and colorful.

As the subject line suggests I’d love to have your help to – your own design or assistance with mine or contact with someone I could commission. The technical submission is an Illustrator file [PDF 1] ¹https://shop.bombsheller.com/pages/artemix so lots of things would work, including scans or photos of non-digital works. My current favorite pants [fig 1] were originally gouache on paper that was scanned [fig 2] ²https://www.webstagram.one/media/BPNwM2ehG7c. I’ve also talked to @BPS about it, since they do lots of their own clothes, and I think they’d appreciate custom prints and non-sweatshop labor.

Finally got to talk to Shanda Monday, after several days without. Between our schedule and my exhaustion we didn’t catch up so much as reduce the backlog, but it’s still good to be in contact again. You’ve already had eye pain and a migraine this week, none of which sounds good. We got to Screed talk but you had lots of feels about it so we haven’t connected well yet. It’s harder when I can’t see you, because I can’t guess how you’re feeling nearly as accurately, and can’t judge how engaged you are.

You did some work on the wall design which I appreciate, but it was hard to talk about because you’re triggered by projects. But it’s still happening. Maybe I can get things taped up before you’re back, so we can dive right into painting when you’re ready. And you gave me some great ideas for a new care package recipient. I bought a variety of things and am excited and nervous to put this one together. I’m also back on track for my regular set of packages, after some time away. I still want to make a thing before I send it, but it no longer feels complicated to work on.

It’s also hard to stay in touch because I haven’t been writing as much as usual lately. I started this last night but decided to prioritize sleep instead. I have mostly been getting enough sleep but not as super convenient times, and I haven’t been getting enough on days when I need to be up. It will take a few more days of early bedtimes to get me back to normal but just getting started feels good.

It helped me get started with boring day job work at a decent hour today. I skipped my morning meeting but got through all 3 new SRs from this week, all but one of the backlogged ones (and am waiting on other people for the last one), did email and other research. I didn’t get to any of my reporting project but I did clear up all the things that were higher priority. If tomorrow doesn’t bring more SRs I have a decent chance of getting to it. Mostly I want to get into it enough to know how much work it will be – it’s hard to scope my anxiety until I have scoped the project.

It’s annual review time at the office, and this never ceases to annoy me. You’re not allowed to have 100% and you can’t control which parts you get marked down in. If you guess wrong you get double penalized. The points don’t mean anything in terms of managing the business or your job but do contribute to your future pay. I think this year’s will be better with this boss than some previous years, but it’s still fraking abusive. There are lots of parts of my job that are merely negligently bad, or that encourage me to behave poorly toward myself or others in service of profit. This doesn’t even generate profit, it’s just abuse. It’s ignored by the people who collude with management and it hurts everyone else who participates, supervisor and supervised alike. We know they don’t work. Even business schools teach that they don’t work. But still it’s happening. But it’s not due until the 19th so I’m gonna ignore it until next week.

Worked in the office on Monday. It was hard to get started but I got going eventually, and did everything I needed to for the day. Went to the gym afterwards, which went well. E read me their rant against bad testing and told me I was doing good burning out. I reminded them that I can burn out anytime it’s the stopping part that is hard for me. But I did lots of exercise and then a sauna. I was able to avoid sweating man, though I did have a chatty companion for most of my session.

I’m gonna see about reinstalling the exhaust fan ³Done. Too much work but done. tonight, and maybe the door closer ⁴Also done. Now I need to install the magnetic stopper, but that’s a job for another day.. It would be nice to take advantage of the cooler weather while it’s still here, and have chill sleepy time. And to keep advancing the plot on getting the rooms switched and cleaned up. It’s not a ton of work but it’s overhead so it’s sort of a pain and will make me instantly sweaty, which is always a deterrent for me. I already got the new bedroom ⁵And discovered that the closet wall is only 1/2″ thick, so there are 6 screws coming through from the other side. We’ll have to do something about that. For now I just covered them with rubber stoppers and tape. cleaned back up, and in the process discovered that you taught your water bottle trick to B – the one where you set a lid on top of its container but don’t attach it, leaving it for whoever does cleanup to spill. It’s going to take me years to train them about the “place for everything” lifestyle.

Haven’t talked to many people the last few days. V ⁶V popped in while I was installing the fan. So we didn’t connect directly but I at least got an update. Sounds like you’ve got a busy week, and lots of professional appointments which can be tiring. But also full of things you want to get done and are on track to accomplish, which is great news. And you’re sleeping at more human times, which … Continue reading and J and DerbyK have all been silent. Hopefully off doing good things. I know DerbyK has been dealing with unwell young people. When I see you post about providing care for them while they’re sick it makes me sad and jealous. It’s hard for me to imagine illness as a thing that increases the amount of care or attention one receives. Or that being sick doesn’t mean being strictly in bed, alone, without food or entertainment, either because one is too ill to move or is willing to “fake” it because regular activities are too daunting. Or that one could have access to a physician or comfort or even someone to vent at. I know all those things are normal but I’ve taught myself not to want it. I still don’t get those things, though probably I took advantage of Shanda’s anxiety to teach her to not provide them. It’s still a lot of work to grieve for my childhood sometimes, and I’m willing to do a lot to avoid it.

Dog is going to the vet on Thursday for some shots. It will probably only take 90 minutes door to door, but it feels like a big deal somehow. It doesn’t help that Shanda often hates me while we go, or that you’ve decided to exclude me from his care rather than talk to me about whatever drives those feelings. You’re not even here and I’m still afraid you’re going to tell me I’m doing it wrong. I try so hard to accommodate your feelings about Dog things but on some topics it’s never enough. Rationally I know it’s not about me, that it’s just a thing that’s hard for you to think about, but it sure feels like it’s about me. You push me away and suffer on your own, excluding me from things you could have help with. That you sometimes need help with. It’s a thing that other people in my life do too, and it makes me heart sad. Makes it hard to believe that I’m not the problem.

Talked to M about selling art, and you agreed to let me help. Which I like a bunch. I know you’re convinced that me doing things for you is bad (fore or you or both) but I’ve found the experience pretty comprehensively rewarding. If anything I’d like to do more things where we actually work together. It might make talking to me seem less burdensome to you. In any case I’m stoked to help, and proud of you for deciding to start the project. There are lots of feels attached and it’s okay to have mixed feelings or to be afraid, but I have confidence in you. I don’t know when your appointment is this week but I hope that goes well too. And that you find someone to talk to about it after you’ve had a minute to settle.

I’ve been doing good on laundry and dishes, and I’ve had 2 meals a day (if not very good meals) all the days. I haven’t gotten to fingernails or cleaning or organizing my clothes, but those all might still happen this week. And I still need to book things for the Bard trip, which I shouldn’t out off. I’ll make that a priority tomorrow, after work and before therapy. And maybe I’ll get someone to help me with a dog walk since I’ll be busy during his most active times.

This all feels scattered but I think that’s probably accurate given my life the past few days. Maybe tomorrow I can get back into a more regular cadance.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

Leggings.pdf

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