Catchup Contributions

I took Shanda and Dog to the park in a car on Wednesday, so you could get out of the house for a while even with her bad ankle. And to let you play outside with Dog. Turns out we are not super prepared to leave the house with Dog and dog-related supplies, at least not outside the context of worn equipment. I’ll have to fix that, to make future trips easier for everyone. But I think it went well, and that it helped you feel cared for while you’re injured.

Here’s another therapy fact I learned – there are two categories of care I didn’t get when I was very young. One is the list of things that Mother simply never did for anyone, or at least not consistently enough to matter. There are lots of things on that list including food and emotional management. Those are hard on a bunch of ways, but the ones that really make me feel inhuman are from a second category – things I didn’t get but the Kids did.

Some of these things happened when I was an infant and are hard to compare directly, though they can be infered from their differential effects. But a lot of them are direct comparisons I started making when Ben was born. Parts of being “a baby” ¹@FeliciaDay sometimes talks with her brother about things that are “for babies”. She tries to sell it as a normal thing it’s clearly crazy and I can see it’s exactly what I mean here – a request for comfort or care that’s totally appropriate but was denied with ridicule as “for babies”. Things that terrified her but she was … Continue reading – which you should read as “eligible for care” – that for me ended when Alex was born but for Alex didn’t end until much later. And for Ben eventually became a punishment in itself, as he was infantilized for a long time.

For various narc reasons we all got our own individual mistreatment, but I was the only one explicitly asked to act like an old person starting at 4. Moved to the porch (before Ben was even a fetus), and then the basement (just before he was born). Not allowed to play with the Kids. Not allowed to use the stroller. Left alone, preparing my own food, expected to provide child care. None of this ever happened to Alex even after Ben, even though the presence of Alex was used to justify it for me. But it turns out Mother just always hated me more.

I’ve been sort of ranting at M for the past week, because I’ve been feeling pretty bad about us. I have decided that I need things to be different. I decided that long ago in fact, and more recently decided that I can’t wait anymore. That I have already waited far too long, telling myself there will be some future in which the crisis level is low enough to making talking easier and safer, low enough to ensure that the extra work I’m asking for won’t overwhelm an already overbusy life. But I’ve waited for a year and I still haven’t found 12 consecutive hours on which I was sure things would be calm enough to even start. And really what I’ve been waiting for is not the ideal stress level but some interest – interest that I know won’t ever come without some sort of push.

So I’m pushing. Not a lot. Not to overwhelm or intimidate or compel action. But more than I have been, and until I figure out a more sustainable way to live. Because I’ve made every accommodation that has been requested, tried every suggestion and fielded plenty of my own, and waited like most people couldn’t imagine. All to no effect. I’m pretty sure we both want the same thing, and I’m willing to do most of the work to make it go, but it cannot be had without your help and engagement. Maybe I misunderstand and I hope you can tell me if that’s true. But one way or another I need something new, because this version requires too much patience, and hurts too much, for me to do indefinitely.

I don’t want to rant at you. It feels like a big demand from me and I don’t want to burden you with it. I don’t want to take any time you can’t afford to give. I will be gentle and sensitive and slow and provide as much space as you can use. So I’ll try to structure my efforts as organically as possible. But I will keep talking about it, and keep asking you to engage. Not every hour of the day or even every day of the week. But more. Frequently, in many contexts, and until it doesn’t feel so hard ²And I hope that someday if we do it right you’ll be able to visit me – or at least other people – when you’re in town. I know there are lots of reasons that feels impossible right now, but I imagine it could be possible in the bright world of tomorrow..

I hope I can make that happen in a way that isn’t too painful. That doesn’t make you push me away. And I will do everything I can to make it easy. But I can’t promise there will be no discomfort. The very idea of it makes you uncomfortable, which is why we can’t talk about it. And there’s just no way forward but through. As much as it might suck in the moment it’s a thing we will simply have to decide to do, in spite of the pain. You don’t have to bear it alone, and you don’t have to know how to to make it work. We can figure it out together. But you do have to agree we will try it, and find space to make it happen. If you do I’ll try to make it less hard and less fearful and more safe and more supportive. I know it’s hard to trust that – to trust anything – but I like to think I’ve proven I can help with those things, at least a little. That I’ve earned tiny amount of attachment potential.

The day job continues to be a challenge. Support is now demaning that Engineering certify that no vulnerability of a certain class exist inside the scope of a known scripting language weakness. There’s no bug or attack or flaw, just dangerous language features. This is of course impossible. If I could just pull a lever or do work to make our products completely free from vulnerabilities I would but no such lever exists. It doesnt help that my boss has decided he can’t say no outright. I’m along to say no and on Monday that was my plan. But Support and his reaction to them have made it pretty complicated since then. I still think I can get get cleanly out befoee too late Friday – maybe carry 1 SR into next week. I could have used a less stressful week but I’m off the queue and hopefully pointed back toward normal by like 3 PM tomorrow.

C is coming over tomorrow for robot homework. The work still sucks but I should be in a better mood than the last couple of weeks. It will be earlier in the day and I’ll be done for the week. There’s no regular robots this week (or probably most weeks until fall) so it will be good to fill in a other social activity in a similar time slot. And maybe we’ll invite their spouse over and we can all do supper and a movie afterwards.

E wrote me this morning, and asked about emergency preparedness. I haven’t written back yet because the day has been tricky, but I’m exited to. Just last night I was poking around for French MREs, since they’ve got better food. I’ve got regular dehydrated food for longer term rations, but good MREs would be useful for lots of things. And honestly canned duck confit – with a side of pork paete – sounds pretty good as regular food. In any case I’m gathering my slides and notes and preparing to launch I to a full nerdout. Or at least to answer some basic questions and get you outfitted with whatever kits are appropriate for your life.

I shouted at DerbyK a bit. I part to vent about my day, and in part to spur conversation about your life. I know your extra busy too, but I really appreciate you taking the time to log some updates. It helps me feel connected, and I hope it helps you have the feels. I’d like to talk to you sometime about mothering now that I’m trying to construct a story about my early life, and maybe get some details I didn’t know how to ask for. Honestly I’d do this with anyone who is interested – the whole point of the Screed is to help build the stoey of my life – but I think you’re probably better at this topic than most.

I still need to write to @BPS too. Maybe tomorrow, if C is out of here before too late. Or Saturday while Shanda is out with LS. I want to help them build the story of their life, and I’ve got great new thinks that might be good.

Talked to V for a minute. Things are harder again today, and they were already pretty tough. I’m sorry it’s hard. We’ll keep poking at it when your up for it, until it’s different. I tried to make plans to run interfere and provide support for haberdashery shenanigans but our schedule didn’t line up this weekend. We should try again next week though because it sounds like fun. I tried to connect you with M while you’re in the same time zone – even if it’s just for a second – but it didn’t sound like that was going to be a priority. I’d love to be surprised though, because I think it would be good for both of you.

Went out to supper tonight. Had some good pasta and a wine flight and got to do face colors with Shanda. Afterward we went to a showing B had at a bar in Ballard. Not a lot of other work there but there was a band [fig 1] who wasn’t bad. At least not bad for the back room of a bar on a Thursday night. And on the way home we used Shanda’s side hustle cash to restock weed. Sort of a bunch, but we’ve got lots of different uses in mind so we needed lots of different formats, and it’s been a long time since the last restock. I’m looking forward to cracking a new one open next time I have a free day.

Here’s a fact I already knew about avoidance, and about processing trauma, but that became important in yesterday’s therapy. It feels relevant for many reasons today: The only way past a feeling is through. Whatever makes you not want to feel it, however valid and protective and safe that avoidant behavior might be, it will never get you past the feel. In fact it holds you back, by keeping you from feeling the feel. Not that feeling the feel is easy – you’re not avoiding it because you expect it to be pleasant – but it’s still necessary. Your afriad the feel will be terrible and you can’t even look at it. But you must. Even if it’s too much for you to face – and often that’s an accurate guess – you still need to know what it is. Whether you are going to run away or fetch help or merely let your body release the thing, you need to know what shape it is. You need to live with the feeling for just a few minutes and give your brain and body a chance to know about it. You don’t have to do it alone. You don’t have to do it quickly. You don’t have to know how to make it better. But you do have to feel it. We all do. The only way out is through, is building a story that makes your feeling okay, is knowing your own mind.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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