Climbing Over Murkwood

The house is back to normal population levels today. Which is both a direct relief for me and likely to improve Shanda’s mood. And hopefully it will make Dog stop hiding in the basement. He’s been sleeping down there in the old office and trying hard not to notice anything – he doesn’t respond to people moving around or to calls. Maybe he and I can both get some normal sleep again.
D&D today with C. Made a super bad impression on the town leadership. Then ruined their road while showing off. But they did like us murdering dragons and goblins for them. And I got a Tumor Familar in the form of a platypus, which rolls +15 to Stealth and is stored as a tumor on my body when not in use. I named him Anne. Should be good fun.
M is done with one challenge but right on to the next. And I’m pretty sure still at stress levels high enough to rust 316 stainless. Or at least that’s my read based on very limited information – it sure seems like you’re still holding your breath. Perhaps things are better than I fear. If they’re not I hope you can find ways to steal moments of peace, and to keep safe when you’re in dangerous places (or with dangerous people).
V popped up today, but is having a real rough time. I tried to help you push things one step down the path. And I’ll do it again tomorrow. And the next. I know it feels like nothing will ever help. You’re stuck someplace terrifying and you’ve lost sight of the path. But I’ve been here before, or at least someplace nearby, and I can see past the terrors. If you can keep your head above water I can keep pushing back toward someplace it’s safe to stand.
I’m back on the queue this week, making up for a week I traded off earlier this year. It’s always potential chaos on the queue but with luck it won’t be too bad. And it softens the blow of the 4 SRs I’m still holding, because already high numbers mean I can push most new things off-team. I am still hoping for a light week though. I could use some recovery in general, and I’m going to be on the queue again in short order for my regular week. Plus at some point I have to actually write that BZ report I keep talking about, or I’m never gonna make the July deadline.
I poked at J some this past week. Trying marginally new approaches. Shanda was so confident that they’d be eager after the last round of interactivity, but it’s been silence in the weeks since then. That’s closer to what I expected, both because my brain assumes everyone hates me and is trying to get away, and because I’ve already spent a whole year working my way up to a single round of interaction. But I can remain patient, and keep looking for openings.
Tomorrow feels busy. It’s better than last week – and Shanda will be around to help with food and Dog – but I’m still booked solid from like 2 to 10. And then a morning meeting on Tuesday. And plenty of tasks related to the bedroom update this week, including the delivery of several hundred pounds of pieces of a wall bed. Hopefully the trend for the week is down, with work and projects and all the social worry that’s intense right now.
Shanda had lots of feels about yesterday’s required reading and related discussion. Enough that it’s still hard for you to see past your own reaction and to what I said. Not that your reaction was bad, just that it’s intense enough to make my feelings fairly opaque to you. Is that a common reaction – that my feels become invisible when I invoke yours? I’d be interested to know in any context, but also about this one in particular. I do imagine inducing emotions in you – that’s often my goal of my writing – but I don’t mean to do it instead of communicating about my own.
I decided I want to research EMDR. Studies are still fairly low quality but it seems unlikely to be significantly harmful even if it doesn’t work. I want to do reading beyond metastudy abstracts – I might need someone to pull papers for me. And I should ask my therapist about it. I suspect it’s not something they know a ton about but it’s worth asking.
I also need to chew a little on the way I only see the negative aspect of being offered protection. I’m aware that’s not accurate but it’s also not easy for me to attach to an alternate understanding. I can see how never having help makes it easy for me to resent warnings that I might need it, but I’m not sure how to practice feeling like I can have it. I still don’t know how to make it happen despite many attempts and ongoing efforts to make it easier for the people around me to offer. But maybe I can chase the feeling about being offered protection, the loss and resentetment and fear and shame that holds, and find something that lets me hear the reassurance people imagine is happening.
ZiB — Sent from a phone.