Itineraries as Support

Got the kitchen light updated. Ballast bypassed and LEDs installed. I even labeled it to deter future misuse now that it won’t work with fluorescent bulbs. Now that I’ve got 5K color temperatures in most of the house I don’t know how people dealt with those old burny-colored things. Or why they complained about fluorescents at 4.1K, which are already so much better. I’m all for colored light but not without control. In any case, a win for a lazy day project that makes my life better and didn’t take too long.

Got Dog a new toy. Pure squeak. He likes to pluck feathers but combined fuzzy/squeak toys necessarily have an inferior noise maker. This silicone toy squeaks in both directions and should survive for a long time. When it took it out of the box and made the first noise he thought it was the best sound he had ever heard. He was so excited he couldn’t even tell which way it was coming from and just kept turning in a circle. Then he tried to balance on 2 legs to show how much he wanted to do the thing I was holding. And it’s got a great shape and soft fluid body [fig 1] so it’s easy for him to hand over when he wants you to throw it. We both think it’s the best.

Shanda has lots of plans for this week and seems to be pretty anxious about them, since you haven’t talked about them at all yet. Not even with prompting. I’m pretty sure there will be people staying in my house, but I couldn’t say who or when or for how long or if anything will be expected of me or what sort of help you might need or want. I feel like it would be be easier for both if us to not do this seperately and alone. But you have to talk about it for that not to happen. You have to engage with your own feelings and ideally also with mine.

Did at-home name day things on Tuesday. It went pretty well. I slept a little later than I hoped, mostly because I’ve had days of high stress and insufficient sleep. Did all the things I hoped for, including better lazy time than we often get. I was satisfied with the food bits [fig 2] and felt good enough to be able to consider and talk about actual preferences for future versions. Presents went half good and half bad – the part where you told a story to share feelings about the gift ¹This is always how gifts work best. Sometimes the story is obvious. Occasionally it’s baked in. But in the common case I imagine gifts as props in a story about attention and connection, at least in part. worked fine. The part where you handed me a gift I didn’t know how to use and didn’t provide a story, while asking for my reassurance, went less well. We talked about it right away though, and I think it worked out.

There was some discussion required in the morning to get out of an anxiety trap. I was anxious in general from recent life, and about a handful of specific name day things like gifts and food. I already feel bad about those things before starting so it sort of impossible for me to have good expectations, and hard even to want to participate. You were nervous about making it go right, but in your anxiety assumed that a strict itinerary is the way to ensure that happens – that doing the “right” things will produce the “right” feelings. In this process my actual feelings are not considered, and yours are not shared, so it’s difficult for either of us to get support. I am pretty sure the first step out if that process is for you to engage with both out anxieties, instead of trying to “fix” mine and ignoring your own. It will almost always be easier together than seperately. But after 40 minutes of tension I think we got to a better plan, and that the day went well.

@BPS is talking about the form of journals and their use as art: https://youtu.be/Fvc4ZwsWI84 I have the thinks but haven’t gotten to a reply yet. I’ve got things to say about the way self expression can feel like ruination. And about journals in general.

Connected in real time with DerbyK, at least for a minute. You knew things about me by paying attention to my rants, which makes me feel good. I’m glad you’re mostly having a good time, and that your current source of structural stress is pointed back toward stability. It’s slow but I think you’re getting there.

M poked me too, under slightly less good conditions. Your structural stress is still pointed toward explosion. And it’s pressing against some existing points of friction that make it difficult to get the support you need. Which seems hard and probably smells like abandonment to the 4-year-old in charge of some of your feelings. Know that aren’t alone (even though you’re currently more alone than is safe) and that things can be better in the future ²When life is a touch less hectic I know lots of things that might improve the future. So it’s okay that you don’t yet – I will share and we can practice until it seems easy.. In the mean time try not to hold your breath. I know it’s tempting to muscle through to the end but I think you’d be both better at your day job and less likely to burst your appendix if being human was at the top of your priority list for a few hours a day.

In therapy I worked on the idea of enduring bodily sensation. Which is super hard for me in most circumstances. No touching. Also no anything else. It’s a thing that’s wrapped like 14 layers deep. There are some direct CPTSD parts like learned helplessness and the danger of reaction – I fear that I will never have enough control to make the sensation stop or change, and that I won’t be able to avoid changing my behavior because of it. If I’m currently cold I will have tolerate being cold for hours. If I’m in pain or hungry or exhausted I may not be able to keep it from changing my decisions or demeanor. I need absolute control because leaking information about my state would distress other people. I need to keep my tolerance up in case things are worse next time.

There’s the bit about how I imagine medical treatment as “things you do to avoid bleeding to death before you can heal” and “things you do to manage your emotional reaction to bodily distress”. Which is another conditioned behavior about how no treatment was available so the only thing I could manage was my reaction. I could try to make it less upsetting for me, and for people around me. I’m really good at dealing with the how I react to pain or tension or other bodily distress, and good at not letting it build up. Unfortunately I’m good at it whether or not it’s a good idea.

It also ties into the piece where I’m not a real human, medical advise for humans doesn’t apply to me, and human physicans don’t know how to treat me. That’s partly a general CPTSD symptom – feeling different from other people – but it’s also related to specific trauma. Mother’s desire for social hierarchy would force her to comply with the authority of physicans while in their office. But she was far too narcy to deal with any care after the appointment. So most after care was dismissed as either generally bad advise (i.e. the physican is wrong or untrustworthy) or necessary only for people who weren’t me (i.e. only weak/young/old/welfare/dumb/lazy/bad/etc. people need ongoing care). Even picking up drugs was only sometimes possible, and anyrhing recurring or that required equipment or supplies was just not possible.

All those bits are pieces of the way I imagine my body is seperate from me. Something that betrays me by sometimes forcing me to react, by refusing to need less (and thereby proving my inhumanity). Something that I ruin with my attention and can only save by abandoning. Something that makes my ideas and actions bad and hurtful when the same ideas and actions in other bodies would be good and helpful. Something that brings great shame and discomfort to those around me.

Did a little bit of LI about it, remembering a time when I needed medical care when I was young and trying to connect with it. It’s so frequent that picking out and recalling a specific instance is not trivial. But I went with a non-emergency example – something that I was able to handle emotionally at the time and that didn’t even require professional care, but that should have gotten better care. And trying to imagine that I could have had help instead of unrelenting neglect and suffering. I complain about not having enough support now, and I don’t, but it’s so much more than I did have. 7-year-old me would be happy to get help, if I had any idea it was a thing.

Didn’t work much today. I mostly stayed in bed because I was super tired. Not avoidant or restless but weary and in need of rest. Also cold – I got dressed just to be warmer in bed, which is new for me. I tried new socks ³And hated them. But I still always hate socks. We’ll see if it gets better with more exposure. The other ones did. and with a little help I had lunch. So basically I succeeded at taking care of myself by laying around, and mostly didn’t feel terrible about it. I didn’t advance any SRs but I did push back again on a silly discussion about the static firewall.

I got a package full of medical bills for name day, and I’m pretty stoked about it. I’ve felt helpless and trapped without them and now I’ll be able to get them out of my money and waiting anxiety bins. The calling about insurance part will still suck but being done worrying about it will be very much worthwhile.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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