Detached Damage

Talked with @BPS about the nature of research. I’ve been trying to imagine my next job – or this one revised into something I like – as one that I caller researcher. It’s always a thing I imagined liking when I was in grad school, but sort of ignored because I do not want to work in academia ¹There’s also the part where I imagine I couldnt write a paper. That it’s too long and I don’t have enough to say or the patience to build it over time. That I can only write in one burst and that I could never construct something larger. A fear I confirmed when I was in grad school and research papers were real hard and often … Continue reading. It’s almost a thing I do now, other than the fact that my output is so narrowly valued – I do get to choose broad research and collect data and build tools and methods or analysis. It’s just that none of those things are allowed to be my priority, even though they are significantly more valuable than the higher priority items in my list. And that constraint applies to most of my peers as well, so we rarely get to collaborate in meaningful ways even if we carefully document our work.

Picked up 2 more SRs today. That brings me up to 4. I think 1 is a clear NV, and perhaps 2 more can be done just with bugs filed. The last will be a lot of paperwork, but I’m hoping not too complicated to research. I made good progress on one of them today. I’d like to touch all 3 easier ones tomorrow to make next week less stressful.

I also went into the new office today. It’s quieter, and I’m not in the lobby, though my cube does open onto the window of a meeting room. I expect that will annoy me when I’m around but I continue to plan to not be around much. The new building is pretty a d tall but mostly it makes me think of all they money the rich dudes who claim to own the company are wasting on the office as a personal status symbol. The money they are stealing from my peers and theor choice to buy shitty views with some of it instead of good working conditions.

I’m doing name day things Saturday. Going out with some friends to a movie with integral food. And I’m told there will be sugary snacks and presents on the 30th. I will presumably hate all of it, after being triggered by something trivial that no one else even notices. Hopefully I’ll be able to recover fairly quickly, so that they don’t build up. And hopefully I can prepare Shanda for how I will react, so you don’t feel like it’s your fault. So that my distress doesn’t trigger you. I’m not super convinced this is a good idea. It’s definitely something that could go back in the avoidance bin without giving up a lot. But I should try once. That was the plan when I changed my name, and the actual name change still feels good.

My back is getting better, but it’s still taking a lot out of me. Among other things I still can’t lay on my belly, which is a moderate impediment to many parts of my life – it makes sleep harder and less restful, and makes it harder it work or write. Mobility is better though, and I can sit in positions other than reclined against support, so I think we’re getting there. My skin wounds have also healed significantly, so I’m down to just one cut that still needs a complicated bandage.

I’ve been trying for most of a week to get Shanda to take it easy while I need help – to reduce your daily work to below-typical levels as compensation for the extra work you’re putting into care. But I often can’t figure out how to make you hear that as anything other than more pressure. Sometimes you can see it and agree in concept but still can’t do anything to improve it. You did finish earlier this afternoon though, and do less stressful things like dog walking, which is a good start.

M is feeling unsupported at a critical time. Feeling stuck not just with your own day job stress but also with extraordinary care for others that disrupts your routine and consumes your dedication. I don’t think you have to be quite as alone as you imagine, even though it’s what you’ve been taught to expect. But it’s hard regardless, and I hope you can struggle through without too much damage. I hope you take help where you can get it, even if it’s not enough.

One of the reasons I’m trying to get you guys to organize social support networks with me is exactly these sorts of scenarios – we all sometimes need more help than we can easily get from our usual sources. Our culture tells us that such care isn’t available, or is hugely demanding and can’t be expected. And some of us have more direct experience that proves the unreliability of others even when we do ask. I know that most people feel it is their duty to suffer without help, sometimes even in the closest relationships. That all humans struggle with asking for help even when it’s clear that they need it. And I know that it’s easy to see the lack of freely given offers as proof that no one cares.

But I don’t believe any of that ²My feels brain is pretty sure those bad predictions are true, just like yours is. And I often have trouble seeing that I need care, from myself or others. So I’m not great at this yet. But my smart brain is convinced that some help is available from others, and isn’t too much to ask for.. I know that when you ask people they often will help ³Within a certain scope of help. There are lots of things people won’t help with. Things society tells them to ignore, like oppression. Things that they do not understand, like when you ask them about things they do not know how they learned. Things that you’ve told them to ignore, like abusive relationships. Things that they themselves … Continue reading. I know that most people want to help their friends more but feel they don’t know how or wouldn’t be welcome. It’s the interaction you imagine when you think of someone offering comfort to grief – “let me know if you need anything”, but with no specific offer, and no plan to find one to make. That disconnect can lead to resentment, where the offer feels insincere ⁴It can be insincere, of course. But you’ve probably done it to someone and been sincere. Been unsure how to help but wishing you could. And knowing they’ll never ask even though you wish they would.. It can lead to useless or harmful “help” when things you don’t need are forced on you. It can lead to actual burden on those who actually provide support without being asked, or because they have no other choice.

I think we can do better. I think we could prepare and practice and interconnect so that when we need help it doesn’t feel so hard to get.

I think we could prepare. By imagining what sort of help we might want when things get hard. By imagining what sort we can offer without feeling burdened. By looking for ways to invite help. By sharing with people all those things we find, so that they know how we want to be connected.

I think we could practice. Emergencies are only happen when things are already hard, and it can be overwhelming to try new things. But we could run drills to build skills and confidence. We could practice small bits of care on a regular basis. Practice finding things people could help you with and practice sharing with them when you identify something. Practice offering help in a way that you actually like. Practice reassuring people that your care is freely available and does not cause you harm.

I think we could interconnect. Could make each of networks more robust and diverse. Could ask not just one person to support us but many, so that none of them have to take on too much. Could claim help from our own networks when supporting others. Could delegate, allowing our closest connections to seek help on our behalf. Could ask out connections to support others for us.

I am, you might notice, trying to do these things. Not just in theory, not just for you, but in practice and for myself. I’m asking you to participate. To better support me, to be sure, and to support each other. But also to let me build your network seperate from me. To facilitate preparation and practice and connectivity so that when I can’t help you still have it. So that when I need help you have more to offer.

Months ago I asked you to reach out to Shanda with your contact information, so that she could reach out to you when she needed help supporting me. It’s a thing she could have used this week, if anyone had participated. It’s a thing I could have reminded her of, when she was having trouble compensating for the care she was giving me. It’s a thing you could have reached out to her about, when you heard I was having a hard time ⁵I don’t mean to ignore the help that was offered or provided. Some of you identified unique ways you might be able to help and offered them promptly and specifically, which is greatly appreciated and exactly what I am hoping to promote..

It’s a thing I’d like you to consider again now, as practice and preparation and connection for next time I need help. As aid not just when I am in crisis but to help me avoid it, and to help me feel the safety of knowing that help is available. That I am not ultimately alone, solely responsible for myself and everyone I care about, abandoned like I have always been before. Let Shanda know how she might get in touch with you, and that you want her to ask – that you intend to volunteer – when caring for me becomes a burden.

Watched some Better Call Saul. The central theme of that show is patience. It rewards us for watching patiently and it shows characters succeeding when they are patient. Mike solves complicated problems by himself with research and patience and preparation. There are still bad consequences because he is doing dangerous and often bad things, but he largely succeeds. And Saul often fails because he can’t muster patience, even though he knows the answer and is willing to work hard and often wants good things.

BCS also has some great parallel storytelling where is shows several different people running scams, and how the worst of them are the ones that imagine their scams are legit. It shows us Saul doing things that often leave everyone feeling good and promoting some outcome that people like. He lies to do it but mostly doesn’t hurt people, and often arranges for a lot of good with his schemes, just the The Music Man ⁶I’ve always wanted to be The Music Man. Not to perform it, to do it IRL. To scam a whole town and have everyone love me at the end and to hurt no one except maybe some rich asshole (and myself). But it’s also the way I fear I am manipulating people, just like Saul. Of course you’re happy with how things turned out – I … Continue reading. Whereas his brother runs a scam he calls “business” where he makes people feel bad and hurts lots of people – his brother, himself, clients, third parties, the public at large. Things are terrible but he is following the rules – the ones he thinks apply to him – and feels entitled to judge anyone who doesn’t. He fails to consider outcomes, even for himself, and blames everyone around him – blames the physical environment – for his own narcissistic failures.

BCS intends for you to empathize with the some of the more caring baddies and still see that they’re bad. And I think it does a great job the other way around too, showing how people with “legitimate” power often got there specifically by doing things that other, better people wouldn’t do. It tries real hard to show you how a raging narc drug lord and a raging narc lawyer are both terrible and both hurt people including themselves just by insisting that they always be in charge. And it shows how caring about outcomes is punished whether or not you follow the rules. It’s a much more nuanced vision of the same sort of theme Breaking Bad played and I love it. Plus all the heists. I’m always a sucker for a heist.

There was therapy yesterday. We didn’t do any LI because I spent a fair amount of time talking about how things in my life went poorly after I feel down the stairs. I should be more careful to not let current events section of therapy use too much time. I don’t mind sharing but I don’t need a therapist for that, and I feel like other tasks are much more valuable. I need to make that more clear; I’ve mentioned it before but it obviously didn’t do what I hoped. We did get to discuss my insights into the human needs list and my profound detachment from my own body, and I think are well positioned to keep moving on that next week. I also need to talk with them about the way they arrange exposure homework. I’m willing to do it but I need to understand the context to avoid having it backfire.

I did learn one thing though, once I figured out that exposure was the goal, and in the context of human needs – to me essentially all medical care is a treatment for mood. I feel like pain killers and bandages and ice packs and hot beverages and to some degree even splints and casts and stitches are all just to make people feel better emotionally. They’re not for me because I’m not upset by being injured like other people are, or if I am I have already engaged in a plan to improve my mood. Sometimes I need them, if I can’t take the time to concentrate on feeling better, but they’re sort of interchangeable with attention for most purposes. I could simply be careful to never let my cut touch anything, to keep it closed with my hand or body position. I could spend time and effort becoming calm even when I’m in pain, so that the pain doesn’t matter anymore.

I’m aware this is a weird lie about me not being human and my body not being part of me, but it’s definitely true in my brain. And it explains the way I feel simultaneously detached from my body and in great control – I do have great control and careful awareness, but I use it promote detachment ⁷And I fear that without ongoing practice I will lose my ability to do this. Which is true, but probably not something I should fear. It’s one of the party tricks for parties you hate – being able to function with a broken leg is great if you’re dying alone on the woods, but pretty useless when you have access to a hospital.. I’ve made some progress in recent years with the idea that bandages can make healing easier or faster, and can reduce the amount of care I need even given the cost. But I still basically imagine that I don’t need medical care so long as I can cope with the emotional impacts of not having it. That my emotional response is the problem – is what makes me inhuman – and that I am doing fine so long as my mood doesn’t greatly impact my behavior.

I’m real pissed about this specific form of cruelty, and the fact that no one bothered to tell me about when I was 5. At that time I clearly was bad at hiding my injuries and pain. But people decided not to help a bleeding child. I know this true because it’s why I learned to judge all my ailments by their visibility to others – if people simply didn’t notice I wouldn’t have needed to hide, and wouldn’t have worried about their response.

Which is why I need your help to build a support network – because I know for a fact that without one the world will kill me.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.