There and Back Again
A logistical summary to add some clarity to my obfuscated and sometimes panicked The Screeds, for those who don’t get to hear me in other channels.
On November 11 I found out M was in the hospital in Cleveland. I left the next day to help, though I did not at the time know what that help would be. I rented a house that would be big enough for everyone I knew to be involved, spent about 22 hours anxiously pacing, and eventually got to Cleveland. You might remember the 14 ranting messages I sent to try to calm myself about abandonment. It was not a great time.
The next week M got out of the hospital and was mostly doing well in and of themselves, but had been kicked out of school and made homeless – on 48 hours notice – because of discriminatory policies by the school and the world’s general willingness to hurt young people. It also didn’t help that mother (and mother’s mother, and mother’s boyfriend) were hanging around. But again, the world is not kind to young people.
I was in Cleveland from November 12th to December 2nd. For a week with M’s family in a big house, then another week with just me and M in a short-term 2-bedroom, and finally into a permanent apartment, where M now has a long-term lease. We had mattresses and a working stove there since the 27th and we are slowly settling in to something less disruptive.
We appealed the school decision and things are on their way back to normal there, and M is still doing well. But there’s a lot of catchup to be done on many fronts, the school is not quite through with its unjust punishment, and we’ve only just got to stable housing, so it’s still a lot of work, and a lot of busy, and more than a little stressful many days.
I spent the 2nd through 10th back in Seattle, my first time home in nearly a month. I had hoped to see Shanda and Dog but as you’ve heard Dog was not available. Shanda is headed out to get him tonight though; he should be home in just a few hours. Just slightly after I left.
And today I’m back to Cleveland. Not for as long this time. I’ll be back to Seattle the 19th to 26th, while M has their own plans in other places. Beyond that I don’t have specific plans but expect to mostly in Cleveland until the end of January. Or until M has had enough of me.
It’s hard to move unexpectedly. To be away from Shanda and Dog and robots and winters that never drop below 42. And it was hard to convince myself that I wasn’t imposing something unwelcome at every step. I’m still not super sure about that, though I’m getting better. It’s easier for me to believe I am being useful, but I am still terrified that I will overstay my welcome.
It’s been super good for me though. I pushed past some of my abandonment trauma and finally understand what I can do with the several decades of training and preparation I’ve undertaken. I can fly out on a day’s notice and be gone for weeks and live in a stressful situation and not get enough sleep and not know when I’m coming home and still be okay. With myself, with my wife, with my day job. Not because I don’t need anything, like I used to feel was necessary, but because I’ve built strong enough things to support me from afar. Because all the work I did to be secure and provide security for those around me worked. Because I finally know how to use it.
M and I share a lot of family of origin history, and now a undergrad experience, at least thus far. It has been amazing to help them with the things I so desperately needed help with myself, years ago. To recognize what those things are and grieve not having them instead of just insisting that I must learn not to need. To finally feel like I can not only be useful and kind to other people but that I can do so while expecting support in return.
Living with M has taught me new things every day. Wonderful things I would not know without this opportunity. Mostly things about the way a household can offer support, not just through sacrifice, or by trading a limited hoard of support amongst ourselves, but by building it through the same activities that consume it.
I learned how to like parts of breakfast and many things about Christmas from ornaments to cookies and even bits of shopping. I remembered that I’m allergic to pine trees and was abused about it, but moved past it and now understand how I might not have to hate Christmas trees. And of course all the bits about providing care for someone that let me imagine being more useful and kind to myself.
It’s hard sometimes, when we both feel like a burden to the other. I hope that is also a thing you can teach me about. That we can help each other with. Because I have no mixed feelings about this – this is exactly what I want to be doing, and I couldn’t do it without you. You told me once that we never had homes, but I don’t feel like that anymore – now I feel like I have two.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.