Unrealized Dreams

Here’s a thing you should do with me – wear a piece of clothing that your brain says isn’t for you or isn’t for the situation. Something you own but don’t wear, or only wear on specific occasions. Something that’s too for you to be quite comfortable wearing in daily life. It will be slightly scarey. Choose to wear it anyway, not in spite of your fear but because of it. Maybe that green dress you love but never wear. Share with me the feels of trying a new costume for day. And send pictures, if you’re up for it. For reals. All of you. It’s a dress-up day and it will be cooler if you participate.

As it turns out V is already participating in this challenge today. Which wasn’t my plan when I wrote it, but now that it’s true I’m going to claim it’s fate’s demamd for your solidarity. I’m very proud of you V, for deciding to demand what you need even when you’re afraid it won’t work out. And for imagining you can keep your shit together all day today while you make it happen. I hope that after your brain is done melting tonight you’re proud of yourself too. And that you can finally get some relief after spending so long in a conflict between your brain and the world.

I sometimes tell you to take time for yourself. This is usually good advise, I think. But also a little misleading. 100% of your time is spent on yourself, it’s just a matter of what yourself decides to prioritize. It’s not a choice between spending time on external versus internal things, it’s only a choice among the internal things you are already interested in. Remember to pick some that make the rest of your priorities easier to attain – if you want to have the time and energy available to dedicate your self time to big projects you sometimes have to prioritize small ones. You sometimes have to prioritize the ones that let you use your other time more effectively, that let you move past places you’ve been stuck, that pick up some of the pieces you’ve been dropping, that reinforce your dedication to big dreams. But they’re all for you, they’re all spending your time on yourself – if you’re ever doing anything that isn’t for you it’s a problem. So try not to imagine it as a loss when you shift from one category of self-time to another, even if some of them feel more obligatory than others.

Boundaries are part of literally all our relationships, though we often don’t think much of them when they are well-respected ¹They are worth some thought in all relationships, whether or not there is obvious conflict. They’re part of healthy interactions and they don’t just happen without intent and discussion. If you’re feeling resentful or uncomfortable it’s a good sign that you have crossed a boundary and should talk about it. And just like in … Continue reading. But they’re important, particularly in relationships where we have already been hurt, and have already had our boundaries broken. Boundaries can be painful to enforce. It can feel like you’re hurting the other person, like you’re screwing up other people’s relationships, like you’re being thin-skinned, or like you’re not following your role as dutiful child/spouse/etc. But it’s much less painful for everyone to enforce boundaries than to let them be broken.

As many here with more traumatic histories can attest, boundaries are often difficult to determine and set in real time – it’s much more effective to plan for them when you have enough time and space to be deliberate and calm. They’re about things that are already distressing for you and so trying to work them out while you’re being distressed is unlikely to go well. This same fact can make it difficult to want to imagine your boundaries – thinking about hard things doesn’t feel good – but failing to do so is almost always much worse in the long term. I know that you can push through and just tolerate people pushing at your pain. Some of you have become experts at that – at just holding discomfort and resentment and pain and baking into self-doubt. But it’s almost never a good idea.

Imagining your boundaries ahead of time not only lets you figure out what they are – to plan ways to protect yourself from things you know are dangerous – but also to think about how you’re doing to react if your boundaries are pushed or broken. You can practice standing up for yourself, you can plan your escape, you can gather allies to help keep you safe. You can design boundaries that give you enough space to make enforcement easier – if having someone at your house will make enforcing your boundaries harder, arrange to meet them elsewhere. Or for them to stay only a few minutes before you all plan to leave for another location. If certain topics are likely to be problematic you can ask your allies to help keep the conversation away from them. If someone has hurt you in a particular way before set a boundary at the first step down that path, so you can keep them well away from the spot they have hit before.

Finally, remember that setting and enforcing boundaries isn’t a thing you do because you’re weak or controlling or because you need special protection. It’s a thing you do because you’re a human and sometimes other humans do things that hurt you. You’re being hurt when a boundary is violated, and telling people about and expecting better treatment it is the only reasonable outcome. There isn’t any amount of pain you are required to take from other people. It doesn’t matter if they mean it or not. It doesn’t matter if the person hurting you has an important position in the world or to other people in your life. You are individually worthy of respect and protection and it’s everyone’s duty to provide that for you. And your duty to draw the line, so that you aren’t trampled by their failings.

I know this is particularly hard when you have never been able to have boundaries. When you have no examples of how things should go. When you have high expectations for a relationship. When you fear that you’re the reason things “go poorly”. But you can do it. You can have help with it, both in preparation and when it is happening. You aren’t setting boundaries because you aren’t relationship-ing correctly, you’re setting them because they are what make relationships work. And you’re enforcing them because someone else isn’t doing their part in making that relationship safe and viable.

I talked to you all about a dream I had, of maybe being able to see you this coming winter. Of seeking you out where you are, or transporting you to someplace with me. I asked when this might happen and who else you would want there. I imagined my version might include a few days of us lounging around doing winter things with snow and cookies. None of you responded, but I’m going to keep sharing my dreams, in case anyone ever wants to share them.

A new one I’ve been cooking, in the same vein as many of my credential-related dreams like degrees or Canadian citizenship, is inspired by my pending name day. I hope someday to be legally adopted by someone who makes me feel loved. To update my birth certificate to contain “parent(s)” who actually care about me, and to have the old people I was previously assigned removed. To be sure that Mother cannot ever have rights over me again, even if the patriarchy claims greater control of my life. I’m married because the patriarchy grants me privileges with that label, and I’d like to be adopted in part for the same reason – to subvert the system for my own purposes. Like having Australia as a middle name I think it would be great to have a parent that’s younger than me, or at least not enough older. Like I’ve been trying to do with colors and holidays I want to feel like I can have the good parts we conflate with “family” and not just hate all the bad parts I was forced to take. And of course I hope it will help me feel like a real boy.

Every desk should come with one of these: https://gfycat.com/hideousmammothapisdorsatalaboriosa-dog

ZiB

—
Sent from a phone.