Deferred & Included Vulnerabilities

Watched Addams Family Values (1994). The Thanksgiving scene you remember is /very/ good. Even the “Eat Me” number before it plays well. The sequel has a more narrative plot, but its message is less clear. It requires Gomez and Morticia to cluelessly participate in the same patriarchy the movie mocks. Or at least that it mocks in the better, mostly unrelated movie that follows Wednesday. Ricci continues to be great – her movie should have displaced the romance plot. And the baby plot. Fucking “family” entertainment.

Got Dog booked for a flight today. He’s gonna live with me in Cleveland for a while, starting on the 28th. Shanda is coming too but Dog is coming first. You’re still real worried about it I know but Dog will be fine. Think of all the new things he can snuffle. It’s okay that you’re worried but you don’t need to be afraid for his wellbeing. You’ll be able to make any changes needed to ensure he is safe, even if it doesn’t go as planned.

Played Rimworld for a while, for the first time in more than a month. It was the first day in a long while when I really felt like I didn’t have to get up at any particular time and didn’t have anything I needed to accomplish. Which is great even just for a day. I was able to settle into a new, less driven mode of play. I didn’t micromanage the pawns work assignments. I didn’t actively monitor their emotions or relationships. I didn’t make any changes if they were idle. All I did was make sure they were fed and minimally housed and had a chores list. It was very zen. But I do want to build and decorate their bedrooms and invent a freezer so I will have to see if I can continue to zen through increasing productivity. Or I won’t play again for another 6+ weeks and will never open this colony again.

I missed robots on Friday. It was early and I was late and I arrived just in time to see the last folks leave. Presumably not a lot of turn out given the short meeting but I still would have preferred to see people. And to have not hurried there and paid for a car for nothing. But I had things to deal with at home (and work) and the same short schedule there, so I prioritized Shanda. It’s been tough, this bit where you learn how to engage with anger and resentment. A lot of it gets pointed at me. I’m glad you’re improving your life but it would be great if that was a thing we did from the same side instead of opposite sides. You don’t always agree but I feel like I’m on your side, even though it’s not an easy place to be when mocking and denial and gaslighting are where you’re hanging out. I spent a long time having someone deny my right to emotions or desires and I will really appreciate you working to be better about it. But for the moment it’s sometimes worse, and very lonely.

I worry that M is having a hard time too. Feeling like the common factor in your historically shitty holiday interactions is you. Or like you bring too much baggage to the table for other people to ever handle. Like you’re responsible for other people’s contentment. None of that is true but I know I can’t make it feel that way, at least not quickly. I hope you at least feel empowered to make changes to make it better, rather than being stuck for a week with something that brings you anxiety and hopelessness. You lived like that for a long time but you don’t have to anymore. You either, DerbyK.

I’ve got plans to see – at least for a transactional moment – three friends from robots on the 25th. Which is more and better December plans than I’ve had in years¹Or possibly ever. With the obvious exception of M’s activities last week. Those were really great and gave me some perspective on how it’s not exclusively terrible. On why I might actually want to participate.. It’s nothing big but I’m glad just to have soemthing instead of the oppressive nothing that’s usually happening. The bit where I feel like the world is punishing me for not doing Christmas right by having everything be closed for a couple of days while telling me about how I shouldn’t care about my abuse. This is at least people who won’t be annoyed to see me. And I’m helping them with fun things, even if we aren’t doing them interactively. So I’m gonna call it a win.

Got a package together for J. I wish I had been around more recently to better tune the details, but such is life. I’m sure it will be good enough – I figured out how to share a real good feels from a more recent encounter, and that’s like 40% right there. The cube should be worth a few points as well. I should double check my themes list to be sure I’m hitting all the topics. And there’s still coloring. But I think it will do what I hope, or at least get close.

Talked Shanda out of calling her mother for mother’s birthday. Calls don’t go well – they usually make you numb and when you recover from that sad, and neither of those are useful or necessary. I feel like you do it out of the expectation that it “ought to” work of only things were different – if only you were different – ignoring the fact that things are as they are and were never under your control. It’s hard to bridge the gap between what we hope could be and what actually is, but life is better when we’re living it instead of hating it and hoping for an imaginary one.

I skipped going into the office last week because my boss was out Thursday and Friday, so there were no points to be had. But it didn’t occur to me until just now that I’m leaving again on Wednesday, so I won’t see anyone from work before I go. I’m okay with that, but I should try to stop by my desk to make sure there’s nothing waiting for me there. Maybe I’ll stop in on the 25th while I’ve got a car. And I could leave a note for LyP to let them know I was there, even though we didn’t meet.

I had intended to reach out more to the folks I know in town, but life is hard when you’re only here for 6 days (including a major holiday). I’ll do better next year – I’m working on a pretty decent excuse to see me²Because external excuses are the way I imagine people are willing to tolerate me. A feeling more than one of us shares. But at least knowing that lets me derive freedom from it – my holiday spectacular doesn’t need the societal reinforcement of a calendar date, which should make it easier for people to attend.. And if you’re feeling lonely this year please do yell or stop by. I’d be happy to see you even though I couldn’t be bothered to plan about it.

ZiB

— 
Sent from a phone.