Fostering Footwear

Watched the rest of Russian Doll (Netflix). It’s good. I liked it before and it’s better now that I’ve seen the whole season. The end made Shanda happy cry for several minutes. It would you too. Doit. It’s only 8 short episodes.

Chatted with M about the future, and it made me quite hopeful. You’ve got plans that make me smile because I think they’ll make you happy. I felt important when you shared them with me, and really contented to know that you had the space and safety to make the choices like that. I was also proud to be on the list last night, so I knew you weren’t alone. And you advanced the plot on the concept of socks, which I’m still nervous about but feeling like I can probably make go with your help.

I got made some progress on the shoes front. When I went hiking on Wednesday I decided that I could have a “dirty” pair of shoes that was still in working order. As opposed to my plan for the past several decades of wearing shoes until they’re dangerous and then keeping them anyway as “backup” shoes for things that might damage my “real” shoes. So I demoted my current shoes and pullrd out another pair. Now I can have traction in the mud and own clean shoes, which is a nice change in my life.

Shanda continues to have some trouble feeling in control of her own life. It’s not bad like it can be but it’s still happening. I think today went well though, and so hopefully we’re one step better tomorrow. And I was able to be calmer, which should also help. We got some work done on the rodent ramp, and had engaged and relaxing TV time. Ordered a stamp to help with passive-aggressive commercial paper processing. And had a nice walk with Dog.

Got through some of the chores that felt hard. They still felt a little complicated but mostly went okay. I now have to call the phone company, which always sucks, but I’m glad to be on the next step. And I think ik ready for D&D tomorrow. The time I spend waiting for people to show up always feels like a chore but I’m fairly excited for the game, and to see people in a social context I don’t hate.

Doctor Who (2005, BBC) this season includes Kerblam!, an episode about space-Amazon and terrorism in support of “jobs”, like that’s a thing anyone wants. It’s one of the problems I have dealing with people at work. The ones with the best attitude are so willing to accept abuse from the corporation. So willing to accept what they are told is good for them. Not that my version is always better – the one where all I can see is the harms and I can’t do whatever it is they do to like it – but it does make it hard for me to feel like work is for me. “Strictly freelance” the Doctor says, and I think that might be a better plan. I didn’t hate it before, I just didn’t know how to make enough money at it. I still don’t, not as a single step, but I do know which way I could be pointed to get closer.

I thought for a minute about travel-related fleeing. You told me that I would come back because I have connections. And sometimes that feels true. But other times those connections feel like the way I’m dragging people down. Obviously the world would be better if I cut them free. I see how carefully I taught myself to be able to leave. How I arranged a mindset to keep me alive when I was alone. How travel itself is one of the triggers for that state. It doesn’t help that Shanda has her own travel trauma – makes it hard for you to support me. But I need to feel better about how I affect other people before it really matters what you do.

I signed up to foster a sculpture from @BPS ¹https://youtu.be/nnNbWcJd0ho. Which I’m pretty excited about. I have trouble letting myself posses things thing that I like. Fostering feels safer than owning, because it helps me feel less like a narcissist, and less like a capitalist. And I really like their clothes and soft sculptures, so having a safe way to interact with one feels great. I am supposed to touch it, even though my no-touching feels definitely include inanimate objects.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.