I told my therapist I was disappointed with them and they said 3 times over the course of our session that they weren’t sure they wanted to keep working with me. They didn’t stop scheduling, but they did tell me to stop emailing them 1I’m sort of unclear on the reason for this because they’ve literally never responded to any email I sent, and they wait until session to read them at all. But whatever. They’re afraid and text makes it worse somehow so I guess no written communication., and they’re taking next week off. Or maybe it was the part where I said I could tell they were afraid…

It occurs to me that emotionally-driven “simulations”, as I described in the last Screed, are very similar to the process I imagine lets me combine a sequence of emotions with a story and build a narrative memory. It’s also the process I use to build scams, but using it to check the plausibility of a story – to check the match between the real feelings and the story I’m making up about them – is sort of what I do in lieu of being able to actually remember things across identities. The thing that happens when I wake up, jaw clenched, in a bad simulation – the thing that ends…

Things I did today: Wandered around after midnight on the streets of Cleveland wearing a lighted Cookie Monster hat Made an unintentional sex pun while trying to be emphatic Yelled at my therapist for an hour Wiggled a dog 11,347 times Tried to make M believe that how they feel matters (at least to me even if not always to themselves) Bought 2 wrist braces and a razor and some cookies Tried to not be too hypocritical while asking someone to be deliberate about who they want to parent Things I did yesterday: Have a heavy conversation at 5 AM even though I needed to be up again by 10…

This week I got to talk to DerbyK, after forever away. You’ve been very busy – too busy for how well you’ve been. You should fix that if life gives you the opportunity 1you should maybe force life to find an opportunity for you. But we got to talk about disability and the morality of cleanliness and and the complexity of correctly imagining even our own futures, let alone planning for one we don’t know yet. And we strategized for about how to use the skills we do have to synthesize the parenting we did not ourselves receive. M also showed up, anxious to move forward on a project you…

Today I got my last paycheck for the year – in the last 16 days I brought in $846. Which is about $750 less than I paid for even my own housing during that same period, let alone anything else. In theory I will eventually get some more money from insurance, but we’re 7 weeks in to that process and they’re still just dicking me around. I’m not gonna starve to death before I get back to work, but it’s enough to trigger old poverty feels, which can be intense. It would be hard even if I wasn’t sensitive. This whole process is completely unnecessary – I have a medical…