Lots of prep work today. Part of it with food and things but mostly trying to make tomorrow not be a time I’d great stress and seperateness. Did okay, but never got below about 7 on the twitch and distract and panic scale. Did get lots of chores done though. And I helped you cry even though you thought you didn’t want to and then that it wouldn’t happen. But we got there, and I think it was worth the effort and discomfort. What you want isn’t to avoid pain, it’s just to have enough control that you can stop it when you need to. Had lots of robot thinks,…

I didn’t really eat Monday 1One of the reasons I like weed is that it makes me more interested in eating. It doesn’t really address the underlying issue, and it doesn’t necessarily help me eat meals, but on days with weed I rarely go to bed m without having at least a piece of bread or something.. Had a slug of milk before I left for the day job but that’s about it. Shanda made breakfast foods after robots but I can’t eat a meal like that without special accommodation, and you were too busy to help me with it. I thought about making a sandwich at like 2 AM…

On the queue this week, but mostly dealing with panic about long since complete publications. For some reason the utter lack of urgency doesn’t make people be calm, but I guess that’s how I keep. This job – my ability to pretend like a plan will save us from our own fear. Work was okay otherwise. Got to use my new tools to do a release checklist, which saved a ton of time and looks fancy. I need to get them to output something I can copy-paste though, so I don’t have to fight so much with SharePoint. Off to robots. Late because I needed to get day job done…

Did shopping today. For us and others. Got 9 gallons of propane, 3 dog toys, 4 acrylic inks, and a rounded red tumbler of dubious utility. Lots of other little bits and bobs too. It’s helping Shanda with holiday feels 1and with some art feels. Which is good because there are a lot of holiday feels already in your brain and more planned before the week is out. Made progress on several art heists, in small but real ways. Physical mockups and plans for further construction, testing of materials and preparation of tools. I made progress on the @Vi heist too, though I don’t know yet how it’s an art…

We’re defrosting the freezer for the first time since we moved here. It’s probably a metaphor. It’s a genuine sign of reduced food hoarding though. Of Shanda and I both working on it, which has never happened before. For some reason it got abandoned mid process but I’m still counting it as a full success. Missed robots Friday. It was a lot of day even without it. I wrote @Vi about dreams instead, then went to the drug store for a bunch of bits and gifts. Tried to get weed and supper with Shanda but it was sort of complicated. Shanda is so ashamed of drugs, which makes it hard…

I went to a physican today. Sort of for the first time in my life. I’ve seen physicians before to obtain specific treatments, though even that has been pretty minimal. But I went to see someone today with the intent of, I guess, figuring out how to use physicians. Someone who imagines that my trauma and related illnesses are relevant. It made me cry, but it went better than I expected. I’m still working on the feels about it. Got a call today. It made Shanda yell and run in excitement, to see it happen while I was away from my phone. To be fair she was already pretty keyed…

Got real messages from M, two days in a row. It makes a difference in how I feel. My brain tells me that means I’m too dependent, and that I must build some more space between us to be sure I don’t contaminate you. To be sure I don’t get used to it. It’s the part of my brain that believes my joy is your pain. But I’m trying to imagine it’s possible for me to be attached without being an unbearable liability to either of us. Not sure if I can believe it though. Not sure you’d want me to. Reading assignments for my therapist did help 1I sort…

Did gym today. The sauna is still busted and the staff basically says they aren’t going to fix it, at least not anytime soon. I’m gonna add sauna to my long term budget so someday I can do this in my garage instead of in some gender-segregated locker room across town. Then Shanda could come with and Dog could watch through the door. Dealing with some of Shanda’s gift feels today. They’re definitely adjacent to other recent big feels, but slightly more urgent given expectations about the calendar. You don’t want to think about gifts because you’ve got mixed feels, and one of them is pain. But we want to…

Someday I’ll have a story about sexual harassment and molestation and assault. I’m not keeping it from you, ashamed or unsure – I do not understand it well enough to tell it sensibly. Some of it is extra old 1Plus there’s a lot of Mother in the story, which will make people extra uncomfortable. But rending it consumable by others is step next, not step now. and all of it is resentfully repressed with decades of accumulation. But I watch you not be able to tell your not-sex stories, even though I can see they sometimes press on you. I sense you testing around the edges of it, noting it…

Talked to @Yana today, about Paramore and color, about confidence and the way our pasts can sap it from us, about writing and art heists and the way we imagine inspiration. I’ve been reluctant to show my attention, because people often don’t like it when I believe the things they say out loud. But @Yana met me right there when I pointed at her feel, and didn’t seem to hate me for it all. Did robots, though not until late because traffic was killer. Didn’t get a lot of work done personally, but did catch T so we could coordinate. Talked to S about the pineapple appearance at GeekGirlCon, which…