I’ve found a new way to think about the gym. Lots of people gym and hope for something about feeling better or stronger or an increase in agency or the progress of statistics of some sort. None of that is for me. I’m going to the gym to imagine that I can intentionally undertake a physical activity and not have it trigger my survival fears. And I need to do that about 600 times because I have too many examples of physical activity being a risk to my survival. Of not being able to stop because of social demands or temperature concerns or simply because I needed some physical task…

Booksmart (2019) is in many ways a typical last-night-for-shenanigans movie, set on the day before high school graduation. The protagonist is sort of Tracy Glick, class president who is very accomplished in all the resume building ways and who imagines that this makes her superior to her cohort. A feeling which is partly earnest and partly a defense against the way her singular dedication and stunted social skills make her an outcast. But she has one friend who is in it with her, who in fact can’t say no even she wanted to. She’s not a lackey, but she is codependent, and she needs to escape not just high school…

I thought more about fleeing today. How I can’t have help. This post is on-topic: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/d3ljaq/ There were lots of situations where it was important to hide the way I needed help, because when I got “help” it just lead to me being punished. Imagine you saw an 11-year-old alone in public, sitting someplace outside, huddled against a wall in the cold. Imagine they were still there when you left several hours later. What would you do? Nothing is the most common answer. Attempt to send them “home” is the next most likely. Subject them to state violence is surprisingly popular. Almost no one picks the correct answer, which is…

I saw a play last Saturday: As You Like It. Adapted as a musical (which is common with this work) and put on as community theater. The basic plot is this: infighting among siblings and friends is terrible for them and everyone else and can destroy whole towns and span generations. Eventually the dicks say they have a change of heart, everyone else takes their word for it, and like 8 people get married. As with all of these it does not address the violence inherent in the system, or the lack of agency for everyone except the rich dicks, or the often unsatisfactory outcome of marriage. But the other…

Talked about fleeing today in therapy. The way it feels so attractive to me when stress is high. The way I imagine it would help other people. The fear I have about situations where I can’t easily flee, like being on a boat. Fear about how I still don’t know how to take anyone with me when I inevitably have to do it. I know that if I ever lose control of myself I won’t survive. Someone has to be ready to make decisions and manage the situation even when things are really bad. Even when I’m barely holding on. I don’t have the privilege of being overwhelmed. I know…

Last week I finally finished Trust Fund (2016) – a movie I started months ago but could never keep focused on for more than 10 minutes before I ran away. It went better this time and I got through it in one night. I got Trust Fund because Jessica Rothe; she was really good in Happy Death Day (2017) 1Happy Death Day has a terrible plot and for some reason wants to be a horror movie. It’s got lots of WTF but it has a lot of good bits too, Rothe among them, and plays the Groundhog Day character arch competently in spite of the plot nonsense.. But here she…

I spent all day trapped on a boat with people who wanted to talk to me for no reason. It was a lot. And I have to go back tomorrow. Then I did robots. I also maybe figured out how to tell my boss the way I can be valuable to him. Meant to help Shanda with her job interview but was too stressed to do it well; I maybe inspired you to do it yourself though. Had hoped to write today but it was enough to deal with my maritime confinement. ZiB

I’ll have good things to say about Booksmart (2019) when I get to writing. And about the play. Today was too hard for writing though – a hard day for Shanda and lots of energy devoted to making it less bad. But we watched a movie together and it worked correctly. And I found this, which applied pretty precisely 1The play last night pushed some buttons too, when it screamed about practicing the reality of close relationships, and about the ways we know we will sometimes fail. . I suspect you might find it applicable too, as you try to repeatedly imagine your new self: https://youtu.be/h2e4UKTo9y4 Got all our chores…

Robots today, which went well. They want to meet 4 days a week this year; my limit is still 2. I think maybe Mondays and Fridays will work, depending on transportation options. Talked to lots of folks. Wrote a mostly true explanation of the history of steam engines in the context of bipolar alternating Watts and TIG welding. Saw an old name pop up and ask for something they wanted, which was unexpected and good. Got down to a single SR, and even that I got half done. Got the interface for my BZ project launched too. So a good day for day job tasks. Particularly since I napped until…

Still sick. Often better but also had enough head pressure this morning to make me dizzy so I spent a lot of time laying down. Got up to 11 SRs today and then back down to 5 after I committed to just filing dumb bugs to make them go away. Might knock out a couple more tomorrow but I’ll likely carry a couple of tricky ones into next week. Talked more with Shanda about your sister’s visit – it’s still hard for you to think straight about it but good job trying. We also poked at your own film feels, which are pretty raw. Then to bed, like 7 hours…