Wednesday was a slow recovery day, which went well. Shanda had several appointments but all things you were happy to do, and without any rush. I had therapy, and we were both done by like 6 PM. We did another round of paint pours [fig 1,2] and I cleaned up the house from our adventures on Tuesday. I cooked like 3 pounds of chicken legs; we had some with risotto and asparagus last night and I think more with cream sauce and pasta tonight. Got a life jacket for Dog and some tips for my soldering iron and an automatic soap dispenser for the kitchen and a big purple hat.…

Shanda and I had a drug day today. It was a lot. There’s so much sweating, when your brain thinks it’s dying. I had some pretty intense survival shame about food. We panicked about dog itineraries. We decided to move. We voted in local elections. But mostly it was real good. We had several good social interactions in spite of the brain melting. I had the best feels with M and Shanda together. When my wits and my thumbs are both less twitchy I’ll try to tell you about it. ZiB

Took Dog to the beach on Sunday, after we got him back. He was a big fan. He’s not usually up for much stick chasing but he wanted to fetch things from the water all day, and then slowly tromp back out. He would even chase rocks and whatnot, and make a legit search for them when he got to the spot. So it was good fun, and a nice way to wear out Dog on a travel day when we weren’t up for much activities. Shanda was worried about Dog in the water but he wasn’t. And you were worried about cleaning him up afterwards. Worried enough that you…

I’ve been listening to some r/EntitledParents. It’s similar in theme to r/IDontWorkHereLady in that it’s about Karens being dicks and claiming it’s allowed or even required because of their societal role. Except this one is about entitlement based on motherhood instead of money. As you can imagine this involves some trauma porn, but it’s been helping me have oppression feels. These stories are full of people who see abuse happening and choose to do nothing. It’s sad, to hear about young people I know are being hurt. It’s infuriating to see how sometimes they are held responsible for their supposed caregivers. But it’s useful to see the way that people…

Watched Shakespeare in Love today at Bard. It was what we go there for. Jennifer Lines was amazing as the Queen, despite the tiny role. The first time we see her she walks out on to stage in a skirt about 4 feet wide and stands in the middle of a giant turntable 1The practical purpose of the turntable was to cut from backstage to house sides of the curtain while we put on the play in the play, but using it for the queen was amazing. with her arms out for applause. It’s fraking WWF. The last time we see her she interrupts the play from the top of…

I packed a bag this week imaging what I would like to wear and what would be comfortable during the actual circumstances of my trip. I didn’t pack my most rugged clothes. I didn’t pack my most versatile clothes. I didn’t pack any equipment other than toiletries. I didn’t pack my laptop or my bank safe key or my passport. I didn’t lock out all my computer systems and household equipment. I didn’t hold my mail. I didn’t prepare for a life I would never be coming back. Or even one where I might have to be gone for weeks. Which is different for me. I’ve always packed by selecting…

Made it to Canadia. Left home almost entirely without survival gear. Got all my day job done for maximum disengagement for the next week. M had yet another hard day, another one that will take more than a day to recover from. Thought about oppression, the way I don’t believe I’m entitled to feel it, and the way it is punishing M for trying to escape it. Had feels about all the times I was physically abandoned, about how sad the unattended minor table in Amtrak trains is, and about how much I resented seeing other people get that (to my abused brain, “high”) level of care when I was…

So here’s a thing I need to do — call in sick to writing 1I realize that no one is like, taking attendance here. And that you mostly don’t care if I skip a day or 9. But I write these for me and I need to call in sick to myself. Which is tricky, because I know for a fact that I’m always faking it.. Instead of feeling bad about not doing it, and then feeling like it’s a burden to pick up again, I should just decide that I’m not doing it because my day is hard and I would better use what’s left of it on something…

I’ve been making progress on Medicaid. Got most providers to re-bill, which has been waiting since like December. Still probably some follow-up in a couple of weeks to make sure we got everything, but it feels like it’s finally getting done. I’ve got to call the Medicaid office in one state to get them to generate paperwork for consumption by Medicaid in another state, but that’s the only task left on my short list. I think this might actually get wrapped up before we have to renew for 2020. Here’s another LI feel, one that sort of popped out of the side — I never understood the social aspect of…

The bigger feeling I pulled from LI this week is maybe this: I sometimes don’t believe that I know what I am feeling. I don’t believe myself when I’m hurt or in pain. I don’t trust my own motivations when I interact with others. I do not believe the judgements I make about my own actions. I am convinced that somehow I hurt people by aiming my attention at them. My inhuman brain can’t see how they are hurt but I know it’s happening. I’ve been told so many times that I should not notice things, or having feels about them, at least not if I want to pass. Not…