High anxiety today. I was grinding my teeth last night and was not feeling well this morning. I got work going because that was at the top of my list but it was difficult to concentrate against the noise of my brain. I did get Dog fed and out before 11 but didn’t accomplish my noon meeting. I’ve had a lunch plan since last night but could not make it happen before I left for work at 2. Spent a long time on the bus, my first time going to the new office. In many ways it’s nice to be downtown but the extra bus time isn’t one of them…

The last one of these was not done when I clicked send. It didn’t even have a title. But I changed my mind after it sent. These are all unfinished and some days they should be only the first thing my brain is yelling about when I go to bed. I did have a hard time with name day things. Made harder because I’ve been trying to mitigate that outcome for weeks but it feels like I wasn’t able to make any difference. Like I have to keep very low expectations for it getting better. Also hard because the parts I was hoping to do and maybe like – things…

So I did name day things today. It was not great. I could not get any relevant support from Shanda, despite weeks of preparation. I don’t mean to lean so hard on you, but it is a thing I do need help with, and I don’t know how to get. When I fell through from anxious to sad you did see me, but it would have been nice to get help with anxiety and not just hopelessness. It would have been nice to not include hopeless in the day at all. I got better social support than I expected, which was nice. I only felt like I was being a…

More SRs today. I’m up to 8 active and 1 that’s resolved but still needs mitigation research. I’m gonna have to punt some of them to other teams this weekend, once I figure out someplace I can make them stick. And I’ve got one that’s a research project in itself that I do not understand why we are handling as an SR. I think it’s because there’s a publication deadline next month but if we’re serious about meeting that this is an engineering-wide project. I’m going to just ignore it until next week and see what the team says. Went to robots this afternoon but I was only half there.…

Talked with @BPS about the nature of research. I’ve been trying to imagine my next job – or this one revised into something I like – as one that I caller researcher. It’s always a thing I imagined liking when I was in grad school, but sort of ignored because I do not want to work in academia 1There’s also the part where I imagine I couldnt write a paper. That it’s too long and I don’t have enough to say or the patience to build it over time. That I can only write in one burst and that I could never construct something larger. A fear I confirmed when…

I did work today, but only from bed. New New SRs so far this week. I got stuck with one last week that still needs work but I should be able to progress it tomorrow. I’m also holding one I want to do more research on but the parent is closed so there’s no deadline there. Got my SSH bug committed to yet another branch, mostly avoided fire for a support case someone is trying to blame on the firewall, and in theory one of my teammates volunteered to move my laptop to the new office (though they did not report back one way or another). Got through RN review…

Another day sitting pretty still not doing much. And largely alone while Shanda worked and took care of the house and me and Dog. But I was able to write, and we found time to talk through it. And I got dressed and ate two meals and mostly didn’t let myself do anything that risked reinjury, so at least moderately good self care. I’m getting sick of reclining. I usually sleep face down, and a often prefer to work that way too. But my back will have none of it right now. I am getting better – I expect to work tomorrow – but I’m still in a no bending,…

Watched some @BPS. You should watch the first segment 1I think you should watch all of the ADs, but given their typical view counts of 30-50 that’s probably a bigger ask than I imagine. To me they feel not only like time well spent but like a useful tool for getting other people to think about emotions, to consider the challenges of their own disabilities, and to imagine a life that includes more … Continue reading of this one: https://youtu.be/3wspTzh7ipY to see them talk about auto-ethnography 2https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autoethnography. Which I think is part of what’s happening here. Obviously I’m not — and don’t intend to be — terribly formal about such any…

I have all the things to say. About autoethnograpy and acceptance and research and art and whatnot. But I just fell down the stairs and there are 0 comfortable writing positions for my back with any device. There aren’t even any good sleeping positions. Plus me needing help makes Shanda be all but unable to help me. I did eventually get assistance with bandages, but it required me literally yelling “I do not consent” as part of managing my own first aid. And then me being alone again once I demanded too much care. I can never ration it correctly, to ensure I have enough when I need it. I…

I had a little trouble getting going today. I wasn’t terribly tired – I was up before my 10 AM alarm – but it was difficult to make things happen. Day job or chores or anything else. I did manage lunch and clothes by like 1 PM but not without some prompting. I spent some time around noon thinking about how I felt physically but I was not able to draw any strong conclusions. I really only have one point of reference – is it bad enough to limit what I do? If it doesn’t hit that threshold I have a real hard time trying to determine how I feel.…