One reason I felt like I could never have a dog – when I was young but persistent to today – is that I couldn’t reliably keep a dog safe. My life was too terrible to be sure that a dog would even survive, let alone that it would feel well enough to be my friend. I imagined I might have one when I escaped, that if we lived in the forest he’d at least be safe from other people, have access to scavenged food, and able to leave me when he figured out how bad I was for him. These days my life is plenty safe for a dog.…

I spend a lot of time trying to find a way to say “It seems like things are anxious in your head and I want to help you find reassurance”. It seems like this should be easy but often I find it quite difficult to communicate. Like when you’re avoiding something and being asked to pay attention to it will trigger you, even if you later agree you want to pay attention. Or when I can see your fear but cannot offer direct reassurance because the fear is internal. It’s not fair that I sometimes can see your feelings before your sorted them out. And it’s super not fair that…

Lots of things today – an interview and therapy and a hike and a bus ride and a snack attack and fostering a sculpture and Grog and a phone and makeup and some @ViHart and my resignation to making my employer’s executive managers angry again (last time I did this it eventually resulted in my boss getting fired). But the writing is just not going to happen before sleep, even if that reinforces the pattern. In the mean time there are pictures of several pieces. There’s maybe some forcing on avoidance topics too, since I’m primed for that sort of thing and a few of them have really gotten away…

Got my meeting attending, job tasking, email sending, grocery getting, insurance refunding, insurance claiming, insurance inquiring, recycling transporting, drawer organizing, makeup wearing, sex doing, dog walking, care packaging, landlord wrangling, bill paying, dish washing, mail handling, and weed toking underway by 3 PM. Which feels pretty good, even if there are endless more things on the list. And it’s now my intent to lounge hard for the rest of the day. Shanda is light sensitive today, and almost done with work, so we can hide in the basement together for a while. Maybe complete our Search for Grog (Geek & Sundry). And lunch. I did lots of things but not…

Many meetings. Much boredom. There were useful things today but it’s hard to feel like it was a good use of my time. Or the like $2k it cost for me to be here (not my money but still a waste). It’s nothing I couldn’t have gotten just by reading from my couch, and if I did it at my couch I could have had a weekend and a more routine week. I’m doing okay not running away. It’s only 2:30 though, so there’s still time. I didn’t bring a jacket, which I think helps avoid the homelessness vibe – helps me prefer being inside and makes me feel less…

Travel today. Shorter than my Ohio trips and so easier to tolerate. Still a thing that makes me want to be disengaged to avoid stress. It mostly works but it’s fragile and it depends on me be willing to accomplish anything (sometimes not even media consumption). And it eats a good deal my weekend, which I’m not excited about. But I made it without major incident. My only significant delay was on the train at my destination, waiting in the tunnel due to a “police action” at one of the stations. And so now I’m here [fig 1], for a little under 24 hours. Tomorrow will be tough. 8 hours…

M had a hard time last night, with things that are not your fault and you don’t deserve but had to deal with anyway. Had to do without the support you are entitled to. It makes me sad and frustrated. It has all the parts to feel like the same old abandonment that has hurt you so badly before, and that’s not fair either. Know that you’re not isolated, even though you had to be alone while it was happening. E recognized me the other day when we were together. I told them it gave me the feels. Which I know was the point. I just wanted to clarify that…

I was staring at my food cupboard today, lamenting the fact that I’ve done too little food management this week, I realized that I am hoarding some childhood survival foods. Specifically things I knew I could leave in the cupboard forever that no one else would eat, and that had years long shelf life if possible. And so I have a love-hate-avoidance relationship with these things 1One of those things is a can of corn. I got rid of all the other canned plants but not the corn. Too valuable as food. I knew it was in some way better than fresh corn but could never figure out why. It’s…