I’m feeling anxious tonight, though I can’t name a reason why. Let’s see if something falls out of this. I’m physically doing better today. Still a little tired but able to move about for short distances without dizziness. For various reasons I missed all the dog walking today but I got out of the house and walked around Ballard in the evening enough to keep me from feeling like a lump. I got up at a normal time and felt okay, and didn’t have trouble starting my team meeting. The meeting let me yell about corporate abuses and even get a small amount of support from my team. We’ve got…

I’m feeling sick today. And struggling with adapting to it. I sort of can’t tell the difference between being sick and being depressed, and so staying in bed scares me because that makes depression worse. Also my childhood trained me adversely to noticing poor health. If I wasn’t vomiting or so pale and sweaty that it upset other people I wasn’t “sick” by Mother’s standards and I had to just continue regular life. That was usually best anyway, since not managing the household for a couple of days could be real bad. When I was sick enough to require accommodation – when other people wouldn’t let her ignore it –…

It was pointed out to me that I should have had help from a physician when they saw Mother’s neglect. When they saw her sending me in alone when I was under 10 even if they didn’t see the malnutrition or abuse. But societal care for young people is a crap shoot at best, even among physicians. We allow licensed professionals entrusted with the specific care of young people to be openly #ParentalRights — laws often require a degree of such behavior — even though it’s clearly harmful to patients. And even if a physician happened to care and wanted to act generally all a parent has to do to…

Therapy this week didn’t get to LI. I don’t feel like I get much from free-form discussion because I already spend plenty of time on introspection and critical evaluation most days, so I typically don’t get much new insight from the experience. The prompts annoy me for the same reason. I already checked to see if my fear was realistic – it is and that’s why I feel trapped by it. I don’t need anyone to ask me to set challenges for myself – I’m already doing plenty. But it was obvious that providing more context for my therapist would be useful for them, and I didn’t get any useless…

One of the reasons people find me hard to tolerate is because I can see how they’re feeling, can read some of their motivations and guess others, and generally have trouble ignoring such information. I don’t understand the line you want to draw between what you feel and how you behave, or between what you know how to share and what you are actually sharing. It’s part of what makes me “too much”, it’s part of the pressure you feel, the way you see me relentlessly pushing at pieces you aren’t offering for notice, that you imagine as unrelated to your day to day life but that I see as…

I want to keep telling you this as I have: in your mind, in your voice, telling you what to think and know. Do you find this rude? It is, I admit, selfish. When I speak as just myself it’s difficult to feel like part of you. It is lonelier. Please; let me continue just a bit longer. – N. K. Jemisin, The Obelisk Gate. She says in character, about the 2nd person narration of the book itself. I figured out today that I often feel bad when you like things that I do for you. I manipulated you to have that feeling, and even though you like the feeling…

Talked to Cowboy today. You’re having a hard time – have for a long time – but I’m glad you feel like you can write to me now. Know that it is possible for things to be different. And that, as an expert in helping people by leaving, I’m pretty sure it won’t offer the protection you hope for. That plan can “work” but it’s very expensive and it only solves a certain class of problems. Talked with E about lucid dreaming. I’m still at “have no conscious knowledge of any dreams in decades”. Which perhaps means the whole thing is moot, since even if I make it work I…

Watched the first couple of minutes of American Gods (Starz) S02E01, after @Erika Ishii reminded me it existed 1https://www.instagram.com/p/Bu1ZwrvA2P1/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1kigg02ht8ghl, just to pull it into the recently watched list so I can watch it with Shanda. That show has a lot of style, and I love the characters they describe with it. The book hinges on the idea that everyone’s rules are real to them, and gives us gods so we can see that belief is power. I think the series does really well with that. It yells the truth out loud at us so we can see everyone’s psychosis and their honest intention, and then lies to us in exactly…

I’m feeling alone today, and more anxious than usual. In some ways that’s a rebound from yesterday, when I managed to let myself feel good about my place in the world for a few minutes 1I spent 20 minutes laying out a case to Shanda wherein I represented my impact in an attempt to make my brain believe it wasn’t harmful. Then I separately sought her approval for feeling good about it, because the amount of good feels I think I’m entitled to is zero. Even for things I work hard at and that other people agree turn out … Continue reading. So of course today my brain needs to invent…

Watched the rest of Russian Doll (Netflix). It’s good. I liked it before and it’s better now that I’ve seen the whole season. The end made Shanda happy cry for several minutes. It would you too. Doit. It’s only 8 short episodes. Chatted with M about the future, and it made me quite hopeful. You’ve got plans that make me smile because I think they’ll make you happy. I felt important when you shared them with me, and really contented to know that you had the space and safety to make the choices like that. I was also proud to be on the list last night, so I knew you…